Star Trek The Night Before Christma

Capt'n Midnight

'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
On a routine short hop to Starbase 03,
With Data on duty in the command chair,
At Warp 6, the Enterprise soon would be there.

Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
He scanned where historical records were kept --
And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head,
"Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.

But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
And so he buzzed Geordi, who awoke with a sigh:
"Christmas? It's only an old holiday --
Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"

"But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do?"
And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship and crew.
Everyone on the Enterprise awoke from this clatter --
Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.

"What is the meaning of this noise, Mister Data?"
"Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it much later!"

Just then Worf said, "Captain -- a Klingon Prey Bird!
Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."
"On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
"Federation vessel, our Life Support systems have failed!

A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst,
(though naturally, of course, we'd fired on it first)."

The Klingons beamed over, and the senior staff met,
To try and determine the source of the threat.
Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you:
Give all of these Klingons something to do!
They think it's the Romulans we should look for,
Get them all off the bridge, before there's a war!"

So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
Wondered: Romulans? Ferengi? If not them, then who?

Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!"
The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.
Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!"
"Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
With synthohol, singing and Rokeg Blood Pie!
Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer
Friend,foe, and family came from both far and near.

The Romulans showed up with some Romulan Ale,
The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!
But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told,
With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.

Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!"
Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, just hold back."
And then as the ship came into view,
Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

He wore a white beard and a suit of deep red...
"Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.
"Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk.
You need good defense systems in this line of work.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away...
Did you think anyone else could do this job in one day?"

"I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
"Peace in the galaxy, Good Will and Joy."
And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight,
shouting,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

Capt'n Midnight

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face...
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain,
"You'll stop this at once!"

And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
"For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclain as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

Capt'n Midnight

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the spaceship,
Every creature was stirring,
Including Commander Flongwhip.

Uniforms were thrown
On the floor without a care,
As many aliens floated,
Upside-down, in mid-air.

And Commander Flongwhip with his Snotglop,
And I in my Fnack,
Set a course for Earth,
As we had a large snack.

When suddenly outside the spaceship
There arose such a clatter,
That I jumped up from my chair,
Thinking we had hit a pile of matter.

Away to the spaceship window
I ran with Captain Fnash,
Tripped over Sargent Suttah
And fat Lieutenant Clash!

The moon on the side
Of our spaceship was shining,
And then I heard Sphignat,
Our spacedog, start whining.

When what to my large,
Onyx eyes should appear,
But long, shooting flames
Coming out our ship's rear!

I turned to Captain Fnash,
Who was now floating more quick,
And said, "Captain, I fear
We've run into Saint Nick!"

More rapid than dungshotz
Flew the reindeer we'd maimed,
And as we entered Earth's atmosphere,
I suddenly exclaimed:

"Poor, Dasher! Poor, Dancer!
Poor, Prancer and Vixen!
Poor, Comet! Poor, Cupid!
Poor, Donder and Blitzen!

They got in our flight path
As we were starting to fall,
And somehow our spaceship
Ran into them all!"


To the tops of their antlers!
To the tops of their heads!
These deer had an accident,
And I hope they're not dead!"

As dry spaceship waste
Emits a foul odor,
When it's left to sit too long
With no spinning motor,

Somehow these eight reindeer
Got in our way,
And since they're Santa's team,
They'll now be heck to pay.

Then we landed on Earth,
And saw the injured reindeer fly
Over our heads with
Huge, bewildered eyes.



These poor deer had met
With an obstacle in the sky,
Up in the atmosphere,
Surely they were flying too high.

And then, suddenly I saw them
On our ship's roof,
They were scraping and clawing
With each reindeer hoof.

As I was turning around,
I heard a strange sound
And saw Saint Nicholas fall down
From the sky with a bound!

He landed on our spaceship,
Squashing four of his deer,
And then he yelled terrible words,
And I was filled with great fear.

He was dressed in black fur,
From his head to his foot,
And his once-red clothes were tarnished,
But from ship's fumes, not soot.

A bundle of broken toys was
Slapped across his back,
And a pedal from some poor kid's bike
Went sailing out of his pack.

His eyes - how mad they looked!
His dimples, were silly,
His cheeks were sagging balls of fat,
His nose was bumpy and hilly!

His drooling, little mouth
Was tied up like a sash,
And the beard on his chin
Was as brown as moldy mash.

The stump of a pipe
Had caused him to break his teeth,
And the smoke from our spaceship
Circled his puffy head like a wreath.

He had a blimp of a face
And a hugely fat belly,
That was covered with remnants
Of peanut butter and jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
A quite old, fat, elf,
And I pulled out my ray gun--and aimed it,
In spite of myself!

A blink of his eye
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had something to dread.

I spoke not a word,
But went straight to my work,
And began to neutralize him,
Before turning with a jerk,

And cramming a finger
Inside of my nose,
And giving a nod,
Into my spaceship I rose.

I sprang to the bridge,
To my team gave a scream,
And away we all flew,
Like we'd just had a bad dream.


But Earthlings heard me clearly bellow
As we warped out of Earth's sight,

That fat old man just had a really bad night

the raven

eek, they're terrible.

Poor, Dasher! Poor, Dancer!
Poor, Prancer and Vixen!
Poor, Comet! Poor, Cupid!
Poor, Donder and Blitzen!

"cupid"?? now i can't imagine him with antlers and pullin a sleigh...

Raphael

the star trek ones rocked, aliens 1 sucked tho

Lyconix

Star Trek ones were a good read

kmart6

That one is actually good

Kazu

lol

Havelock

I actually read the first two aloud in course, I'm getting odd looks.
*Groan*
*Drops head onto desk*

But they're great. A merry Nerdy Chrsitams to you all!