What to do...

LegacyUser · 14-11-2003 1:42am #1

I'm a boards member but prefer this anon.

I’m just in the process of writing my thesis at the moment so in a frame of mind to write! Having said that a question come to my mind – “Well where to start, head”? Patience here, my mind is frantic in thought so if the writing seem erratic in direction, you have my apologies. I have been supporting my girlfriend for just under 3 years in her battle against depression, caused by a litany of horrible, to a regular guy/gal, unimaginable psychological gashes and wounds to a person’s soul. First there was abuse, then beating, self-harm and finally a suicide attempt. Yes, a counselor is involved and AD’s before you ask.

In cases such as this, one always has family to be there to support in times of need and of pain. Alas she has a “family” but not the support of it. The family, mum and dad, are fully aware of the situation but are living in the world of “doesn’t happen to us” and “it didn’t happen to us”. Heaven forbid that! Needless to say both parents have serious issues themselves so they don’t need more. The house seems to be full of lethargy, using any medical reason to excuse oneself from reality and locking away in the safe haven of bed. It is almost like a scene from the island of the lotus eaters. No one cares if she stays in bed all week. Her education has suffered immensely because of all that has happened her, she hardly has an education. On hearing that his daughter was sexually abused – what happened? Of course, you could imagine the scene; blue murder, a holy jihad declared on the man that ripped the heart from my girlfriend, sheer hell…. You would imagine that wouldn’t you? Well you thought wrong, with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders he calmly mutters what could he of done, his daughter always had a mind of her own and only listened to her own reasoning; he had no control over her - then a 13 year old. It galls me.

Maybe, you say there’s her mother, she surely would do something? No, again though in somewhat a different reaction is nothing but whimpers and tears – she can’t handle it, she has problems of her own. Yet she remains fiercely faithful to her parents. And here am I stuck in the middle of it all, don’t know what to do, lash out at the parents, the abuser... the world? It is almost like I am now replacing the parents. I find myself trying to direct her, telling her to get out of bed, asking her to get a shower… but naturally the direction is not well received, being accused of controlling her life where all I want is for her to kick start herself.

Well I finally got through my girlfriend’s avoidance of confronting the abuse and convinced her to come to a police station with me to lodge a complaint. Hard as it was, she made the complaint and it has been investigated. Currently, they want to re-interview her as they feel that they can, based on testimonial from my girlfriend, bring the man in and interview him. This now presents a dilemma to my girlfriend – whether to proceed or not. You see, to make things just that little more difficult, we live apart at the moment, she in Northern Ireland, me down south. She is protestant, I am catholic (not that it matters). The guy that abused her is suspected of having republican paramilitary ties and it is this very matter that has my girlfriend petrified out of mind to continue on with charges. Though her family, can’t do much for her, she still feels obliged to protect them, perhaps rightly so but also she is worried for her personal safety. She hasn’t slept proper for weeks now and as a result is sliding down a slippy slope of depression and introversion.

I, on the other hand, am lately growing irrationally more impatient with progress in general. Irrational because I understand the process of recovery to be lengthy. It seems that the whole environment that she is in is totally destructive for her. I am wondering if there will ever be an end to her suffering. I am finding my self more and more tired by the whole nightmare, but yet I do hold hope and optimism. As I’m writing this I’m disappointed with what I have written so far – it does just not convey the hell that her life has been and how she currently feels (don’t blame me I’m a techie). I feel that more and more I have less and less to give and I wonder what the relationship has to offer. There is a decision I need to make, namely, how much more can I go? What is my maximum? Yet I can’t and don’t want to hurt someone more than they have already. What is expected of me in my situation? I know some will say u got to stick with all the way. Yet reasoning on that, concludes me to say that I must be her crutch, her councilor, her guide and her boyfriend. Yes I agree that I have to be these in times of trial and I accept them gladly without no question; I have been for 3 years already. But at what stage, or is there a stage when I have to tell myself to stop. I have been told that I will destroy myself and anything I ever wanted for myself if I continue indefinitely.

My mind is confused, so much things floating in there, difficult to get them out on paper, so much easier to talk about it all, so much to consider in the situation and now to finish a masters thesis and find a job and a place to live on top of supporting my girlfriend.

I don’t know if this will portray my situation accurately and I’m tried of writing after talk for so long with very close friends today about what’s going on. I do talk very candidly with my girlfriend and was it not for this I know she would be dead. I’m just awash with confusion and dilemma.

Please, I don't mind if there are no replies, but do not post any smart ones.

Thanks for reading.

De Rebel · 14-11-2003 2:03am

WOW

People like you impress me so much. In this shallow self-centred materialistic world we inhabit, it always comes as a wake up call to see someone who is selfless in their devotion to helping another.

There is one thing you say which strikes a chord and would have me pondering

Originally posted by Low
I must be her crutch, her councilor, her guide and her boyfriend. Yes I agree that I have to be these in times of trial and I accept them gladly without no question; I have been for 3 years already.

It is impossible to be all of those on an ongoing basis. You can be her boyfriend/partner, and sometimes be her crutch/counsellor, but not all of those all of the time. That places an inhuman strain and makes a relationship untenable. This is not to say that you should give up. Simply that you can't go on indefinitely being all things to her. So perhaps you can be her friend/crutch/counsellor, but not boyfriend, or her boyfriend with someone else stepping into the supportive role, ideally a professional. That’s not a packaged solution, just something to ponder and hopefully reassure you.

I have no real advice to give you, other than to tell you to pat yourself on the back as a solid, decent human being.

Paddy20 · 14-11-2003 2:52am

We all have a certain amount to give, some more than others. The demands made by life upon us can be overwhelming.

However, I can only state that in my life there have been times when I truly felt I had given everything that I had to give mentally and physically in support of others, and felt totally, burnt out.

However, I learnt to step back from the most pressing problem for a day or two, in order to regain some strength. I am not a particularly religious person but at one stage I realised that human beings simply can not cope with certain situations on their own, and I turned back to my faith. I needed to be strong and I needed to find the strength somewhere. I did not go to a church or become suddenly very religious, but I sort of surrendered to a power higher than me or anyone I knew, and somehow that surrendering spiritually and admitting in my sub- conscious that I needed help, if I was going to be able to help the person who needed me most, actually worked for me.

I felt as though I had shared the burden, and that I would receive the strength to continue in what appeared to be an insoluble situation, and yes it was life and death. Somehow, and I am still baffled as to how it happened, but almost immediately the situation began to improve. I was surprised that I was no longer afraid of anything.

My life changed from then, and my outlook and expectations of others changed. I no longer believed the human race was strong. I could see the flaws, and learnt to forgive them in me, and more importantly in others.

I will stop there for now, and just hope that you maybe have understood some of what I am trying to get over to you. You are stronger than you believe, and your ability to help others is immense, but retain enough strength to sustain yourself, that is vital.

All the best.

P.

Imposter · 14-11-2003 9:09am

Maybe the best thing you could do is discuss your take on things and the fear you have at the moment with the councillor also.

They will be able to advise after hearing your side of things.

I think you need a rest from all the emotional strain this whole thing is putting on you but then I'm not a councillor.

Beruthiel · 14-11-2003 9:43am

What is expected of me in my situation?

nothing more than you can give imo, and from reading the above you have given more than most would. There’s no advice I can give you, you’ve done great. But sometimes those who help others may sometimes need help themselves because of it – it’s an awful lot to handle for just one person, why not see someone to talk it out with, get it off your chest, as paddy said, you need strength too if you intend to keep going.
Good luck
anna

star gazer · 14-11-2003 1:24pm

Sacrifice, compromise and loyalty. You've shown these things in abundance. The danger though is in sacrificing too much and ending up unwell yourself and in that case you become no good to her either. All you can do is one hundred percent, no more. Even if morally you feel oblidged to do 110% it's just not possible, so it is important to know your limitations and respect them in your mind to survive the trauma. It sounds like you do a great deal to make her life bearable and that is wonderful. Be a support to her, but in the end she will have to make the decision about whether to continue with the legal action or/and whether to confront her parents about respecting her.
Be there for her, but remember you're only human, listen to your own needs too.

dudara · 14-11-2003 3:22pm

I'm was thinking what to say and then I read stargazer's post. He says what I was thinking.

Your girlfriend is incredibly fortunate to have you by her side, helping and loving her. No matter how strong a person is, we always need someone by our sides, it just so happens that your girlfriend needs that support more than others. But eventually, just like she learned to crawl and walk by herself, she will have to take some definite action of her own. Just be there, do your best to steer her and protect her, but you can't manage two peoples lives all the time, you also have to protect your own sanity.

I want to wish you and her the best of luck.

LegacyUser · 18-11-2003 3:01pm

and you should also take a long hard look at your own motives for continuing this situation. You may, without meaning to, have adopted the personality traits of a rescuer. Nobody should be everything to another human being. You say it is difficult to motivate this woman to change. But change comes from the inside out. She must desire it herself without being pushed. You may end up pouring all of your energy into her and getting nothing in return, at least not immediately. It is pointless to resent someone for that.

You need to ask yourself honestly why you are in this situation and why you feel unnecessary guilt when it comes to natural self-preservation. Nobody will reward you for being a saint. You have to be good to yourself. You are the person most responsible for your own safety.

Good luck and I hope you find your way.

BuffyBot · 18-11-2003 3:05pm

What is expected of me in my situation?

Cannot really add more than what the others have said, except that you also need time for you. You won't be able to continue supporting her like you have if you don't take some time out - if your burn out from mental exhaustion, you won't be any good to her

scojones · 18-11-2003 3:42pm

You need to make sure that you rest properly in this situation, after all this is an immense strain on you AND you are doing your thesis! You may need a days' break from everything if that is possible, time out from this situation and time out from the thesis. When you get back the situation will be the same - but you will be stronger than you were the day you took the break.

LegacyUser · 23-11-2003 10:24am

Oh I can see the flames rising here already... What I am about ot say isn't PC, or this touchy-feely bull that the world has unfortunatly turned into but here goes.

I really don't get people on Anti-d's. I mean People can't functin without them as they are forced to become addicted to them by the current thinking that the brain can't regolate it's own neuro-chemical levels. It can. it has for years.

I don't see why people get depressed etc. I mean in this case is moping around going to change the past? Of course not. If something tragic happened in your past, get up, dust yourself off and get over it! I mean I had a traumatic time in my childhood, but I just got on with it, and I'm not adicted to Litium. I can function perfect.

If something is happening to you now, do somethign about it. If you're being abused, report the person or use good old vigalante justice claiming later "self defence". If you're in debt, get a second job. there is nothing you can't fix if you really want to fix it.

Dennis Leary put it very very well in one of his jokes. He wsa obviously saying it as ajoke but it makes sense. He said

"

"I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey! Join the f**king club, ok!? I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Socks. Life sucks, get a f**king helmet, allright?! "I'm not happy. I'm not happy." Nobody's happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to f**king work, ok!? That is it! End of f**king list! "I'm just not happy." Shut the f**k up, allright? That's the name of my new book, "Shut the F**k Up, by Doctor Denis Leary. A revolutionary new form of therapy." I'm gonna have my patients come in. "Doctor, I.." "Shut the f**k up, next!" "I don't feel so.." "Shut the f**k up, next!"

"He made me feel so much better about myself, you know? He just told me to shut the f**k up and nobody had ever told me that before. I feel so much better now." Whining ****ing maggots

"
And I have to say, it makes sence. Shut up, get on with your life and for gods sake get off the litium!

Paddy20 · 23-11-2003 1:40pm

Unpopular,

I genuinely feel sorry for you. Then again, if ignorance is bliss [as they say]!. You shoud have an extremely happy life.

Best of luck, and no offence meant.

P.:ninja:

Dizz · 23-11-2003 3:45pm

Unpopular, you seem well equipped to deal what has happened Low's girlfriend so to you I can only wish that the same happens to you as happened that girl.

Dizz

23-11-2003 4:01pm

I must agree with unpopular, but then again I have to admit that this stance is taken from somebody who can't understand serious depression. Sure I have bad days, and sometimes I feel like "ugh...", but I just can't get my head around people who are like "I am soo sad every day". It just doesn't make sense to me...

Sangre · 23-11-2003 4:04pm

I hope you die IrishDizz so I can skullfúck your worthless brains out.

Anyway....yeah, depression is bad, but I dont get it at all.

Atreides · 23-11-2003 4:24pm

Originally posted by utility_
I must agree with unpopular, but then again I have to admit that this stance is taken from somebody who can't understand serious depression. Sure I have bad days, and sometimes I feel like "ugh...", but I just can't get my head around people who are like "I am soo sad every day". It just doesn't make sense to me...

Have you ever laid awake in bed at night, the only company being all the monsters in your head? Have you ever hit lows so deap you don't think theres anyway out, and often there isn't. I first started to be hit by depression around 12-13, with me I think it was just a genetics things i got from my father. But being extremely wrong willed and having family support i get through it, and its something i know I'm going to continue to get through. Life goes on and i can't just take to my bed forever. But without that support who knows.

joseph brand · 23-11-2003 5:28pm

Is there a culture of depression in Ireland which becomes stronger each day???
I think it is due to not being outside in sunshine, need to get more people playing sports outside!!!

I have two friends who don't like to be in a room with more than say, three people, and don't like leaving the house.
They stay at home on Pc, gaming, web design and downloading stuff on P2P networks.

Another friend doesn't like leaving house due to playing PC games all day, (no job either). His brother has scars on his arms from self mutilation and is on anti depressants and drinks 5 days a week, in bedroom.

What is this sad culture, makes me angry and sick at same time. I have sympathy but wonder if people are stronger when poorer and have to 'fight' for a good life???

Dizz · 23-11-2003 8:34pm

I hope you die IrishDizz so I can skullfúck your worthless brains out.

Miaow! U a big bad man :eek:

Paddy20 · 23-11-2003 9:45pm

Sangre,

Quote you; " Anyway.....yeah, depression is bad, but I don't get it at all ". !

I really hope you 'never' get real, clinically diagnosed depression, as I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

As for your disgusting comment to 'IrishDizz' !, well that just about tells me all I need to know about you.

Takes all types, Eh?.. and you must be one of the saddest examples of humankind, It has been my misfortune to encounter on Boards.ie.

No offence meant, as obviously you can not help being what you are!.

P.:ninja:

Sangre · 23-11-2003 10:00pm

Originally posted by IrishDizz
I can only wish that the same happens to you as happened that girl.
Dizz

T B H

And to clear it up, when I said it 'didnt get it', I meant that I dont understand it, I just don't know how someone can feel that way 24/7.

Thanks for your comments Paddy20, they completely brightened up my day.

Beruthiel · 24-11-2003 9:25am

Originally posted by Sangre
I hope you die IrishDizz so I can skullfúck your worthless brains out.

Anyway....yeah, depression is bad, but I dont get it at all.

sangre
tone it down
mmkay?
B

LegacyUser · 24-11-2003 10:47am

Don't people understand depression can be caused by a chemical inbalance? It's not a case of "snapping out of it", it's not just feeling bad, it's an illness. The sooner people understand this and stop treating us like overreacting little cry babies or lepers the better.

We're not talking about little 13 year old goth kiddies who think it's cool to be sad, we're talking about a genuine illness here. Do you tell someone with cancer to "cop the **** on" or someone that's schizophrenic to get over themselves? Depression is no different. If we could all snap out of it we would, genuine depression is no picnic.

Would be nice if there were less ignorant people on this board. You don't need to "get it" and for your sake I hope you never do because it's a horrible thing to have to live through.

Shilo · 24-11-2003 11:17am

Hmm, all a little off the original topic.

As for what's expected of you... I don't think that anything should be EXPECTED of you. You can only be there for as long as you can deal with it. Your girlfriend's life has been incredibly tough from what you say. And it sounds like you feel responsible for her because you think that without you, she'd have no one.

Her parents attitude sucks, frankly, but there's a certain proportion of society who does feel the need to hide behind the "it couldn't happen to us" mentality. People like that are unlikely to change any time soon - you've worked that one out for yourself already, I'm sure. It's pretty much hopeless asking them to deal with things if they're so emotionally selfish themselves.

You don't mention how old your gf is but the first thing that springs to my mind is that she'd have a much better chance of getting her life together if she got out of that house and that environment. I'm not suggesting that she should move down to be with you because that would be even more stress for you, and you really don't need any more. Does she have any family (aunts, uncles, cousins) that she could stay with for a while? I don't think you'll be able to get her to move forward while she has the whole weight of her family's apathy holding her down.

Honestly, if it were at all possible, I'd say she needs to go right away from the situation, and even from you, for a while because sometimes a complete change of scene and environment can work wonders that medicine can't. That gives her space and a kind of freedom from expectations about her.

As for your part in it, unless you get some distance from this whole thing, emotionally and physically, (and yes, I know it's easier said than done believe me) you're going to wreck your own chances of moving forward in life. Someone told me that the only way you can help in this kind of situation is with empathy and not sympathy and I think they were right. But in order to do that, you have to take a big step back so that you can see the wood for the trees.

Good luck to you both.
Shilo.

Quatre Mains · 24-11-2003 11:24am

- this is all getting off the subject at hand. A discussion on whether depression is a modern fad is v interesting, and is something on which i have plenty to say but itshould be put in a separate thread IMO

1. joint councilling as someone else mentioned would be worth trying. If it doesn't work, well you tried.

2. Go away for the weekend together if u can afford it, it won't work miracles but it will give you both a break away from your current environment. Go somehere where they have massages /jacuzzis seaweed baths / other girly crap that she might like,
and hopefully you'll both have a good time.

Her parents gaff sounds a bit of a nightmare, if shes living there would moving out do any good?
Come to think of it, would a move out of town be of some help to her? I don't know your situation so thats for u to answer, I'm only putting some ideas out.

Best of luck
Neil

Mr Pinchy · 26-11-2003 5:19pm

I agree with last two replies, unless she gets away from the house, the environment, the locality of the abuser, where it happened etc nothing will change. It will be a slippery slope which may get steeper. And you may not be able to help anymore. She needs normality, absense of threat, only then can the healing begin.

Well done on helping so far, but she lives up north, you down south, it may be a burden, I dont know your situation (at home, living alone, sharing), but is there any way she can move in with you? You are togeter 3 years so she trusts you. There is no point in moving in with unsympathetic/unknowing aunts etc, and the north is a small place. Long term normality, friendships without knowledge of the occurances, and a listening ear.

It will take a long time, it will be even longer under present circumstances.

What to do...

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