Funny....funny funny, very funny

Peace

I would have posted this in the humor board but they just wouldn't know what i was on about. If any of the mods think it should be moved, There will be less of that thank you. E.P.

Found these on a different website which had ripped them from a different website which had ripped them from a different website.

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs'

a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat

a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy???? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

How Good Is Your Instructor?
You know more than your instructor when: -

a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".


Do You Know Your Buddy?
Does your buddy hate you if: -

a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel? ***Really funny***
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger? ***I've actually done this to mick on a couple of occasions!***
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?


Is your buddy experienced if: -

a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface"?

NordicDiver

Mick L

Originally posted by Peace
a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?

Can't believe we haven't tried this one yet.
Some very good ones in there

vibe666

on my first dive, my instructor was telling me about 'the good ol' days' when he used to be a commercial diver on oil rigs, and got caught short one day on a deep deco dive and literally had to go where he was because he couldn't wait the time it would take to get back to the surface.

i know we've probably all done no.1's at some point on a dive (hopefully in rented suits from the dive centre rather than our own) but he really needed to take a dump, and not wanting to soil his suit, decided as it was relatively warm and he was only wearing a wetsuit, he would just take off as much as he needed to and do it there and then.

his buddy was apparently very understanding, but spent the entire time in fits of laughter, and they had to surface right after anyway.

this was the same guy who blew chunks on a ray feeding dive and ended up recreating a scene from pirhana when all the small fish in the vecinity decended on him to swipe up all the 'goodies' he'd left them.

I've only got his word for the first story, but knowing how completely nuts he is I'm inclined to believe it's true.

AL][EN

Originally posted by Peace


When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs' ?
You find him buddy breathing with a shark.

LMFAO!

some of these are pure class