date rape

LegacyUser

I will keep this short cos its hard to talk about. I am a poster on boards but decided to go anonymous for this. I lived in a disadvantaged area of near inner city dublin all my life and about two years ago I was raped.I didnt report it for a number of reasons,the main being i was going out with the guy at the time and he is my cousins half brother.(my aunts stepson) but it left me emotionally scarred especially since the one person i trusted in the whole world, my mother wowuldnt take me seriously because of what it would do to the family and because i was seeing him at the time. To this day i still get horrible flashbaks and i havent had any boyfriends since, im just too scared. Its left me an emotional mess and i really cant take it any more. every time i see him he and his friends shouts slut, bitch, at me. I had to leave school for 5 months because i couldnt take the bullying. whats worrying me even more is he has started txting me telling me what hes going to do me, i wont repeat but its disgusting and terrifyng me. can somebody out there please give me some advice or anything im really lost as what to do

ykt0di9url7bc3

Have someone beat some sense into him

Oriel

This is a police matter, don't be concerned about what your mother thinks.

seamus

Go to the Gardai with the abusive text messages, don't delete them. They can warn him. Whether you want to make a statement about the rape is up to yourself, but I would strongly advise it. You don't have to press charges, but if the statement is there, it may help the case if he does this to someone else (which it's likely he will, cos he's a complete scumbag).

Chances are there is someone who has witnessed the abuse you suffer, and you haven't spoken to them (a friend, even a casual acquiantance). Get them to make statements to the Gardai too.

Ignore your mother. Plain and simple. If she chooses to ignore it, that's her problem, not yours. If she won't get involved, you'll have to fight your own battle.

yellum

You need to talk to someone. I suggest the Rape Crisis Centre - http://www.drcc.ie/

Block his number.

You have the option of getting the gardai involved and getting some justice and you have the texts to back you up. (even if you don't have the texts anymore there may be a record in the bigbrother database belonging to the mobile companies) or if you are afraid what it'll do to your relationship with the family the RCC might just give you counselling. For what its worth you seem to be already treated like dirt by the family no matter what you do.

If you are underage they have to report this to a parent though, but if you are of legal age they don't as far as I know.

Typedef

One part of me says.

Tell the Gardai. Another part of me says, tell decco, you're mate from the area, who has a predilection for breaking knee caps.

I suppose doing the entire vigilante thing would be wrong, but, having the bastard strung up in court, especially if he is menacing you wouldn't.

You might be afraid of going to the Gardai, but, in reality, the Gardai have dealt with this sort of thing inumerate times and are very, sensitive to it, as part of their jobs.

You really should have this guy punished, so that he can't menace other women, moreover, since he is threatening you, I'd be quite worried of him carrying through on his threats, given his history.

So from here, get the Gardai, or perhaps you're big friend with the baseball bat involved.

tinkerbell

Go to the police.

Seriously, there is no point letting this scumbag ruin your life. And you can tell them what happened two years ago as well. You don't have anything to be ashamed about. Talk to your mother about it. At the end of the day, your mother is gonna stand by you no matter what.

tinkerbell

Oh and jus another thought ... you say you wouldn't be able to tell your mother because the guy is in the family and it would tear the family apart??

Well, when it all boils down to it, this guy is jus a "step-son", he ain't blood related to any of you. And I'm sure that if your family found out about what he did, they would all stick by you.

So don't be ashamed of it - tell your mother what happened, it wasn't your fault, and you need to get it off your chest. Keeping something like that to yourself for so long already has tortured you. You need to get it off your chest, and be able to hopefully put it behind you.

And jus because you were going out with him at the time makes no difference AT ALL.

Victor

You have two main issues

(a) the rape
(b) the on-going harassment

You can't make the rape go away just like that, you need time to heal and the best way to start on the way to healing is to talk to someone, be that Childline (1800 666 666) the Rape Crisis Centre (01 661 4911 Freephone 1800 778 888) or a counsellor or trusted friend or relation. Bottling it all up won't let you get as the Americans say "closure".

You can make the harassment go away by having a conversation with the Garda and/or your phone company or the Malicious Calls Bureau (1800 689 689 or 1800 475 475). The Garda or a judge are not likely to look kindly on anyone accused of harassment.

LegacyUser

Edit - ecksor

Tellox

Friendly man, your the type of person I'd love to see shot.


Worried, you need to talk to someone, the samaritans,or http://www.drcc.ie/ as yellum suggested. This really isnt something you can keep to yourself. He could have raped women before/after you, and he wont stop until some sense is knocked into him.

vibe666

i know you're scared, when i was 19 my fiancé was raped by someone she worked with, and it's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to deal with, but you CAN deal with it.

it tooks us a long time to get over it, and it changed us both forever and although we reported it to the police we didn't take it any further. it's a hard thing to tell someone about this kind of thing in an official capacity, but you really need to do something. you might not feel better initially, but it will get better if you let it. telling someone really is the first step to getting over it.

it was really hard for us to work though it, and i know we had each other, but in some ways it made things worse because we both blamed ourselves for what happened. it was a party we were both supposed to be going to, but i was called away to the other end of the country for work, and couldn't go. i was so close to not going away because i had a strong feeling of dread, but i was pressured into it by the company, even now i can't forgive myself for going, but i can't change it now.

she blamed herself for letting it happen and what it did to me more than for it happening to her, and we wereboth going round in circles for along time,until we decided to report it.

the police told us that it would be hard to prove as it had been so long since it happened, but a very nice female officer went though everything with us, and what we could do, and how to best deal with it, the whole thing, although difficult, was made as easy as it could be by her and her colleagues.

in the end, i just called him, but it didn't help at all. i didn't want to shout at him or anything, i just wanted him to know what he'd done,but he kept taunting me and telling me she was a slut and deserved everything she'd got etc. etc.

i ended up punching a hole right through our lounge door and driving straight to his house, but he'd legged it. in a fit of rage i broke in and set fire to the place,which didn't help at all, as he knew exactly who'd done it and to make things worse, i cut myself on the way in on some broken glass (i'm not much of a criminal mastermind as you've probably guessed). anyway, the long and short of it, is i endedup spending a month in prison before getting bail, and then was convicted of arson and due to mitigating circumstances,and numerous character references from my old school teachers and employers got 12 months probation taking into account the 4 weeks i'd spent inside already, and the fact i was the only one working as my g/f was a student.

i got off very lightly, as general recommendation in the UK for the crime i commited is 4 years. anyway, we got through it in the end.

what i'm trying to say is that you need to do something (don't set fire to anything) to be able to get past it, or it will keep eating you up.

maybe consider moving to a different part of town and making a fresh start, tbh, it doesn'tsound like you'd miss your family.

sorry for the long post,i think i needed to get it off my chest too. you're not alone anyway, and maybe the rape crisis centre would be able to give you some more advise on exactly what to do in your case, they really are very good.

daveg

Firstly Vibe I was awful sorry to read your post. Awful Awful story bud.

Worried86 I'm sorry to hear your story too. Imo you need to go to the garda's. I think you should press charges. He might do it to some other girl.

Evil Phil

I'm very sorry for both Vibe and Worried86, these things shouldn't have happened.

Worried86, go to the rape crises center and tell somebody what about this awful crime perpetrated against you. You'll feel much better (and stronger) afterwards. With on-going counseling you'll be able to put this behind you forever.

Going to the gaurds is something you should work through with a counseller or a therapist. Its quite a frightening thing to do (I've been there with somebody when they went to the gaurds). The most important person in all of this is you though, not the gaurds or this scum-bag. You.

If you're recieving threats you could simply go to the gaurds with the threats and not tell them about the rape. They are very helpful in these situations.

Peace

Its all very sound advice above.

You've also got to think about why this guy would stop sending you the text messages? Why he would think there is a deterrant to doing exactly the same thing to another girl? If you don't report it i doubt it will stop.

A previous girlfriend was sexually assaulted by a family member but she never did anything about it....she was ashamed and was afraid of what her family would think. She never reported it and nothing was ever done about it.

You should also think about changing you mobile number, it a pretty easy process. Also don't delete the text messages, keep them and show them to the gards. It will allow them to see a pattern of abusive behaviour which, i would imagine, is important to be able to demonstrate.

Indeed Vibe, i'm not sure what i would do if my GF was raped..... but if the gards couldn't do anything about it, i certainly would.

tinkerbell

I agree with Peace - changing your number would be a good idea. Although, since he is in the family, he might be sly enough to find it out from your aunt, etc. That's why you really need to tell someone about it, because they will be able to give you the support you need. Do ring your network provider (Vodafone, O2, Meteor), because if you are being harassed they can block his number.

Havelock

I would definitly go to the Guards, either with test messages or with them and what happened two years ago. For all the bad press the Guards get they are the law enforcers, they will do everything they can to help you. You may also prevent it happening to some one else, I've never heard of a sex offended only commiting a crime once.

As for other men in your life, there will be someone you'll trust eventually. When you can trust them tell them what happened, don't bottle it up, we men can tell when something is wrong. But this bollox shouldn't be allowed get away with what he has done to you, and you shouldn't allow him to ruin your life in other respects either.

vibe666

i didn't really post it for sympathy (well, not consciously anyway, but thanks for the support) more to emphasise to Worried86 that she's not alone.

thinking about it if the '86' was refers to the year she was born, and this happened 2 years ago,she would have been 15, and what the guy did is statutory rape. meaning that being under age (and him knowing it or being irgnorant of the fact) means that you are not able to consent to sex under they eyes of the law, and even if you had consented verbally to sex it would still technically constitute rape*.

*forgive me if this is incorrect in ireland, but thats what British law says, and that what in know the most about, being from the UK and all. I would imagine Irish law would be the same though.

anyway she would be in a pretty good position if she decided to go ahead with it, if she has the texts from him and can tell them when it happened and exactly what he did.

As for the is it or isn't it rape argument, in the eyes of the law* a woman can consent to sex and still change her mind at any time during intercourse, and if when she does withdraw consent the man continues to have sex with her against her will it is considered rape.

no means no means no. end of story, legally and morally. a womans body is her own fvcking business and nobody elses. and anyone who doesn't respect that is scum.

under EU law even a prostitute (not comparing what happened here to that, just trying to make a point) has the right to withdraw consent at any time if something is happening she does not like, and if they have the right, so does anyone else.

the bottom line is, that if a man is even a little unsure if a woman has consented to sex then he must make sure 100% before continuing that it is indeed what she wants. some guys might think it's harsh, but as i said before it's her body having something put into it, not the other way round. (sorry if thats too much elaboration btw).

as you can see, this is something i feel very strongly about as a man who has been through something similar with the person he loved and cannot tolerate anyone who thinks otherwise. in retrospect i'm kinda glad he wasn't there when i went to his house, because i know that the way i felt then, i would have killed him, and most certainly would have been caught for the crime due to the amount of evidence i left at the scene through carelessness. i know one thing though, if i ever come across someone doing anything like it to anyone whether it be a friend or stranger, he won't be walking away from it, and would be lucky to ever walk again.

ThreadKiller

Very valid point there about the statuatory rape by vibe666. Might be worth reporting it because then there's nothing you can do about it, you can't withdraw your allegation until properly investigated.

As an aside, every phone network has a "Risk Assesment" section who work closely with the gardai to combat coms crimes. Report it to the police & show them the text messages, if he calls you let it go to voicemail & every time report it. The police will get involved.

Look after yourself.

yellum

If it was statutory rape the Rape Crisis Centre has to report this to a parent or guardian, as do most counsellors. I looked into this before.