jokes

waffles

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy. As they walk through the ape and gorilla section, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (No pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor ape some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let the straps fall to show a little more skin and cleavage. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars off his cage. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

The husband then grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you've got a ****ing headache



The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"



Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker




It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Oh ****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre

waffles

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,"I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

kmart6

There all class:D

Paddy20

Now, dem be real jokes. Brillianto, nearly died laughing, yep:D

P.:ninja:

unkel

The canon on the tripod - ROFL

quank

LOL
the camera one is best