Just a little advice needed.

Amz

Not a parent but a concerned older sibling.

If you suspect a child is being bullied how do you go about getting all the information if they're embarrassed about the reasons for it?

My 12 year old brother is getting loads of hassel in school at the moment and I can see it's having a really negative affect on his behaviour at home and outside. His schoolwork is suffering and he's having a really hard time communicating.

He and I are really close but recently he's not been talking to me as much I understand that he's reaching puberty etc. and as such will be more reluctant to do so.

He mentioned the other night when I was out kicking ball with hm that he doesn't understand why he's such a loner and why he'll always be a loner, now I don't know much but i know that a 12 year old shouldn't be feeling a depressed as he is at the moment. He does have a few friends but I thnk with the whole stress being placed on them to have girlfriends or to be kissing girlies etc that he's feeling a little left out. I read a message on his phone from a girl in his class saying "at least now you're not a friget any more" which kinda shocked me (yeah I know I shouldn't be readng it and after the initial laughing at her bad spelling I got a bit annoyed)

All I've done so far is tried to reassure him that it'll be ok and that he's only 12 and that most of the people out kissing girls etc will be old news by the time he reaches my age as i've seen happen. Noone will want to go near them in 8 years time as they've no mystery about them really.

I dunno to be honest, just wondering what advice people could offer as to how I could deal with this.

I've spoken to my parents but they're just mainly concerned with his bad behaviour and increased violent outbursts towards us. He's a fantastic kid and I hate to see him falling into a depression or for his self confidence to wain as I know how shitty that can be when starting in secondary school.

dilemma

Sh1t, thats tough. I don't really know what you can do other than try and be there for him.

Hope everything works out.

Beruthiel

I've spoken to my parents but they're just mainly concerned with his bad behaviour and increased violent outbursts towards us


amz, he’s behaving like that towards your parents because of the bullying!
It’s ‘safe’ for him to take it out on ye and he has to let his frustrations out somewhere.
Don’t let this one slide amz, if you do I think it will cause him other problems in so many areas, 12 is a horrible age nowadays, not quite a kid not quite a teenager and feeling very vulnerable and alone at the moment, especially with that comment about being a loner (déjà vu for me + daughter btw)
Take him somewhere he likes where you can talk, it may sound a bit strange to say this, but take him to a pub during the day and buy him a coke – eg – if he likes rock music bring him to Bruxelles – it will make him feel grown up, he’ll relax and perhaps you can get him to open up a bit.
Talk to him like he is a grown up - explain to him what a bully is, a person of low self esteem who picks on someone else to make themselves feel better about who they are, (most likely a kid who has a bad home life in some way) explain to him that he should actually pity this person because your brother is obviously so much better then them as he doesn’t need to behave like this towards others. Find out what you can, is it only him being bullied, how many bullies, when does it happen, perhaps if you can find out you maybe able to work out the next approach afterwards, getting the teacher involved for example, if it’s someone in his school

it’s important to ask him if there is anything he would like you to do to help.
amz, even having a grown up talk like this with him will make him feel better about himself, also he is old enough for you to explain that because he feels bad he maybe unconsciously taking it out on others he loves without realising it.

Amz

Thanks Beruthiel, might do that at the weekend or summat.

My folks are going up to talk to his teacher at some point next week so they'll probably suss out the situation and/or deal with anything that arises.

Big Ears

well talking to a teacher probably will solve ur problem but if there is any other way to stop the bullying then use that. Im only a couple of years older than ur bro (im not actually a parent ) and i know having the bullying gone will be a big relieve but it could lower self esteem for a while. It could make him feel he cant sort out his own problems. Have his friends backed him up ? not by starting a fight but just being there. Bully's dont like to take on more than 1 person (mentally or phyiscally ). i belive bullying is just a form of ignorance.

Crash

i went through much the same thing your little bro is going through now...got terribly bullied and picked on from 6th class through to third year. I didnt talk to my parents at all at all at all (we dont talk. it makes my life easier ) and i guess things just evened out. I remember it used to piss me off no end when teachers got involved though cus it always made things that bit worse cus it looked like i'd gone and run crying (i've always had this thing bout not showing certain types of weakness). so all i would say is be very VERY careful bout how your parents get the school to handle it cus it can make things a lot harder on the kid.

Piliger

My comments would be these..
- Is he really being bullied or is his bad behaviour triggering others to respond badly to him... ? that may seem unhelpful but I suggest that that is something that needs to be nailed down for a start. Don't jump to solutions before you are completely sure you have teased out the real facts. Sometimes everything isn't as it seems.
- NOTHING beats talking. You must try to get him talking, whether to you or to his parents. have you spoken seriously about this them ?
- Could you speak to his principle ? - I did this for a nephew of mine and it worked out well.

ZENER

I'm glad things have changed this much since I was 12. I had a bad time at school too and it was because of this I tended to be loner. I'd spend a lot of time by myself somewhere I felt safe and could think it through.

I can recall being reluctant to talk to anyone other than a friend about it. Of course there are different types of bullying mainly physical (which is easily spotted - bruises, torn clothes etc.) and mental which sounds like what is happening to your sibling.

I empathise with him and can understand what he is feeling. The advice here in my experience is, in the main, sound.

The last thing I wanted was my parents giving me grief for not taking up for my self so I never told them plus I had a hard time with my stepdad. Teachers at that time weren't interested and besides ratting resulted in more grief. Thankfully there is a much harsher attitude towards bullies these days and teachers understand what is required to make it stop.

You as his older sister/brother are in a perfect situation to help. Being a not critical listener is what is needed and the neutral ground idea is good.

In recent times my son has had the same problems, he is 14 and overweight and some of the comments from kids that age can be very cruel indeed. Unfortunately the mental abuse he was suffering turned to physical abuse which was visible and therefore presentable to teachers etc. I made a point of collecting him from school for a few days but parked out of eyesight. I witnessed him being attacked and took action. What disturbed me most about the incident was the number of 5th and 6th year students standing arround encouraging it ! The teachers took action and he was put on a course of counselling to help him get back his confidence.

Sorry for rattling on a bit here but hopefully my experiences will help you decide what to do.

Tinky

seaghdhas

I started being an outsider in primary. Actual bullying only started in 6th class. But the same pricipal applies. There are people of any age who try to feel ok about themselves by making others visibly back down or shy away. It gives them a sense of affirmation and/or power. I saw this happen to me and others in through school, college and the workplace. From around the junior cert onwards, ppl my own age and older began to act properly towards me. But there were some younger than I was who I felt powerless against simply for their forwardness, cockiness. I'd let them go through my personal stuff for no better reason than I was used to it.

I said nothing to my parents for reasons other than those given by other ppl here. I actually doubt if either of my sisters might have helped. Basically, I found there is an answer in the individual. Maybe in a 12 year old? Can your brother be made to recognise this type of behaviour and write it off before it gets to him?

I didn't have someone to talk to. Your brother has. That could make the difference.

Amz

Thanks guys for all your advice

Bit of an update, things had started to improve there for a while, he seemed happier and the bullying/slggin/whatever seemed to have weigned slightly.

Today however my brother was brough home from school after getting into an argument with some of the kids who were bullying him. It's the day before their confirmation and so obviously tensions are a little high. They were giving him abuse over various things. He's up in his room now and is in bits. It's pissing me off coz he's taking it out on me and I'm pissed off at the teacher and principal for not doing anything to stop it. Part of me wants to go accross the road and string up the little idiot who's the main instigator and his overprotective bitch of a mother who thinks the sun shines out of her little twats arse! He's done nothing but cause trouble for my brother and I'm fed up with it. I know my brother's no angel but for christs sake I wont allow his life be made miserable by brats like that. I went though enough bullying and still do and I don't want him to have to deal with it.

Gah!

seaghdhas

Hitting back at bullies involves self-belief. Which is something that is best found in the comfort zone. Knowing someone will listen to you despite whatever happening is great. But to self-empower to avoid whatever happening in the first place takes a level of 'knowing it'll work'. If it cannot be seen to work by oneself, someone else will have to prove it works.

This will involve a stage of awkward self-conciousness but will end in diminishing the bullies' bullying.

Asok

Get me their names i'll pop up on the bus.

/me gets his shovel,bag of lime and bottle of ether and starts singing the theme music of dawsons creek.

Amz

Hehe thanks Asok

Beruthiel

lol asok
thats funny, but on the other hand, if he did arrive with six other guys, whats the betting the bullying would stop? little bastids!