ahhhh!!!!!

LegacyUser

right im just gonna blurt out all the things that are trapped inside me here because otherwise i think i'll explode.

first off, im 15 years old and am in 3rd year in secondary school. i have a good lot of friends in school but no gf, however i've found that i've fallen in love with girl in my year. i told her how i felt and i could tell she didnt feel the same way (aside from that fact that she said she didnt believe in love) but she never said "go away and dont talk to me anymore" she just seemed to get over it really quickly and we were talking about other random things. but that issue's the least of my worries.
My parents split up about a year ago, well they didnt divorce or anything, they just split up. and now my mother's living in the house next to us that we owned and used to rent out. i live with my father and my brothers and sisters are all in a mixture of college, left college and working so that just leaves me at home with my father alone until the weekend when 2 of my brothers come back.
I hate school, last year i skipped it whenever i could get the chance and as a result i didnt do very well in my summer exams. there was a parent-teacher meeting about a month ago and all my teachers said that "it was very disappointing" and "he could do some much better, he could easily get an A". and the fact is that now my parents know i skipped school last year and a few times this year and they made me swear i wouldnt do it again and that i'd have to do really really well in my exams. but in any test i've done and exam (bar the 1st year ones which i did well in) i've tried really hard and still didnt do well. granted i didnt do much revision but i still knew the stuff. or well i thought i did.
I've said time and time again that when or if i do badly had it ever occured to them that maybe i CAN'T do any better? maybe that its the best i could do? but all they say is, no you're capable of far better than this. my xmas exams are on monday week and ive started revising this weekend but i can still see myself doing badly, no matter how optimistic i try to be and how well i know the stuff. sometimes in the mornings i stupidly think of killing myself just so i wouldnt have to go to school, although i have thought about it a few times just cuz i hated my life so much. aside from the fact that i HATE it when i'm told to do things and am made to do them. and when people think they're better or above me or anyone for that matter.
My parents really annoy the hell out of me sometimes. especially my mother mostly. i want something for xmas thats not..uh..normal shall we say. and my father's like "well we'll see how you do in your exams and what your attitude is" etc etc etc.. i want this thing sooo much and i can see myself doing badly in my exams and hence not getting it.
I have thought a lot about running away, and the only main thing is that next summer i get a considerable amount of money and among a few things i plan to get i plan to go camping on my own for a few days in the mountains or somewhere just to be alone and by myself. that's the main thing keeping me here and keeping me in school and reasonably out of trouble because i'm looking forward to it so much. but if i didn't have that i don't know what i'd do. i havent told my father about my plan for next summer, my mother has some notion of what i plan to do. and even when i finally tell them and if they say "no", i'm still doing it anyway. even if it involves leaving when he's asleep or whatever.
sometimes i just want to scream out loud because i get so pissed off being stuck here and not being able to just go off and not come back for a while. i'm not hugely into going out with friends (i do sometimes) or whatnot, mainly because i prefer keeping to myself and being alone. thats not to say im a loner. only when im not in school am i like this. one last thing aswell, i do get depressed sometimes - not major depression though, just feeling really s****t and not giving a f**k about anything or anyone.

is this type of feelings just normal for a 15-year-old? or do i have some weird mental thing? anyway, sorry for the long read but i really needed to get this off my chest and stop myself from blowing up.
thanks

Webmonkey

What i would do and what I do do to keep me out of all that kinda depressing and horrible feeling, I get a hobby. I know it sounds crap but it mightn't be that bad.

I skateboard with my friends, we film it, and now we thinking of putting to gether a website of photos in all that. Also i develop websites as a hobby, If i didn't have them I would be seriously screwed cause thats all thats keeping me going in life.

And like u I absolutly hate school, its sickening but we all must do it if we to get anywhere....just stick with it and look forward to the holidays, I know thats easy to say, well you must try....
and about girlfriends, well I had one for like 6 months and umm, i don't want one now till i'm at least 20, it kinda a big commitment for such a young age....And you should hang around with your friends more, it shud keep you happy, it makes me happy to hang around with my friends.....and if those friends arn't exciting, well make them exciting, Try something new.
my god like what my friends and I havn't done....we skateboard, wrestle, do jackass, made a company too once and made a few grand.....nothing stopping u at all....Just enjoy these years, they the best years of ur life

Ryo Hazuki

look forward to the holidays

Ah yeah, that always makes things seem better!
Most schools will have an ould day off on the 8th of December, Thats what Im looking forward to at the moment. Grand lie on in the morning!

Few schoops Friday, Saturday and Sunday Night!

Webmonkey

Originally posted by Ryo Hazuki
Ah yeah, that always makes things seem better!
Most schools will have an ould day off on the 8th of December, Thats what Im looking forward to at the moment. Grand lie on in the morning!

Few schoops Friday, Saturday and Sunday Night!

Ahh well better than nothing

LegacyUser

well i have a good few hobbies - i snowboard, i tried bmxing but didnt like it, i do archery and i collect a few things and i er..(this is gonna sound stupid but f**k it, i don't care what people think) like to stay up really late or get up really early and write poetry about the stars, moon and night or the opposite for the morning. oh and i play the bass guitar. so its not that...

Webmonkey

Originally posted by rewiff
well i have a good few hobbies - i snowboard, i tried bmxing but didnt like it, i do archery and i collect a few things and i er..(this is gonna sound stupid but f**k it, i don't care what people think) like to stay up really late or get up really early and write poetry about the stars, moon and night or the opposite for the morning. oh and i play the bass guitar. so its not that...

hey, thats not stupid and u shudn't be afriad to say it...bout the poetry....its quite fasinating that you can get up early just to do that.....u must have a gift...Maybe you should write a poem about yourself and it might make you feel better to let your feelings out into a poem

D!ve^Bomb!

there's a word for wot ur goin thru.. puberty!

u seem to have good hobbies,,, but there's always more stuff to do. become a lil more social and stuff... u may hate school now but when u leave u'll realise how great it was... as for ur parents,, if u think that u cant do good in exams then ask them if u can do grinds.. it'll help a lot and u'll meet more people... i think alot of wot ur goin thru happens to alot of people,, i dont think anyone hated school more than me,, it was so painfull gettin up in the mornin..

anyway,,, stick at it,, go out a lil more and look for some other hobbies,, u'll be grand

Beruthiel

Originally posted by rewiff
is this type of feelings just normal for a 15-year-old?

yes it is, in fact it's just about as normal as you'll get.
between about the ages of 15 to 18 are the most difficult, you are old enough to start deciding on things for yourself but too young yet for your parents to allow you too much freedom – not because they are trying to be nasty to you, but because they want the best for you, this is also why you may feel they are pushing you to do better. At the end of the day, what they are doing is for YOU!
Running away is not the answer and if you were to do so then you will have made your life so much more difficult for the future, the chances of success and living the type of life you will eventually want, will be much more out of your grasp than it is right now.
It is difficult for you to think long term right now, but try to imagine that it is less than 3 years before you could be off to college and mapping out a life for yourself. Don’t be short sighted, ride it out and give yourself the best chances you can in life – if you do, you will be forever grateful to yourself in later life.