Advice on problem partner

limerickbabe

My partner has got himself into quite an amount of debt due to college. He now wants me to help pay the debts (credit card)
Im a student myself who works and this idea really stinks in my head.

I dont think i should help cos i didnt do it but he seems pretty adamant saying 'u left me do it so u can help me undo it'

Agggg its infuriating would u help ur partner if they f###ed up BIG time??? Am I being mean?I love this man with all my heart but i feel VERY let down by him with this desperate situation!!!!

tman

lol, what a ****ing sponge:D
a grade A leech.

tell him you'll help him if he changes his crappy attitude

robo

No bloody way!!!
Aghh...tell him to go and take a hike!!!
How bloody selfish!!!
Has he always been like this about money! Why??!!?
He has a nerve!

Oriel

He can get the card suspended, all interest and monthly charges will stop, and he'll be able to pay the card(s) off at whatever rate he can. You'll just have to come to an arrangement with the credit card company.

With regards him asking you to pay his debts, if you don't want to then, politely decline explaining that you can't afford to, but say you'll help him in whatever other way you can.

limerickbabe

can u get credit cards suspened does it effect ur credit rating ???

Capt'n Midnight

'u left me do it so u can help me undo it'

I take it you didn't agree to subsidise anyone before..
So they aren't taking responsibility for their actions.
You'll have to nip that in the bud

PS. now is not the time to setup a joint account.

Oriel

I'm not sure about it affecting your credit rating, but I guess it's not going to go down too well with the company.
Heh, do you really want him to get a new card?

KdjaCL

Does he work?
If not get him to get a job.

I doubt this debt is student related (ie school stuff).

If your not that serious you should let him sort but be supportive in a not your fcukin money way.

Also if this how he like now what he be like when you move to next level?


kdjac

Beruthiel

ppfffff
let him get his own credit card!

sceptre

Don't do it.

I owe a crapload of money on my credit card. My GF is in college and working her way to her masters for the next year. When she graduates she'll have a good job probably, I won't be graduating for another two years after. She won't be paying off any of my debt mountain. It's my problem. I really can't see the logic in you paying off his debts unless it's something you really want to do of your own volition (and probably not even then to be honest). I get the impression that he's putting you under some amount of pressure to do this. Certainly even if you're paying off some of the debt (see the way I said "some of"?) he should get some kind of job to pay off the bulk of it. Bank loans are relatively cheap at the moment if he's got any kind of regular income (it'd at least clear some of it)

DapperGent

This guy is a bit of a prat.

If his credit card is fucked tell him to go to his bank and get a loan to cover his credit card bill, then he can pay back the debt over a couple of years at 100 bills a month or whatever by direct debit.

Then get him to cancel his card. Then write "I'm too stupid to handle my own finances." backwards on his forehead. Then tell him to go sit down in front of mirror for the rest of the day.

RicardoSmith

Complete waster. Ditch while you still can.

Paddy20

It might be worthwhile, suggesting to him to go to the FREE - Money Advise & Budgetting Service (MABS)!. They specialise in this type of very common problem, and should be able to help him resolve his financial issue. They are in the telephone directories and also have a website full of advice.

As for your personal relationship. Money issues, such as his credit card debts. Should not be allowed to wreck the relationship, if he refuses to take the Advice from MABS, and then continues looking to you to bail him out, or tries to morally blackmail you into helping him financially.

Then you may have to face the fact that he is trying it on, and you should consider telling him that he is putting you under unfair pressure, which may cause you to reconsider your relationship.

Good luck.

P.:ninja:

simu

I dont think i should help cos i didnt do it but he seems pretty adamant saying 'u left me do it so u can help me undo it'

Sounds like he's trying to guilt you into feeling responsible for something you had no part in.

He should sort it out on his own - you're a student and you can't afford to take on another person's financial problems no matter how close you are to them. Say no!

Gordon

Maybe you do need to pay him back for some of it, you'll need to let us know what exactly he's talking about by giving examples.

/gordon being nosy

LegacyUser

You better do it or he might stab you

De Rebel

Originally posted by limerickbabe
I dont think i should help cos i didnt do it but he seems pretty adamant saying 'u left me do it so u can help me undo it'

Can you explain whet he is thinking when he say this? what excatly did the money get spent on?

Your probably better to avoid this and think about moving on, but if you want an informed opinion from us you'll need to do more explaining.

The Corinthian

There are a number of questions that you need to answer:

Is your relationship serious enough that you’re likely to be together for the next few years?

If you’re not together particularly long or either of you have a poor history for lasting relationships, then this is an important factor. Bare in mind that it may take a number of years for him to repay you - assuming he’s expecting a loan rather than a gift.

If he’s expecting you to gift him the money, then I’d be particularly concerned, and, frankly, suspicious if the two of you have not been together for a long time.

Is there any reason he cannot structure or consolidate the debt in such a fashion that he can pay it back himself over time?

Debts can be handled in a number of ways. Credit cards will generally carry a higher level of interest than most loans, so transferring the debt into a bank loan will save him a lot of unnecessary interest and penalties and allow him to structure payments over time.

Of course, this is assuming that he has a job at present. If not, is it for a legitimate reason or not (see below)? If he cannot get a job for a legitimate reason, then any loan he gets should also act as a bridging loan that would allow him to carry on until he is able to earn.

Your student’s union should be able to better inform him on the options available.

Was the debt incurred as a result of his further education or in a frivolous fashion?

Probably the most important question that you have to ask yourself though is whether these debts were incurred as a result of indolence. If he put himself in debt as a result of socializing or gambling and/or is living beyond his means because he’s unwilling to get a job, then giving him money will simply result in feeding this tendency. If he’s more serious and went into debt as a result of fees, upkeep or similar, and would be generally stoic with expenses, then this is a far better indicator of his character.

Finally, I’m curious as to why he’s saying that “left [you] do it so u can help [him] undo it”. Is it that he bankrolled you; bought you gifts/dinners/drinks? If so then it’s ultimately his own fault even though you probably should not have allowed him to do so. If someone offers me a free drink, I don’t expect to get a bill for it later.

Big al

dont do it,

get him to surf the debt. i.e. the banks offer you 6 months interste free credit when you tranfer your credit card balance, get him to transfer the debt to one of these and pay off what he can, at the end of six months do it again. i did this with my ex when she got into trouble took about 18 months though, and make sure they dont use the cards anymore (very very very very important)

limerickbabe

Yes I am with my guy for the last 10 yrs so it is a solid relationship. At the time of him creating a mountain of debt (€25k) I told him off. Better still the word he used be Nagging he didnt seem impressed with my nagging about the debts.

This infuriates me and Im quite depressed now!!!He is now working very hard to pay it off but its difficult with (Dublin rent prices cost of living etc) It is now seriously affecting our future.

gobby

if you pay it for him he will never learn how to handle such a debt. that could be a problem cos most people later in life will end up having debts much bigger than this. ie. a mortgague. you could always help him by just paying for drinks when he is broke or something. but dont let him take advantage of this!!

Paddy20

If I was young and burdened with that amount of debt. I would not hesitate in declaring myself 'voluntarily bankrupt'.

No creditor can get 'blood out of a stone'. Tell him it may be the only logical option. I have no sympathy for his creditors who after all allowed him to run up these debts, and they are insured against bad debts, so they are hardly going to suffer.

Once again, he should discuss this 'perfectly legal option' with the 'Money Advice & Budgetting Service' (MABS). They are in the phone directories and if you care to type in their name to a search engine like Google, it should direct you to their website, or try :- www.oasis.gov.ie
for more guidance.

P.:ninja:

Big al

Originally posted by Paddy20
If I was young and burdened with that amount of debt. I would not hesitate in declaring myself 'voluntarily bankrupt'.

and you can also forget about getting another loan for 20 years

McGinty

It sounds to me that your boyfriend has difficulty in handling money, that is his problem, don't make it your problem. I bankrolled my ex-husband, he was bad with money, I was a twat for bailing him out all the time, and I regret it. I could have had a great time travelling, spending the money on me, etc. Instead I paid of his debts, bailed him out of more debts, then he dumped debts on me when I left him, I am raising our child with no financial assistance from him, I realise I was a fool, I'm okay with it now, but please if you can don't make the mistake I made. Be selfish, and keep your money and left your boyfriend sort himself out, he has to learn how to handle money and budgeting. If you fear he will leave you, then he doesn't truly love you or respect you.

Paddy20

Big al,

Quote you: "and you can also forget about getting another loan for 20 years" end quote.

On what evidence, legal or otherwise, do you base this 'presumption' that an individual entering 'Voluntary Bankruptcy'!, will not be able to get another loan for 20 years?...

P.:ninja:

sceptre

Every loan application includes the question "Have you ever been declared bankrupt"

Join the dots.

Paddy20

sceptre,

With all due respect. That answer is not acceptable to me, "Join the dots, phhht!".

In any case. My question was clearly directed at 'Big al'. Or do you believe he is incapable of answering for himself ?..

P.:ninja:

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Paddy20
Or do you believe he is incapable of answering for himself ?..

To be honest, most people would be able to answer that question, and I was a little taken aback by your suggesting it.

To begin with he’d on a credit blacklist for the next few decades and not being able to get loans, credit/debit cards, mortgages, become a company director or hold a number of occupations. His creditors may simply be financial institutions, but chances are he probably owes also to family and friends, and I doubt they’re insured. Additionally, he apparently got himself into this mess and it’s been my observation that people who don’t have to deal with the consequences of their actions rarely learn from them.

limerickbabe: In fairness you’re in a relationship that is probably more long lasting than many marriages nowadays, so leaving him to his fate is not really an option.

Fortunately you’re in a position to impose conditions on any money you may give or loan. You can demand that he consolidate all his debts or even that you take charge of his financial matters. Take his credit cards off him (if he has any left). You probably should also suggest that you will only pay for his debts, directly, and only when matching (for 1:1 or 1:3 or whatever ratio) whatever money he puts in to pay off the debt. In short, you have to get matriarchal in the relationship.

Otherwise whatever money you give him will just be a stopgap. Something to keep the wolves at the door, and he’ll be back at square one before long.

Big al

I can answer for myself, I dont spend as much time on these boards as others.

I have worked in the FS sector for years and I know from experience that people who declare themselves bankrupt will not get a loan for years.

A little logic here, if you owed your mate €25k and told him that you couldnt pay it back do you think that your mate or any of his mates would loan you money again, banks may have 9 figure turnovers but they act on the same principle.

20 years may be a bit of an overstatement on my part, but to go VB is a major step.

A half way house in this situation would be to invoke any payment protection on the loans/ credit cards.

In the grand scheme of things this chap, if he is working, is better off with a credit union loan and a personal loan from the bank. The interest on the credit cards must be crippling

This situation isnt uncommon, its a shame to see many people get into so much debt before looking for help. Perhaps he should approach MABS

Paddy20

Big al,

Thanks for replying to my question, and admitting your statement that He could "also forget about getting another loan for 20 years", " may be a bit of an "overstatement" on my part", because thats exactly what it is.

I agree with your statement that "Perhaps he should approach MABS", except that as I have stated before IMHO as it is a FREE confidential service, and he is clearly in desperate need of the right type of advice and 'pro-active' help, there is no "Perhaps" about it. He should go and listen to the number of options available to him to get him out of this financial nightmare. They can lift a great burden off him and 'limerickbabe' as they will, if asked!, negotiate with his creditors, who appear to be a credit card/s co, and MABS usually are very clever at playing the financial game with credit card companies, who at times need to be told they will get 'nothing' unless they agree to a compromise solution that suits the debtors individual circumstances.

My main concern and gripe with financial institutions is that they can 'cold heartedly wreck peoples lives', by threatening all types of action, against a debtor who in reality simply can not afford to service a massive debt. So it is imho better to grasp the nettle and reach an early settlement instead of working yourself in to the ground in an effort to pay off over inflated interest rates etc, and probably worrying yourself to death, over a debt to a credit card company who specialise in charging crazily high interest rates, and do not give a damn about anything except screwing as much money out of you as possible, even if it wrecks your life.

Who, I ask myself is the real hoodlum!.

I sincerely hope this couple will go to MABS and ask for their help. As it appears to be the only logical option that may save their relationship, while resolving and putting in to 'true perspective' the fact that owing a credit card company, is not the end of the world. Despite the impression financial institutions try and give you with worthless threats.

P.:ninja:

limerickbabe

Thanks every1 who replyed to my thread. i hope any1 reads this who is in a relationship please dont threaten it with this sort of c##p.

I'll get my old man onto MABS b4 we'll both be committed over this stress!!!!Ha Ha

loismustdie

the question here isn't if you should pay but the fact that he is expecting you to and making you feel guilty. this is where you realise your boyfriends true feeling for you, not decide whether or not to pay his debts with him.

TwoShedsJackson

I dont think i should help cos i didnt do it but he seems pretty adamant saying 'u left me do it so u can help me undo it'

In all fairness only a complete wanker would say something like that. He dug his own bed and now he has to burn the candle at both ends, to mix about three different metaphors

I can tell you if I ran up a debt like that on my card and told my girlfriend that because she didn't watch me 24/7 and stop me from using the card that she had to help me pay it back, she'd have my balls for hood ornaments.

I suggest you adopt a similar attitude.

ButcherOfNog

dump him

/me waves at mr jackson

shoegirl

Ok, Limerickbabe, i've read the posts and here's my advice. It depends very much on your roll in his debts.

If he was bankrolling you - i.e. paying your rent, food etc, then you have some responsibility and it would be only fair of him to expect you to pay something back

However, if he was not (i.e. you both paid your own way and he never had to take out a loan in order to subsidise you), THEN GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON NOW. It is utterly, utterly wrong to expect somebody else to subsidise your debts, unless they caused them. 10 years is a long time, but catching up on "lost years" of paying back money and debt can take you years also. I'd strongly recommend giving him an absolute answer that you will NOT, under any circumstances, bankroll him.

In case you think I'm being extreme, back three years ago I was happily paying off a large car loan, 2 credit cards, had a comfortable lifestyle. I met somebody seemingly nice and they moved in with me. Next thing I knew i was the only one paying rent. My partner would get a job for a week, and always left within a couple of weeks, seemingly unpaid (I later found out that indeed, my ex had been paid, but had not told me). By now I was subsidising food, rent, and if I wanted to go off for the weekend, or go out, it meant bankrolling the partner.

Then my ex talked me into going to London. I left my job, moved over and within one month had fallen headlong into horrific poverty. My partner did not tell me that they didn't have £5 when leaving Ireland, and I was left to foot the bill. Believe me, I know how hard it is to say no. I paid for the hostels we stayed in, I even sold my car to pay the deposit and rent on the flat we took. Within two months, I was still on the dole, and my ex had been sacked from job no. 3, having earned barely enough to cover the next months rent. Meanwhile I realised that I had no way to keep up the IR£500 a month payments on car loan (still had that to pay off!), and 2 credit cards, not to mention my overdraft. I remember having one meal a day for Christmas 2001. (Eggs and ham actually).

My ex basically never earned again. I got a job and kept us going in London, with my overdraft exploding out of control. Then my partner started playing up again and disappearing for days at a time. I changed the locks, gave my notice and dumped this wanker on the streets of London. I came back to Ireland in debt to the tune of over €10,000 (plus £450 sterling of a phone bill my ex ranging up chatting up some woman in Australia!) and I had to start from scratch.

I don't care how much you love your boyfriend, but believe me, it will have you in pain for years! Walk away before its too late!

Kold

make him sign a contract

limerickbabe

Shoegirl my heart goes out to u that story was terrifying hope things are better 4 u now.....

Well Im standing by my man (dumping him is'nt an option)

I HAVE REFUSED TO PAY HIS DEBTS

We are both workin hard physically and mentally to mend this mess. His totally remorseful and he agrees now that it was a bit irish to expect me to cough up on demand like that!!!!! But still he has'nt got advice from mabs

Guys out there Be ware of Credit

Victor

Keep him in cornflakes and noodles , but don't pay his debt.

shoegirl

Good to see limerickbabe is not giving into the request.

Only thing I will say is that leaving somebody is ALWAYS on option!

There's a mental block you can have when living with somebody who messes things up for you both - the reality is that its always possible to leave, even if you think you can't.

Just remember that your decision to stay in whatever situation you are in is your choice. And you can always change your mind. Its important to realise and be aware of that.

Good luck with things anyway, I hope it works out. As for MABS, it is possible to sortt out without them, but they offer a good service for those who cannot