Relationship problem your views please

LegacyUser

I've been going out with this girl for a long time. She then decided that we should break up as she said she doesn't know what she wants. The problem i have is that i could see that she was upset and found it quite hard to end it with me (and i have strong feelings for her too). Whats getting at me is that we were not going through the best patch about 3 weeks before we broke up mainly through a lack of communication and taking each other to much for granted. She said that she wants some space which i want to give her but i'm just confused as to where i stand now and what I should do? Can anyone maybe shed some light on what i should do or whats going through her mind (the girls out there might help me out here!).

ferdi

Originally posted by Please_Help
we were not going through the best patch about 3 weeks before we broke up

this time was her building up the bottle to actually come out and finish it with you.
i'd say its just gone stale, how long were you together?

LegacyUser

We were going out for over a year.

"this time was her building up the bottle to actually come out and finish it with you."


I know that but if i had made more of an effort (reassurance to her) during the 3 weeks, i don't think we would have broken up.

Beruthiel

I am of the opinion that all relationships have a time line, a start/middle/end if you will – this could last anywhere between a few months or a life time – (bearing in mind that the life time one is rare) sounds to me like you’ve just probably reached the end of yours. Are you young by any chance? She maybe just ready to move on and it’s nothing to do with you as such, you can only be yourself in a relationship, you doing something different really doesn’t make any big difference either way

LegacyUser

umm this morning i kinda went through the exact same thing except im the girl who wanted to break it off and was all upset and found it hard and the such. you just need to give her space, let her sort her head out a bit.. thats what i need anyhoo. i know i dont know what i want, i feel very strongly for the person in question but, i need to not be with someone for a while so i can think. maybe you should be there for her, but give her the time she needs

thats what i want anyway....

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm not that young! (without giving to much away!)

I think the situation is more like what 'i see' is talking about as that is nearly exactly what she said.

'i see' why did you feel it necessary to brake up? and how can i be there for her if she needs her space?

babyhack

just be her friend be there for her when she wants to talk, when she is upset comfort her that way she knows you care for her but dont push it cause she also needs her space

if its ment to be it will happen
and if not you will prob still be friends with her
but dont cling to a hope cause then you just set yourself up to be hurt

hedgetrimmer

There is a definite lack of focus and lack of open communcation going on here, but the central thing is that she asked has asked you for space, which really means don't be there unless I ask for you.

If you care for her, let her be - she'll come to you if she needs you.

For yourself, settle in your idea that the relationship is over - this means when she comes to you for help, it will be easier for you to be a friend and you will have a barrier to getting more involved, which would only complicate the situation.

Myself and my g/f have had an on and off relationship, but we are incredibly solid for the last couple of years, and deeply in love. We gave each other space when needed, and now I have no doubt that we will be together for the future - hope that can be some form of consolation. (but obviously don't get any hopes up, especially if she needs you as a friend)

Originally posted by Please_Help
I've been going out with this girl for a long time. She then decided that we should break up as she said she doesn't know what she wants.

Nono! this is a language that us in the know call 'womanese'.

"I don't know what I want" = "I know what I want, and what I don't want is anything to do with you"

Sounds kinda harsh, but it's just so that the girl can feel better about dumping you. Believe me, if this girl wanted to be with you then she wouldn't have broken up with you.


my advise - get over it. Make yourself busy - don't just sit around feeling sad about yourself. It's gonna take time, but you're just going to have to go out and experience new things (women and the like).



Just don't hold your breath on her coming back..

Emboss

I don't mean to be unhelpful but I think the fact you have to ask us (members of boards) where you stand with your own girlfriend says alot about the relationship...

yossarin

... the fact you have to ask us (members of boards) where you stand...

who'd you talkin about ?
we're an emotionally stable, thoughful and mature group.
who better to ask now that recreational visits to the madhouse are frowned upon?

Typedef

She wants space?

So sleep with her best friend........ it's the 'only' sensible thing to do.

The_Goose

fight for her make it absolutly clear that your completely insanely madly truely deeply in love with her!!!!

dont just sit there or you ll regret it big time for a long time

koneko

Let her know how you feel about her, how strongly, and that you will be there for her.

If she still wants space/time alone then you'll have to respect that. She might work out whatever is going on in her head and come back, there isn't much you can do. You just have to let things take their course and see what happens.

Typedef

Originally posted by koneko
She might work out whatever is going on in her head and come back

Yes, but, are you actually so desperate that you are going to wait around for her to 'decide' whether or not she wants to umm, be amourous with you, while she's umm... amourous with someone else?

Nothing helps you get over the last one... like a weekend of debauched poontag.

Preferably with her best friend.

Alternatively, you could allow yourself to be used as a doormat for the whims of this chick, pine for her... hope she sees 'sense' and comes back to you.., but, I'd suspect in retrospect, you'll discover, that this chick leaves a bad smell in the bathroom, just like everybody else and you can find another chick who leaves a bad smell behind her... that you don't have to beat yourself up and be the moron who waits around for her.

So sleep with her best friend already.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by koneko
She might work out whatever is going on in her head and come back, there isn't much you can do.

True, however chances are that such a possibility is only realistically viable in an improbability drive. It’s over.

Originally posted by Typedef
So sleep with her best friend already.

That is both a childish and spiteful thing to do. Works a treat though.

Absolam

So sleep with her best friend........ it's the 'only' sensible thing to do.

No. Trust me. You spend YEARS paying for it. This is BAD advice. Seriously.

Typedef

It's that or sit at home....alone in a darkened room... late at night... in the cold....

Clutching a pillow and pouring your heart out into it.

But, whatever floats your boat.

AL][EN

Originally posted by Typedef
So sleep with her best friend........ it's the 'only' sensible thing to do.

Id tend to agree with Absolam not the best of idea's to sleep with her best friend but typedef makes a good point there's no point crying over spilt milk and pouting about it, move on with your life mate if there is no way in hell you have a change of getting back with this woman then im sorry for you truly i am but thats life and sometimes it sux's.

time heals all wounds in the end you'll find a way to move on without her. In the mean time there always poontan and of course alochol the cause of and solution to life's many little problems!!

G'luck to ya

Originally posted by Farlo
fight for her make it absolutly clear that your completely insanely madly truely deeply in love with her!!!!

dont just sit there or you ll regret it big time for a long time

This is possibly the worst advice I've ever heard. Whgat do you want him to be? Desperate? Well if that's the goal then congrats that's good advice if he wants to be a little bítch for the rest of his life.

star gazer

Well it looks like there are two choices for please_help, sleep with the best friend or go down on your knees and beg.
Perhaps there is another option
Patience, even though it hurts horribly can buy you the choice you seem to crave. There may come a time when you feel ready to confront her and ask her to put her cards on the table as you do also, or she might make contact again having reconsidered. Maybe it is too late to resolve this and letting some time pass will help you to realise that, if that is how you feel.

ColinM

Originally posted by utility_
Nono! this is a language that us in the know call 'womanese'.

"I don't know what I want" = "I know what I want, and what I don't want is anything to do with you"

Without wishing to ingratiate myself too much, I have to say ex-fricking-zactly! This is, word for word, what I was going to write.

This "I don't know what I want right now ... [pout] ... I'm just sooooo confused ... [pout] ... I just neeeed some space" bullsh1t is the cruellest trick.

On the one hand it is cowardice not to tell you straight that she doesn't want you any more, and on the other gross inconsideration at the very least for someone else's feelings. Whether through design or not, this will leave you pining away with false hope that after a little bit of "space" she will come back to you. It's a lot easier to get over someone when you hate them - but it's the most difficult thing to get over someone who is still perfect in your eyes. That's the cruellest trick - the pain can't go away while she still has the hook in your gob, so to speak.

You need to do a few of things:

1) Make the assumption that she is not coming back to you.
2) Get a little bit angry. Try saying "screw the b1tch!" a few times out loud to yourself.
3) Take the pain. Suck it up and spit it out. It's going to hurt you like hell, and it's going to hurt you physically, but's it's going to get better one day, and you'll be a better man for it.
4) This is optional, but I'd really appreciate it if you could print this thread out and show it to the next woman who expresses the opinion that all men are bastards.

sound_wave

Take the pain. Suck it up and spit it out. It's going to hurt you like hell, and it's going to hurt you physically, but's it's going to get better one day, and you'll be a better man for it.

i myslef have been in this situation recently and the above is spot on man. you gotta keep the chin up and try and forget this girl no matter how hard it is.

only two things to do:

1)Get unmercifully drunk
2)try and let go

She might work out whatever is going on in her head and come back

dont let the "what if's" ruin your life...your in control of your own life dont wait for others.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies!

I have spoken to her since and established the following is not the case...

"I don't know what I want" = "I know what I want, and what I don't want is anything to do with you"

Sounds kinda harsh, but it's just so that the girl can feel better about dumping you. Believe me, if this girl wanted to be with you then she wouldn't have broken up with you.

Although she is still as confussed as ever! I think the problem is more that she is stressed out and needs time to figure out what she wants to do with her life and having a relationship was just adding to her stress. I'm not pining away over her but have now realised that the space she requires is going to be a long time.

Originally posted by Please_Help
Thanks again for the replies!

I have spoken to her since and established the following is not the case...

Hmmm are you sure she's not just telling different lies???

Although she is still as confussed as ever! I think the problem is more that she is stressed out and needs time to figure out what she wants to do with her life and having a relationship was just adding to her stress. I'm not pining away over her but have now realised that the space she requires is going to be a long time.

LOL bro...Like I said earlier, if she wanted to be with you then she wouldn't have dumped you. How can she be "confused"? Is she a retard?

Just don't get your hopes up too high that she wont end up with another bloke while in her "space" for a "long time"...

phaxx

Originally posted by utility_
Hmmm are you sure she's not just telling different lies???

Might not be as simple as you think it is, people's opinions and thoughts change all the time about this.

Originally posted by utility_
LOL bro...Like I said earlier, if she wanted to be with you then she wouldn't have dumped you. How can she be "confused"? Is she a retard?

People get confused about this. I've gone through something similar recently, and I can tell you I'm still pretty damn messed up and confused two weeks later.

It's not as simple as it looks, and I can certainly see how she can be confused about it. I'm still changing my mind every day about how I feel - I can't imagine how I'd feel if I were the one to break it, but I think I'd probably be worse!

][cEMAN**

Can the admin of this forum please split this if they so feel that this is worthy of its own seperate thread rather than an add on to this one...



I have this person I know who has a lot of personal problems. They seem to hit out at everyone around them and never actually feel at home with people. I think this person has a lot of anger and bitterness in them and it might stem from a traumatic childhood, but I don't know if this is the case. Infact I don't know if they even feel they can move on from their childhood.

I feel deeply saddened that this person seems to be going through so much pain and desperation in their life and that they can only deal with it by acting like a child to others. They give numberous comments about relationship advice though I doubt they've actually ever been in one. I would seriously have to question the moral values of anyone willing to be with this person...

I guess what i'm trying to say is..... utility_ ...we're here for you if you need us!!

The Corinthian

Originally posted by phaxx
It's not as simple as it looks, and I can certainly see how she can be confused about it. I'm still changing my mind every day about how I feel - I can't imagine how I'd feel if I were the one to break it, but I think I'd probably be worse!

That’s not confusion, that’s guilt.

I would tend to agree with utility_ on this one. Breaking up is hard to do, as the saying goes, and it sound distinctly like procrastination rather than confusion. Perhaps she’s feeling guilty about the thought of hurting Please_Help’s feelings, or perhaps she’s hedging her bets until something better comes along or perhaps it’s just a simple case of cowardice.

Of course, perhaps she is just stressed out and perhaps she’ll be able to work it all out once she has a little space, but what are the chances of that, realistically?

If I were a betting man (get me to a baccarat table and you’d find out quickly enough) I’d guess the most likely scenario here is that this couple are in their early to mid twenties and have been together at least since their late teens, if not before. She’s just realized that she’s not played the field and that she’s ‘settled’ early and as a result, while genuinely attached to Please_Help, she knows that she should roll the dice and see if there are any other guys out there (or even just experiences).

At least that’s what it sounds to me, I could well be wrong – however; that she’s presently afraid of ‘settling’ is pretty obvious. Let her go.

MojoMaker

Corinthian, you're in fine tune.

Please_Help, objectively this is the best analysis of the situation based on the information you have provided. If you have further qualifying information that would render this obsolete or at least incorrect, please post more. On the evidence so far, Corinthian is indeed in tune. If it's any consolation (I don't expect it will be however) this situation is a lot more common than you think, and may yet be facing a great deal of the posters here.

Stay strong and true to yourself and your own feelings. Never compromise your beliefs or principles. You will win in the end.

Originally posted by phaxx
I can't imagine how I'd feel if I were the one to break it, but I think I'd probably be worse!

Be sensible about this. If you were going to feel really bad about breaking up with somebody, then why the hell would you do this?

People say these things like "I'm confused" and "It's all to do with me, there's nothing you can do" so that they wont feel as guilty about hurting the other persons feelings.

phaxx

Originally posted by utility_
Be sensible about this. If you were going to feel really bad about breaking up with somebody, then why the hell would you do this?

People say these things like "I'm confused" and "It's all to do with me, there's nothing you can do" so that they wont feel as guilty about hurting the other persons feelings.

See what Beruthiel just said here. Same situation, pretty much.

McGinty

I have to confess that I don't understand why people use the phrase 'I need space to sort my head out' and I am a woman. If the relationship is causing her stress it means she is unhappy in it, but in all honesty IMO she hasn't the courage to end it properly. If she was happy with the relationship, she wouldn't need space. I have had a past boyfriend who needed space, maybe I am impatient or I love myself too much, but I couldn't do it, so we ended it. Its too painful hanging around hoping they might want you.

Personally she either wants to be with you, or doesn't, I have a very black and white attitude, but there you go. If you get a decision now, at least you can then begin the process of getting over her, it will take time, but life goes on, it really does get better and each day it will get easier.

Gordon

Iceman /slap.

bean

I have been though something similar and this is how i got through this twice!

I told her how i felt about her and then i told her i will give her as much time as she needs to decide, tell her its her decision and remind her that you do make each other happy.

Do not lean on her after but instead keep meeting up with her a few times a week (coffee, cinema, pub etc) and this is vital: Look Happy enough and Confident

whosurpaddy

Originally posted by Typedef
She wants space? So sleep with her best friend........ it's the 'only' sensible thing to do.

Originally posted by Typedef
Nothing helps you get over the last one... like a weekend of debauched poontag.Preferably with her best friend.

Originally posted by Typedef
So sleep with her best friend already.

so............ what are you trying to say?

LegacyUser

Originally posted by utility_

Be sensible about this. If you were going to feel really bad about breaking up with somebody, then why the hell would you do this?

People say these things like "I'm confused" and "It's all to do with me, there's nothing you can do" so that they wont feel as guilty about hurting the other persons feelings.

As a guy I would totally aggree with your logic (If i was replying to this thread i would give the same advice as you!) but my situation is different! I happened to be out last night in the same club as my exgirlfriend (first time i've seen her since the breakup). I just talked casually to her and I can still see that she fancies me also her best friend was there and seemed pretty keen for me to make a good effort to talk to my ex (but i didn't want to have a serious chat as in the club was not the time for that!). Her best friend also expressed shock at our break up, and said that my ex still thinks about me but is confused! (she wouldn't tell me anymore than that as she said she couldn't!) From what I seem to be sensing from my ex is that she is annoyed about something but won't say what! (she is not pregnant just incase people are thinking that!) Maybe some of the girls reading this might have an idea what this might be?

Originally posted by bean

I have been though something similar and this is how i got through this twice!

I told her how i felt about her and then i told her i will give her as much time as she needs to decide, tell her its her decision and remind her that you do make each other happy.

Do not lean on her after but instead keep meeting up with her a few times a week (coffee, cinema, pub etc) and this is vital: Look Happy enough and Confident

We don't meet up at all as I want to give her space (we have talked on the phone once and txted a few times), but she said that some times the txting would stress her out! although she said she would contact me about meeting up some time. bean how long did the relationship last after you got back together?


I'm worried that i sound like some desperate guy who just can'y get the hint! but i am getting on with my own life meeting new girls etc. its just that we had such a good thing and it feels like i just can't sit back and let it happen an end up regretting it later. Thanks again for the replies!

ColinM

God, how confusing it all must be for the poor dear. I wonder though, does the nightclub give her the space that she needs so badly?

Well, I suppose it's heartening to hear that she's managing to go out clubbing. It must be helping her no end to sort out her confusion.

Don't bother with her great mate if she's only going to let on that she has some information that may be useful to you but won't actually tell you. If there's something that your ex expects you to know, but knows you don't then she ought to tell you or else quit her posturing.

koneko

Texting is stressful? Wow. You totally are best moving on and meeting other people. Enjoy it. Have fun. You're only young once etc.

][cEMAN**

Originally posted by Gordon
Iceman /slap.

OK c'mon man you were thinking it :P

Trojan

Originally posted by Please_Help
We don't meet up at all as I want to give her space (we have talked on the phone once and txted a few times), but she said that some times the txting would stress her out! although she said she would contact me about meeting up some time. bean how long did the relationship last after you got back together?

Fsck the space, you only need so much space.

Best thing to do is sit down with her, have a bottle of wine and just talk about sh!t. Sort it out. Force yourselves to communicate about it. She's either just getting over the breakup, hence the problems with seeing you again, or she thinks she made a bad decision. If it's over, it's over, but talk about it. After that you can give each other all the space you need.

Al.