Not quite perfect

LegacyUser

I have the perfect boyfriend and everything has been going so well but I just don't know anymore. I am so confused.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for the last 8 months. I am 22 and he is 23. We have a really good relationship. We talk about everything and go out together and have a great time together. We have alot in common and I really don't think I could ask more from a guy. I do love him but not as much as I think I should.

A couple of years before I met my current boyfriend I fell in love at first sight with this other guy. A good few years of having him play on my emotions I had enough and cut all contact with him. We were never actually a couple so I've no idea why I still hang on to the idea of him. There is part of me that still loves him even after everything that we both put each other through. I want to put an end to my thoughts on him but I just don't know how to. Why am I hanging on to my feelings for him when there is nothing there for me?

I don't want to ruin the relationship I have now over a relationship that I never had with this other guy.

What should I do?

ur mentor

who do you see yourself with in 10 years time
then follow your bliss:D

Lex_Diamonds

Women, never happy are they? Do your fella a favour and break up before you do the dirt on him, after all, its only a matter of time. :rolleyes:

de5p0i1er

Originally posted by Lex_Diamonds
Women, never happy are they? Do your fella a favour and break up before you do the dirt on him, after all, its only a matter of time. :rolleyes:

I have to agree with you on this one.

Typedef

Originally posted by questions
Why am I hanging on to my feelings for him when there is nothing there for me?

Hormones.

What should I do?

Either

A: Forget about Mr bastard in favour of Mr Sensitive
B: Forget about Mr Sensitive and throw yourself at Mr bastard
C: Forget about Mr Sensitive and sit alone in your room holding a pillow, pining for Mr Bastard.
Marry Mr Sensitive, then regret never having thrown yourself at Mr Bastard... only to meet him in 15 years and find he's driving a red sports car and has 1 million quid... have an affair with him and get dumped again....

Right now, I'm thinking option C, might be the best route.

LegacyUser

@questions: Are u from Leitrim?

patch

The plot thickens........

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Mr Bastard?
@questions: Are u from Leitrim?

You Batard!

Beruthiel

quit the muppetry lads!
:rolleyes:

smiaras

This post has been deleted.

Capt'n Midnight

Do you just want what you can't have ? (eg: forbidden fruit etc.)

Remember back to when you wen't half a couple with the other lad, and think about all the things that he did/said that pissed you off. Also if you wen't a couple before what makes you think it would work now ???

Or toss a coin - don't look at it - what do find yourself hoping it will be - look at it - do you still feel the same ?

Beëlzebooze

Capt'n Midnight might have a point there, Sounds like a bit of an obsession going on there. It would probably lead to a quick grope, tears and you ending up with no BF at all. Bite the bullet, and try to forget about mr. Bastard, and be happy with what you have (unless of course you're looking for a reason to dump him!!)

misswex

I reckon its just a case of 'wanting what you can't have' and the 'what if' syndrome!!

The guy your with sounds lovely and probably the complete opposite of the other bloke which sounds like a good thing!!

If its really wrecking your head that much, then maybe you should meet up with him!! More than likely the romantic view you have of him will quickly disappear as your probably only remembering the nice things about him and not all the times he was a complete tosser!!

LegacyUser

I have no intention of cheating on my current boyfriend. I love and care for him the idea that I would is just bizarre.

I think misswex is right when she says it's a case of the 'what if' syndrome.

I think that I may just be looking for things to be wrong. Everything is so perfect right now that in my own logic I have to question whether it is real or not. I am having trouble accepting that I am finally in a really good relationship. Up until now the only thing I understood was the idea that nothing works out and that everything has a bad side. I am trying to get my head around the idea that it can be this good and I am allowed be so happy with one person. I think I am scared to love my current boyfriend completely incase it all turns sour. Has anyone else ever felt like that?

Sposs

Originally posted by questions
I think I am scared to love my current boyfriend completely incase it all turns sour. Has anyone else ever felt like that?

I think every single person who has ever been in love has felt that.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Sposs
I think every single person who has ever been in love has felt that

without a shadow of a doubt

LegacyUser

I would say to you though don't settle. I've been going out with a guy for three years now, and every so often I's stop and ask is this right? Then I'd ignore it. It then went on that I was just drifting. But I tried to convince myself that it was ok and all relationships go a bit dead after a while.

Then something happened that made me need his support and he wasn't there for me and in fact put me down for needing his support. Finding the strength to end the relationship was difficult, but I then finally knew that he wasn't right for me. Now I'm lonely as hell, and I do miss him - but I know I need someone more sensitive then he was and I don't want to waste another year settling.

Drazhar

stick with your current lad. The other guy sounds like a prick (playing on your emotions wasnt it)

I reckon if you did do the dirt with him, he would just regard it as a once off and show you the door, or he might think about stringing you along for more shaggin. Either way, it aint good, and your current lad seems to be fairly sound. so stop picking at something that isnt there, and buy him a present

LegacyUser

questions,think about what you have with your current boyfriend an think about how difficult it is to find that. some people would give everything to be in your shoes, me included. what are you looking for with the other guy anyway, happiness? do you think your going to get that with him? realistically your going to have to to get him out of your head.

Originally posted by questions
I do love him but not as much as I think I should.

how much love qualifies as 'enough' anyway? some people fall in love more/less easily than others just go with what you have.

Why am I hanging on to my feelings for him when there is nothing there for me?

maybe you met him at a happy time in your life and you feel that being with him again will bring back the same happiness??
i think your best leaving the past in the past and getting on with your life, stop letting him hold you back
how long are you going to keep thinking about this guy for anyway?

'luck.

Silent Grape

im going through the same thing at the moment. i know its tempting to relive the exciting times with the other guy but ur current (apparently blissful) relationship isnt worth a bit of fantasizing about this other bloke.

if u are doubtful about ur relationship then take a break or something to sort ur head out, but dont go near this other guy.
remind urself that u are having a wonderful time with ur boyfriend and u ARE worth it and of course ur allowed to be happy. sometimes a tiny break from a person can make u appreciate them much more, and then ud realise what ud be missing if u went for this other person.

Grimlock

How many times have I heard this......
You're just gonna go shag Mr Bastard
Break Mr. Sensitives heart
Mr. Bastard is gonna mess you about and in about 3 months time YOU are going to be that girl crying "why me?!" at the end of a party.

Well here's your answer....if you hook up with a bastard don't be surprised when he treats you like sh!t

Have some sense! You finished with Mr Bastard for a very good reason, if things were THAT exciting and good you'd still be with him!

Do women grow out of this?!
I had always thought this was a teenage thing that girls would grow out of.....I'm beginning to think I was wrong

Originally posted by Silent Grape
sometimes a tiny break from a person can make u appreciate them much more, and then ud realise what ud be missing if u went for this other person.

An excellent idea, go somewhere on your OWN, get cheap flights somewhere, wander about for a few days see new things, the time alone will give you the chance to get your head straight and find out what you really want.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

"How many times have I heard this......
You're just gonna go shag Mr Bastard
Break Mr. Sensitives heart
Mr. Bastard is gonna mess you about and in about 3 months time YOU are going to be that girl crying "why me?!" at the end of a party."

I am not as stupid as you make me out to me. I stated in my first post that I myself could not understand my feelings towards Mr. Bastard. I have no intention of getting back with him but I would like to get rid of the feelings or learn that they are normal or find out that someone else had the same problems. First love fades right? I have stated it before but I suppose it is no harm to say it again I will not cheat on my boyfriend.

This post helped alot. I spent a good bit of my time over the weekend thinking the whole thing through. I love my current boyfriend more now than I did when I posted this thread. It cleared out the cobwebs so to speak.

"who do you see yourself with in 10 years time
then follow your bliss"
This post was extremely helpful. And the answer was my current boyfriend, what more can be said. :-)

LegacyUser

Boo-Hoo. You don't love him as much as you think you might love somebody else?. I'm sorry for you, you have alot more than most people. Personally I think you should be grateful, go with the flow and enjoy it.

Not every relationship has to be a life affirming experience. Only one or two in your life will be.

On the other hand, if you're not as happy as you think you might be then you should end it sooner rather than later. 8 months is a long time, and the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be for you to get out of a relationship that isn't quite right for you.

ColinM

Originally posted by questions
I fell in love at first sight with this other guy.

We were never actually a couple so I've no idea why I still hang on to the idea of him.

Why am I hanging on to my feelings for him when there is nothing there for me?

It could be due to a psychological phenomenon known as projection. This is where we have an idea in our heads about the kind of person we would like somebody else to be and subconsciously alter their image to see what we want to see.

It's part of the human condition, where we're all desperately seeking our ideal mate - due mainly to our biological imperative - and a mind trick like this just helps the job get done. Romantic stuff, eh?

I'm basing this on the first two statements that I quoted, and am working on the assumption that although you may have known him for a period of time, never got to know who he was, because you desperately wanted him to be someone who he wasn't and refused (consciously or unconsciously) to see him for what he really was.

So now you don't know whether to stand, or draw. A classical dilemma.

A potential solution is to meet with this guy, and try to look at him objectively. Try to determine pragmatically whether he is the person you are looking for or not. My guess is that if you can remain clinical, you will find that he is not - but that's for you to decide.

A possible danger to this experiment is that you may not be able to remain objective, and may go with him regardless. You may find yourself once again becoming weak-willed in his presence and lose control of the situation. You may end up losing your current boyfriend over it too.

However, if you can remain strong and keep a sense of yourself, you may find your answers. It's possible that you may find that neither of these guys are your perfect partner. Don't dismiss a realisation like that because you might be afraid to be on your own for a while. It might give you a chance to get to know yourself again and find strengths you didn't know you had.

PS - you don't have to settle for second-best, you know!

sceptre

Originally posted by ColinM
PS - you don't have to settle for second-best, you know!

Shouldn't (I didn't). Never give up, never surrender.

... and yes, I do remember the episode of Ally McBeal (er "Single White Lawyer", Futurama fans) where that came up

LegacyUser

Well seems to me Apu...................what you should do is...........

Seriously, seems like you need closure. You need to verify there is nothing for you with this guy. Talk with him, get a rapport going. See what the story is.

Having been in a similar situation myself and being quite upset at never being able to do anything because of unfortunate circumstances, and having been upset at never having done anything about the feelings I had for this girl, I wanted to tell the girl that I really did love very much that I really did love her (I think she thought I didn't love her which was a terrible thing - because I did love her - more than she knew) but I never did, and having being kicking myself since at having missed out on the chance of a lifetime, I would say at the very least get closure with the guy. It helps. Then you can get on with things.

Real love like that only comes every so often, make sure there is nothing there for you before committing to a relationship that may last for years. Get closure. I'm 22 now and I still feel crappy over everything that happened (and finished about 2 years ago). I never had closure (**** "Friends": closure is real) and I hate it.