favourite lines

2smartbyhalf

When you see a worthy person,
Endeavour to emulate him,
When you see an unworthy person,
Then examine your inner self! :- Confucius

That the birds of worry and care fly above your head,
This you cannot change,
But that they build nests in your hair,
This you can prevent :- Chinese proverb

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel" :- Homer Simpson

"After that, my guess is you'll never see me again" :- Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects

"But soft, What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the Sun" :- Romeo, Romeo & Juliet

ll=llannah

"oh good! we can live together in a yellow submarine in the waters of failure!" - hilary

"why, that's nonsense on stilts" -hilary

"i think i hear the beegees, but that could be god telling me my time is up"
-hilary

lizzie: how do i fit both of these in there?
hilary: lizzie, please don't come wailing to us about your social life again!

"now if i were a squinch, would i really want to support a dome all day long? i mean i give and i give and what would i get?"

"is that....puh....wuhuh?" - katharine

"i'll be your potage, Agnes style"

"wheredjya learn ta shoot like tha'?"
"me an my brother used to sit home and a-shoot squirrels all day"
"why?"
"we didn't have a TEEvee!"

"Yay! Dixlesia!" -katharine

"sasha's monkey is gonna break hell (i'm talking tsunami here) on you in your sleep on monday night at 12:53 and 2 seconds in a basket with your mom" - sasha

"will YOU a-rock-a-my soul in de bosom of Abraham?.....please?" -Zoe

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

Some odd fellow had the following, hilarious, conversation with what he considered to be a rather attractive American female way back at session one in 2001.

Fellow: "You, you *points to hot chicks two best friends*... **** off. Casey, eh, before that big pack of bastards over there tells you *points to Dermo, Neil, Hugh etc.*... I Like You."

Casey: "Eh, okay."

Fellow: "So, we're still friends right?"

Casey: "Yeah, sure."

Fellow then runs / hops / skips away on a mission to hit someone.

---

Same fellow, this time in the canteen. Stands up on a chair and shouts at the top of his voice: "WANKER, WANKER, WANKER!"

---

Same Fellow: *snore - sound asleep*

Not so unusual you might say, except this was during a talk being given to us by some Ph. D. about something or another that had been arranged by our instructor.

---

Same Fellow, let's call him... Obb.

Obb: NEIL LOVES THE NORTH AMERICAN SPACE AGENCY.

You have to know certain details for that to be remotely humourous... but it was quite funny.

---

Dermo: In baseball, if a team forfeits then they win.

Tara (American RA): That's right you know.

*They both laugh.*

Obb: That's not very fair you know.

*Several hours later.*

Obb: Lying bastards.

*Next minute.*

Dermo: Oww. Stop kicking me in the testicles.

---

More recently, at a sleepover in Neil's house in September 2002.

Bob: *wakes up* Why is there a coke bottle in my pants? And a garlic bread basket covering my head. Sven, stop that, what are you doing Sven? Please stop that...

nosmo

Originally posted by OrangeRhino
<genius>

Oh, sweey Jesus..
I laughed until i cried and that thing with the snot happened

ll=llannah

"State laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obescenity are likewise sustainable only in light of Bowers' validation of laws based on moral choices."

The funniest ever- so, according to U.S. state law, obscenity of any kind and masturbation are illegal.
/falls on floor laughing

Havelock

Explains why most Republican's seem so pent up.
Also means i can never go to that state in America. Which one is it?

purplepolkadot

Jane: I'm sorry for calling you **** Ger.
Ger (Classics TA '03): Actually Jane, what you said was, if I was any ****ter... I'd explode.

Sarah McElwee (psych TA/teacher): ...orgies of violence...

Sinead Mullally: (psych teacher 02): SCARTASTIC.

Mate: *waves violently and shouts* COME ON LADS, IF WE RUN ROUND THE BACK NOW THEY'LL NEVER SPOT US...
(publican opens back door)
Mate: QUICK LADS... SUICIDE MISSION! SUICIDE MISSION!!!!!
(ya kinda had to be there)

Dan Dan he's our man, if he can't score her... she's a lezzer.

Aude(classics lecturer): Muireann, you are not to have any physical contact with boys during class.

Mate: Y'know, after they've added the yeast or whatever and they leave it there.... fornication.

Macdara: SOOK MEH WILLEH!!
also, STIMULATE MEH NIPPLES!!

Caroline: Yes, my uterus is fresh. We've got fresh uteri.

DUDE (paul from westmeath): Feck this lads I'm gettin' a drink.
(comes back with a big dirty pint.......... of rock shandy)
(note: i was served. heh heh heh)

Alex (to another Alex): DUDE!! ALEX!!

Muireann struts in late to class on her first day, sits down etc.
Richard: *sniffs pencil case* mmm....
Muireann: *moves chair about 3 yards* Eh.... he just smelled his pencilcase.

Craig David: Craig David all over yo' body.
Chris Martin: Coldplay all over your body.

Mate: OOOOOOOh we're wearing the same knickers!
Me: Ah no, mine are black.
Mate: Aw, my knickers are brown.
Me: * damn near piss myself laughing*

Me: YEAH WELL YA COULDA TOLD ME YA KNEW EIGHT DIFFERENT FORMS OF SELF DEFENCE BEFORE I KICKED YOU IN THE NADS.

Mate: Can you dislocate you testicles?
Mate #2: No, they can get pushed back in on themselves, if you get me.
Mate: *sits up, looks down his pants* Really? That should come in handy some day.

Brendan Quigley: Well, my mother works in casualty and one time this woman came in and she had a baby, and it was born with no brain. It had a flat head.
Me: *lip quivering* Really?
Brendan: Yeah, she was telling me...
Me: Really like? And the woman knew that like, the baby was in her and it had a flat head, and then she had the baby. Oh *starts to cry* So it was born dead? Stillborn like?
Some **** i have yet to identify: Well yeah, Jesus, it had no brain. Duh.
Me: *cries even more* That's awful.
Jane: Hope one of you babies don't have flat heads Lisa.
Me: *thinks of one of babies having a flat head. resumes crying*
(Later...)

Muireann: Ger, did Brendan tell you the story about the baby who was born with a flat head and no brain?
Ger: No, is that the story?
Lorcan. The ****.: Yeah, Lisa started to cry. Look, look at her, can you imagine Lisa, you're pregnant and your baby has no brain?
Me: *gets all teary, start muttering* yeah, well at least my babies won't be ugly and rude and ararararrararrrararrrr.

Me: It's ten ta lads; we may be heading.

Most importantly:
David Walsh, and only when he says it:

Eh...No.

Every time I saw Peter: Me: EUGH YOU'VE GOT A SEXUAL PERVERSITY WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR CHEST! PERVERT!! eugh i feel dirty.

Mate: So, what do you think the chances of survival are if we let it roll down the hill... backwards... with the handbrake somehow connected to the radio... and no aerial... and nails in the tyres... no, THREE of the tyres....etc.

Mate: (driving, at 75mph, round a bend, entering a town, on seeing a small blonde girl with pigtails skipping on the pavement, out of his head, turns round puts his arm on the headrest to talk): Jesus, this is just like that drink driving ad isn't it? WE should put on a bit of the oul' Samantha Mumba.
Me:#Body 2 Body, Funk 2 Funky...

Me: I should probably stop telling everyone i'll have their babies, cos realistically there's only room for Nathan, Eleanor, Saoirse and Oisin.
Mate:...AND LITTLE JACOB. DON'T FORGET LITTLE JACOB.
Mate#2: You're naming your kid after a biscuit?!?
Mate: Yeah, have you met our daughter Kimberley?
Me: She's over there chillin' with Cadbury's Chocolate Mini-Finger.

i'll post more later, i'm in that sorta mood.

Havelock

Squee to Me (While I'm on the phone to my girlfriend): Give it to me, give it to me now Alex, Alex GIVE IT TO ME or I'll castrate you!

Me (In courtyard of Res, while shot by someone with an invisable gun): Argh, I'm dead (mock death fall back, smacks skull on manhole cover) BO**OX!

Jenny to Me: Realised Crash will delete what ever I write and ban me, so <snip>

Chowmein: Freudian Slips are when you want to say one thing but say mother.

Lordslippa: As with Jenny, thought more likely DeVor would 12 click for repeating anything Sven says.

Crash

Actually i demand you fill in the blanks or i will ban you

Havelock

Jenny to Alex:

Blow! I'll blow you!
(I had to be physically helped off the floor of a cafe in town, several times)*Giggles*

^There is hundreds in the above vien, but that one is the funniest.

Others to follow

mr_bojangles

a woman is a lot like a nuclear reactor; you just have to read the manual and push all the right buttons

Homer Simpson

carbonkid

tell me ladies and gentlemen do you like the pillet(fur coat)? some bitch
stopped me on the way here "what poor unfortunate creature had to
die for you to wear that" my aunt trudy i replied
-hedwig and the angry inch

Stark

lines of cocaine, mmm

angelofdeath

In this world gone mad we won't spank the monkey the monkey will spank us -Jay

smiles

Originally posted by Scarlett

(On some mini-skangers)They seem to have a fascination with vowels. Probably because they've been raised by their mopeds.(Possible slight misquotation) <--I can't remember who said that, it was either the Computational Linguistics TA or instructor.

What?

Originally posted by s0l
Aine, that was Fio our instructor.

when? where? why?

dear lord.

<< Fio >>

smiles

Originally posted by Barry Aldwell
Nobody at the first disco in S1 knew the words. Damn you all.

I did

<< Fio >>

ll=llannah

Please do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (a sign in a ski lodge)

"That sound that you're- you know, that boom? That's my mind, blowing." (Marshall - in Alias - the tv show)

"your messiah didn't come" (accompanied by several bouts of laughter)

"that was the most pretentious, pseudo intellectual thing i've heard out of your mouth all week . . . do you see the naked dancing french philosopher women? right there? *points to other side of park* mocking you?"
"um, what?"
"precisely."
"oh i see them"
"you DO? hmm..."
"i like naked women"
"nevertheless, they still mock you. and you don't have a chance in hell to get with any of them"
"how the hell do you know they're not just playing hard to get?"
"oh, just a hunch"
"wait, they ARE imaginary, right?"

"aw, depression is so endearing"

"lets play the game called watch the world go to hell"
"yay! that's my favorite, but i always roll a 6"

"Aw!"
"Yes, damn feelings!"
"Stupid emotions!"

mr_bojangles

" I woke up sucking a lemon" thom yorke

mentalimplosion

father ted

eoin mc love to old women: "get away from me, i don't want to catch the menopause!!!"

Duddy

Oscar Wilde's last words:
"either that wallpaper gos,or i do".

purplepolkadot

Me (on finding out a cow had been making up stuff about meself): "looks like her legs aren't the only things she's been spreading..."

"lets go and throw all the songs we know into the sea, you and me..."

Jane: "Yeah, nice guy, but watch your purse"

Dude (goes up to & checks out group of girls): "I've got decks".

Dude: "Shall I buy you a drink now, or after I've taking you into the corner and giving you a good seeing to?"

-"My god, I'm going to have several cats, do needlework, get the bus to bingo, love winning streak, live alone and be the ****est person ever. Just you wait. And I'll have no friends. Cos I'll smell really badly. Of the cats like."
-"My granny lives alone, has three cats, makes quilts, goes to bingo and loves winning streak"
-"Ah no, I didn't mean like that, I meant..."
-"So does my other granny".

"Just go in a bottle. I hear boys can do that."

"Don't have a vagina?? Never stopped me before!!"

Dude (to a nun): "Jesus....F$cking...Christ"

"here, did you ring her? gimme back my phone so"
"what?"
"my phone like, i want to send a message"
"i don't have your phone"
"and what's that in your hand?"
"your phone"
"you said you didn't have it"
"I DON'T"
"THEN WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND"
"YOUR PHONE"
"I WANT IT BACK"
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE YOUR F)UCKING PHONE"
"IT'S. IN. YOUR. F)UCKIN HAND"
"oh this phone?"
"YES" *yanks phone away, with great gusto*
"jesus christ no need to get so emotionally involved. i was only minding it for you."

i thought there'd be trumpets

shake it, shake it, shake it, shake, oh -h, shake it like a polaroid picture...

so i lit a fire, isn't it good, norwegian wood?

"she asked you to support a charitable cause? well i woulda slapped her face."

Duddy

"Farewell, my children, forever. I go to your Father.
Executed by guillotine,
Monsieur, I beg your pardon".
Spoken to the executioner, after she stepped on his foot.
~~ Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, d. October 16, 1793~~

"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
-- Plato~~

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. --Robin Williams

"How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?"
- - -Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." -- Goethe

"Never eat more than you can lift." — Miss Piggy.

Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !" — Homer Simpson

If something goes wrong... blame the guy who can't speak English." — Homer Simpson

"The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1- Cover for me.
2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
3- It was like that when I got here." — Homer Simpson.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." James Dean

freakydeadgirl

" if i'm going to die for a word, my word's poontang"- animal mother, full metal jacket

" i bet you could suck the chrome off a tralierhich"- eight ball, full metqal jacket

" i love the smell on napalm in the morning, it smells like victory"-apocolyps now

" don't panic" - hichicker's guide

" kill the pig.... slit its throat...."- lord of the flies
************************************************
people quotes from school:

alex:" honk" *said while reaching across the table and squeezing my boob*

my frequent refrain: "sticks and stones my break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!"

sarah:" didn't you know. she's the goth-bondage stripper. that's why she has " dance class" on tuesdays and leaves early on fridays."---concerning about what i do after school--

andrew: "let's duct tape andy to the pole."

various peoples:"why do you have a role of duct tap in your back pack?"

Raphael

I think this has finally grown to the stage where it should be released

I've been compiling this list of things that have been said in AIM conversations since about the summer

Enjoy!

---

'Tias: hmmm.... my wench is too soft....

John: is her nemesis a eunuch?
'Tias: no, a normal human

John: crap, I just melted my shoe

John: I also once set fire to my sock, it doesn't meant I’m stupid

'Tias: gets a couple of oxygen tanks, puts a pressure fuse on them, drop them to the mid Atlantic ridge and jump on a helicopter to get the hell away...
'Tias: the oxygen is released on the ridge...
'Tias: boom
'Tias: major earthquake...
Aonghus: millions of people on both sides the ocean die from the ensuing tsunami
Aonghus: great plan

John: dam I got blood on my miscellany

John: did you find a lesbian yet?

Cat: riiight *that* kind of modelling *snicker*

Aonghus: and making fields sexy

John: why with the tongue Matthias?
John: it's just mean

John: Tias you're obsessed with fecking orgies!!!!!

'Tias: I think I might have had the wrong departing gay

Aonghus: probly best to ignore this hun
John: you do realise that a hun is a mongoloid whose race were partially responsible for the fall of the roman empire. And Cat is quite clearly not a mongoloid whose race were partially responsible for the fall of the roman empire

John: (anyone else think it's funny that Cat says "no offence” to Tias while insulting math?)

John: I was only gay once!

Aonghus: nuh?
John: nuh???
Aonghus: like buh, but I missed the b

Eamonn: I don’t have an extended anything....

Cat: is there such a thing?
Aonghus: as an aoife?
John: it depends on what mood you're in

John: and second I was holding him still
John: or at least trying to
Aonghus: so you could rape him?

'Tias: hmmm radiation blasted beef :-D

Eimear: POWER TO THE ENVIROMENT!
Aonghus: yes!
Aonghus: run electric cables into trees!

Kitty: masturbation is good, but it’s not the best....

Aonghus: its 20 to 3 you know
John: !!!!!!!
John: htf!
John: I musta fallen asleep

John: BUSH SHOULD BE SHOT
John: TWICE
John: REPEATEDLY

'Tias: AONGHUS RAPED A RABBIT!!!

Aonghus: so you’re in town picking up toddler sex
Aonghus: gotcha


Aonghus: brb
Aonghus: ironing pants
Eoin: ...
Eoin: Am I entirely sure I'm the gay one out of us two...?

Cat: I’m doing a project for English with the song "we didn't start the fire"
Aonghus: we didn’t?
Aonghus: then why do my clothes smell of gasoline?

Tias: can't be her long
Aonghus: so, you'll have to be him?
Aonghus: that sux

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

A couple more gems from the most logical man in the universe, and also a brilliant physics teacher, Alfie Marron. They are slightly paraphrased and perhaps Barry can provide a more accurate account of the dialogues in question. They get the general idea across though.


"Now lads, don't be kiddin' yerselves... to say to yourself 'I understand this' is complete codology given the current state of your minds."

Codology (n)
The art of codding, to fool or otherwise mislead.

Alfie: "Now Paul, what are you talking about now?"
Paul: "Sir, I was just explaining to David how line motion applies to trains."
David: "You mean Linear Motion?"
Paul: "Yeah, I meant that."
Alfie: "Sure yeh did Paul, that's another big word... like marmalade."

Barry Aldwell

Originally posted by OrangeRhino
Alfie: "Now Paul, what are you talking about now?"
Paul: "Sir, I was just explaining to David how line motion applies to trains."
David: "You mean Linear Motion?"
Paul: "Yeah, I meant that."
Alfie: "Sure yeh did Paul, that's another big word... like marmalade."

It went:
Alfie: "So they pasteurise the milk" (don't ask me why we were talking about milk in physics)
Paul: "They homogenise it" *smirks like he just discovered the cure for cancer*
Alfie: "No Paul, that's another big word.....like marmalade"

Also:
"Now at this current level of work all we're training ye to be is a bunch of gents. Now if that's how you want to live, if ye've got some rich aunt or uncle to leave you a fortune, I don't mind. But until then we're gonna get some work done"

Guy in applied maths: "Sir, do you like poetry?"
Mr Mulligan: "No, sure they're all smoking stuff when they're making it up, and you need to be smoking the same stuff to understand it"

freakydeadgirl

more entertaining quotes:
" this is my sand box. i can't go in the deep end, that's where the leprechaun is he tells me to burn things...' that's right laddie. you've done well. now burn the house down'... BURN THEM ALL" -ralph, the simpsons
" time seemed to hover in limbo, souls suspended in unison. then... with the whole world watching...time ran out." angels & demons by dan brown
things people have said:
" well i won't pay until i'm serviced"- english teacher
"i'm bored. let's have an orgy"..." but we don't have enough people, there's only four of us"...." damn. hey you kid. wanna join our orgy?" ( underclassman looks at us and runs away looking over shoulder)...( we laugh.) - afterschool

the_only_Ali

"I hate the pain, but I love the glue!!!!!"- Aoife

"I can't give birth alphabetically!!! What the hell do you think I am????"- Me

"Meh. **** happens"- Ruth, said as Jesus dies during The Passion of the Christ

"I missed you in maths class Dee. You put the fun in functions"- Moi, to Deirdre

student: What kind of black trousers do we need?
music teacher: sophisticated ones, not black skanger o'neills.

student: whats an elk?
biology teacher: a kind of big extinct dog

student: how do bees build thier hives?
biology teacher: they spin webs from silk

dammit cant think of any more. I will tho... later when my brain is switched on.

Scarinae

Policeman- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
Ted- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
Policeman- (Nods his head)
Dougal- Ted....
Ted- Shut up Dougal
Dougal- No Ted....
Ted- I told you to shut up Dougal
Dougal- I was just going to say that....
Ted- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money. But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you (Mocking Dougal) Ted, Ted, why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet? Well I did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of real people. Thank you so much.
Dougal- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open

taby

The best lines are as follows: ( note not definitively the best but ones i find funny)

A moment in father Ted when he's on phone at the window and dougla picks up staue of Mary and waves it by said window...Ted collpases in shock.
( One u really have to see for self)

My boyfriend: " I can see the game in code and also in real life." - It was funny at time cos he sounded like Neo from The Matrix which he loves so was ironic.

And finally but not least ( and trust me i cud think of sooo many more):

Mr Big in sex and the city saying " You can't stop me" to carrie and carrie tripping him up and sending him sprawling :-)

And of course i come up wit so many innocent lines myself that have people in fits of laughter such as:

My friend Sarah in lecture: You know i really hate ferrets. ( * we were talking bout along came polly*)
Me: You really hate lunchboxes???!!

She couldn't stop laughing for few minutes. I didn't hear end of what she had said. And she was routing in bag among lunch so i assumed lunch boxes. :-)
She now calls me lunchbox..*sigh*

:-)