Multicultural Dining

Mad Mike · 18-11-2003 1:30am #1

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman … shipwrecked … Cannibal Island …ferocious cannibals … Cannibal chief offers pardon to whomsoever can prove his manhood by completing three heroic feats.

Prove intelligence by untangling the Devil Knot of Umba Wumba.

Prove courage by extracting rotten tooth from the mouth of a toothache crazed gorilla.

Finally prove virility by satisfying a widow whose sexual appetites were so voracious that the last six men who tried to please her died of exhaustion.

Paddy Englishman steps up first and tries to unravel the fiendishly complex knot. Two hours later, having achieved nothing he announces that the task is impossible and that this is clearly some kind of foreign joke. The Englishman is immediately grabbed, skewered and placed on a spit to slow roast.

Paddy Scotsman steps up next. He struggles with the knot for an hour and a half before finally untangling the last strand. Then he heads into the dark interior of the gorilla’s cave. Waiting outside the tribe hears a succession of growls, roars and screams which persist for three hours. Finally a broken , tattered wreck of a man crawls out of the darkness and collapses at the foot of the chief. When the chief asks “ Do you have the tooth?” the Scotsman shakes his head slowly. His semi-conscious body is carried off and plunged into a cauldron of boiling water.

Paddy Irishman steps up next. He hasn’t paid much attention to what passed before because he is nursing the mother and father of a hangover from a shipboard party the previous night. A freshly tied “Devil Knot” is presented and he examines it through an alcoholic haze. After about five minutes he grasps one end in his teeth and the other in his left hand. Then using his right thumb and left big toe he deftly works the strands loose and the knot falls open. Still nursing his headache he is pushed into the depths of the gorilla cave. After four hours of horrific screaming and moaning a deathly silence descends on the cave. The tribe wait and they wait. Just as they are about to turn for home a figure approaches from the depths of the cave. Paddy Irish man emerges with clothes a little torn. He is somewhat winded but otherwise in good shape.

The crowd stand back, in awe of this fierce Irishman as he marches up to the chief and says

“Now where’s this widda woman with the bad tooth?”