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13-11-2003 2:15am#1Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,013 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 90251
What did the balloon headmaster at the balloon school say to the balloon student when he came in with a pin?
You've not only let me down and the school down, but yourself as well...
Q: What smells bad and steams out of cows backwards?
A: The Isle-of-wight Ferry
Two Television ariels got married, The Wedding was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
This guy's using a vacuum cleaner with an electrical fault...
He was dyson with death.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
X
Two nuns walk into an off-licence and ask the shop assistant for a bottle of Vodka. The assistant asks if he should really be selling alcohol to nuns,but they insist that it is purely for medicinal purposes, to cure Mother Superior`s constipation. The assistant duly sells them the Vodka.
An hour later, the nuns return, pissed out their skulls, asking for more Vodka. Horrified, the assistant says,
"I thought that the Vodka was for Mother Superior`s constipation?"
"Damn right," say the nuns. "When she sees us, she`ll sh*t herself."
A man walks into a doctors and say's 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's properly.
The doctor replies 'Well you can't say, fairer than that, then!'
What goes 'ooooooooooooo'?
A cow with no lips.
An ice-cream man was found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup. The police reckoned he'd topped himself.
Step ladders from a local DIY store have been stolen. Police say further steps will be taken.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
ONE: "My wifes gone to the West Indies"
PERSON TWO: "I'm sorry, this is a Doctor Doctor joke."
What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head, playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
The Irishman says "I've really got to stop hanging around with you guys."
A police van collided with a cement mixer - 12 hardened criminals escaped
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the almost unnoticed death last week of a very important person. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ............
and then the trouble started.
Once upon a time there lived a familly of potatoes.There was a Mummy potato and 3 girl potatoes.
One day, their money was running low so mummy potato sent off her 3 daughters to find themselves fortunes and husbands.
Sometime later, the first potato arrives home
"Mum! Mum! Im getting married to a jersey royal"
A royal? Hemust be loaded, thought mummy potato.
Then the 2nd potato arrives
"Mum! Mum! Im getting married to a king Edward!"
A king, hes mor well off than a royal! thought mummy potato.
Finally the 3rd potato arives home
"Mum Mum Im getting married to Des Lynum!"
"Des Lynum?!?! Why on earth are you marrying Des lynum?" replied mummy potato.
Hes a Common' tata!
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,
"Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 14 million Iraqis
President Bush was visiting the Queen and asked her how she managed to have a relatively intelligent government when he was plagued with a bunch of idiots. The Queen told him that she simply ensured that all her ministers could answer a simple riddle. She had phoned Tony Blair and asked him, "Your mother and father have a baby. It's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" "That's easy," replied Blair, "it's me!"
George W was impressed, and rushed back to Washington to try it out. He asked Dick Cheney, "Your mother and father have a baby who is neither your brother of your sister. Who is it?"
"I don't know," replied Cheney, "but I'll find out!"
So Cheney went to see Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice and Paul Wolfowitz and asked them the same question. None of them knew the answer.
Eventually he tracked down Colin Powell and asked him, "If your mother and father have a baby who is not your brother and not your sister then who is it?" "That's easy," replied Powell, "it's me!" "Right, great," said Cheney and rushed away to find George.
"I've found the answer to your question," he told Bush, "it's Colin Powell!"
"Doh...." replied Bush, "don't be such an idiot Dick, it's not Colin Powell... it's Tony Blair!!!"
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys
No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's bum. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"
Q)Can a Ninja tapdance?
A) Shuriken
You know it was only once their numbers had diminished from 50 down to 8, that the dwarves began to suspect Hungry....
Dalai Lama: Can I have a hotdog please?
Vendor: Sure, how d'ya want it?
Dalai Lama: Just make me one with everything.
One dark and rainy night in Essex, there is a particularly bad car crash. One of the passengers is a girl who looks in a bit of a bad way, and there's blood all over the slippy tarmacadam.
The paramedics soon arrive and, with the help of the fire brigade, cut the girl out of the car. They then carry her to safety, laying her flat on the roadside so that they can check the extent of her injuries. The lead paramedic tells her "I'm just going to see if you're ok, check for concussion, yea?"
"OK", she replies, trying to hold back the tears of panic.
"Right", says the paramedic, "how many fingers have I got up?"
And the poor girl screams: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
Did you hear about the electrical engineer who lived at 90° to everybody else?
It was just a phase he was going through!
I met a dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes a couple of days ago so last night I phoned her to ask her out but she couldnt, she'd popped her clogs.
I used to be a psychoanalyst. I was Jung, I needed the money.
Bloke walks into a bar, 'I'll have some helicopter flavour crisps please'. Barman replies 'Sorry mate, I've only got plain.'
Two blokes walk down the high street. They stop outside a clothes shop window. One of them points out a shirt in the window to his mate and says, 'That's the one I'd get'.
Suddenly, a cyclops comes round the corner & kicks his head in.
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View0
Comments
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President Bush was visiting the Queen and asked her how she managed to have a relatively intelligent government when he was plagued with a bunch of idiots. The Queen told him that she simply ensured that all her ministers could answer a simple riddle. She had phoned Tony Blair and asked him, "Your mother and father have a baby. It's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" "That's easy," replied Blair, "it's me!"
George W was impressed, and rushed back to Washington to try it out. He asked Dick Cheney, "Your mother and father have a baby who is neither your brother of your sister. Who is it?"
"I don't know," replied Cheney, "but I'll find out!"
So Cheney went to see Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice and Paul Wolfowitz and asked them the same question. None of them knew the answer.
Eventually he tracked down Colin Powell and asked him, "If your mother and father have a baby who is not your brother and not your sister then who is it?" "That's easy," replied Powell, "it's me!" "Right, great," said Cheney and rushed away to find George.
"I've found the answer to your question," he told Bush, "it's Colin Powell!"
"Doh...." replied Bush, "don't be such an idiot Dick, it's not Colin Powell... it's Tony Blair!!!"
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