Funniest love letter ever!

GUINNESS POOH · 10-01-2004 12:37am #1

> > Dear Audrey:
> >
> >
> > I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
> > "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
> > swore
> > I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in
> > me
> > talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
> >
> > In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
> > guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot
> > of
> > things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
> > looking
> > bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
> > does.
> >
> > Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
> > is
> > what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."
> >
> > I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
> > not
> > you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
> > Flamingoes
> > and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
> > illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with
> > one of
> > those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
> > skating
> > can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and
> > an
> > ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
> > couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
> > made
> > important in our lives.
> >
> > It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her
> > better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
> > Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
> > moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought
> > of
> > that before.
> >
> > I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
> > tossed
> > her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why
> > do I
> > feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or
> > her
> > slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of
> > loss.
> > Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
> > same
> > because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?
> > Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy
> > without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
> >
> > Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year?
> > Well,
> > she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I
> > wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant
> > till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses
> > of
> > wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom.
> > And
> > this tart's a total monster in the sack.
> >
> > She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's>
> > not
> > hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
> > And
> > all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' old
> > vanity.
> >
> > So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
> > ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't
> > help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?
> > We've
> > had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex
> > aid."
> >
> > Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
> > mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
> > her
> > shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
> >
> > She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in
> > general.
> > She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So
> > we're
> > drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this
> > teenage
> > girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
> > looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And
> > then
> > it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me
> > to
> > thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how
> > that
> > probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how
> > even
> > then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I
> > can
> > do is think of you?
> >
> > It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
> > start
> > over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?
> >
> > I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know,
> > otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
> >
> >
> > John