These jokes will sleigh you!

Capt'n Midnight

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edwin! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because two 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the "deer"-bell!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-"deer"!

How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!

And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

Keep that reindeer out of the house! It's full of fleas!
You'd better stay out of the house, Rudolph - it's full of fleas.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer's gone missing again, put a 'Missing' advert in the local paper!
Don't be daft. Reindeer can't read!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!

What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
Call him anything you like - he won't hear you!

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
"Elk"-a-seltzer!

What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!

What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer?
Eileen.

What does Father Christmas the reindeer with only one eye that's got no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!

What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement?
I don't know.
A reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.

What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop for a new one!

What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.

What's the name of the reindeer with three humps on its back?
Humphrey

And that black and blue reindeer?
Bruce.

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
"Deery" Queen!

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
"Rude"-olph!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match?
Because they're both stopped by the rein.

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the other reindeer overtake Rudolph?
Because they don't believe in passing the buck!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a "rain"-deer!

You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you?
No. They can't afford the admission.

Capt'n Midnight

What do elephants sing at Christmas?
No-elephants No elephants...!

What do angry mice send each other?
Cross-mouse cards!

What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!

What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!

What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!

Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!

"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"
"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."

What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!

What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!

What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!

How do Chihuahua's say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A merry Christmas to ewe!

What squeaks and is scary?
The Ghost of Christmouse Past!

What do you call a cat on a beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claws!

What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

Where do polar bears go to vote?
At the North Poll

What do sheep say to Santa?
Seasons bleatings!

What do you call a penguin wearing ear muffs?
Anything, he can't hear you!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Santa Paws

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What's the most boring animal?
A polar bore!

What sort of insects love snow?
Mo-ski-toes!

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a polar bear?
A "brrr" - "grrr"!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus

Capt'n Midnight

The Art of Kissing
Miss L Toe

Winning at Charades
Vic Tree

Guessing your Presents
P King

Bad Gifts
M.T. Box

How to get a Great Present
B Good

What do do after Christmas Dinner
Clare Inup

101 Cures for Indegestion
Ivor Pain

Sledging for Beginners
I.C. Bottom

Christmas Questions
I Dunnoe & Noah Little

Make your parents get what you want
Ruth Lesschild

Surprise present!
Omar Gosh

I'd rather have fish for Christmas Dinner
Ann Chovie

Happy New Year
Mary Christmas

Will Grandpa come for Christmas
Woody Kum

Too much Christmas Dinner
O. Beets

My Brother Hogs all the Potatoes
Dick Tator

Capt'n Midnight

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
How do you describe a rich elf?
Welfy
How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!

If there were 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be?
The twelf

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOG on"!

What do elves sing to Santa?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

What do Elves use to go from floor to floor?
An Elfevator

What do elves write on Christmas cards?
Have a fairy happy Christmas!

What do they call a wild elf in Wyoming? Gnome on the range!

What do you call a wound that is caused by being stabbed by an Elf?
It's Elf-Inflicted

What do you call an Elf walking backwards?
A Fle

What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!

What do you call an elf with a skin disease?
A leper-chaun.

What is a female elf called?
A shelf

What is big, green and packs a trunk?
An Elfephant.

What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread!

What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!

What kind of music do elves like best?
"Wrap" music!

What nerve is used to sense elves?
The Elfactory Nerve.

What's another name for Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!

Where do elves go to get fit?
An elf farm!

Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!

Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-"elf"-a!

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

Why did Santa tell off one of his elves?
Because he was goblin his Christmas dinner!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drum sticks!

Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, "No L!"

Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where its itchy!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

Capt'n Midnight

I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

Christmas gnomes are so small in fact that they have to stand on a ladder to fasten their shoe laces!

I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly,
But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!

I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed,
but when they cry the tears run down their back!

What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word gnome in it!
Pupil: Er.... the man's house burnt down so.... he hadn't a gnome to go to!

Gnome: Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing pink and green spots in front of my eyes!
Doctor: Good gracious! Have you seen an optician?
Gnome: No... just pink and green spots!
Doctor: I mean, have you ever had your eyes checked?
Gnome: No. They've always been blue!

Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What did the little demon do when he bought a house?
He called it Gnome Sweet Gnome.

simu

Did Rudolph go to a regular school? No, he was "elf"-taught!

What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station!

These ones actually *are* funny!

Capt'n Midnight

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

Nurse! I want to operate. Take this patient to the theatre.
Ooh! good! I love a nice pantomime at Christmas!

Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange!
Have you tried playing squash?

Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit
Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm

Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.


What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!'

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.

This turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

What's brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"

What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers!

What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!

What's the most common wine at Christmas?
Do I have to have the brussel sprouts!

Will the Christmas pudding be long?
No, it'll be the traditional round!

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'

A football supporter's favourite Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'

A rabbit's favourite Christmas song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'

How about a talkative princess in a tower?
'Silent knight!'

What do elves sing to Santa?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Capt'n Midnight

A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is"just DESSERTS" spelled backward.

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick !

'It's so cold outside,' the elf said, 'that I just watched a polar bear jump from one iceberg to another and if froze in mid air!'
'That's impossible,' Father Christmas said.
'The law of gravity won't allow that!'
'Oh, I know' Gnora said, 'but the law of gravity's frozen too!'

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter "Y"!

What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !

What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight !

What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?
Ig-"glue"!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek !

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall !

What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party !

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick !

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ?
It was a scream !

Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

Fabritzo

Did you ever have standards Capt'n?

You're lucky it's a time for forgiving and so on and so fourth.
I admire the work that went into the postings, I haven't read all the 'jokes' yet, I may find a good one yet, ya never know ; )

Pugsley

Go away, just go away, eBully!

Mossy Monk

some of them were funny

kmart6

F**kin hell that took forever to read,some of them did actually make me laugh:)

the raven

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement?
I don't know.
A reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.

excelllent. and about the only good one in it....

Victor

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first

You could just give the polar bears venison for the main course instead of seal.

AL][EN

What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!


What does Father Christmas call the reindeer with only one eye that's got no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Priceless, Pure class!!

Well i'd never need tell a christmas joke again i think we got them all covered here

quank

JEBUS CAPTAIN!
is this all you do?

anyway, very good job!
every single one of them made me chuckle inside my fat blubbery body with delight
.............................

5 stars for you buster!