Eircom announce new Hi-Speed Motor Vehicles

Serbian

From the Eircom.ie Press Release Section:

Eircom announce new Hi-Speed Motor Vehicles
17th January 2004

Eircom have announce a new 'Hi-Speed' motor vehicle. This venture is a suprising move for the communications company, taking an unprecendented step into the motoring market. Phil Greene, a senior sales executive at the firm, was available to comment on the announcement for the company.

"We plan to introduce our new Hi-Speed Vehicle within the next 4 - 6 years. We are aware of the fact that most of Europe have had access to a similar product for the past 4 years, but we are making good progress and the trials of the product have gone well so far", said Greene.

"The new 'Hi-Speed' motor vehicle should offer speeds of up to 30 times greater than the average car at home, and will revolutionise the way we will travel in the future. Sure there will be a 'Driving Allowance' of 40 miles per month, but this is to ensure that our Hi-Speed Motor Vehicle service is of the finest quality for all our customers. Who drives more than 40 miles a month anyway?".

However, journalists are skeptical. One senior writer for a national newspaper said, "This is nothing new. Mainland Europe and the UK have had access to such vehicles for quite some time now. By the time Eircom introduce this product, we will already be behind everyone else. We expect that vehicles should be at least 60 times faster if we are to stand a chance in the competitive market."

Personally I'm a bit sceptical about all this, but the following image that accompanied the press release more than convinced me.

rymus

I love it. I'm sure average drivers will only drive 15 to 20 miles per month anyway. I'm sure some smart independant operator will come out with a version that lets you drive as far as you want.. but at 2mph.

That picture is the icing on the cake

spongebob

Class :D .

wexfordman

Apparrently, word on the grapevine is that the overall "basket" price of this new hi speed motor vehicle is going to be cheaper than the rest of Europe too.

However €ircon have already received permission from the government to increase the proce of the wheels by 5 times within the first year of launch.

An €ircon spokesman has said that this is required to ensure they can jump on any potential competitors who threaten their monopoly.

They have also said they are looking into an alternative product for "Vuleranable Drivers" where the front wheels run faster than the Back Wheels.

Wexfordman

spongebob

€ircon and Comreg entered into a long series of discussions on the principles involed in the non discriminatory deployment of the Hi Speed technology within the overall 'basket' . Comreg appointed Professor Ripwave to chair a high powered committee on the appropriate wholesale pricing matrix for the technology within the overall basket of products and with regard to the maintenance of (inter alia)

Irelands competitive position in the Global economy
€ircons need to guoge a huge profit for its shareholders.
Global Technology Standards .
Cost .
Speed of deployment and ease of use.

One year later they reached a compromise satisfactory to all (and another 20% line rental increase thrown in) . The report was leaked to your truly , here it is.

Voilá

M

Ripwave

Originally posted by Muck
€ircon and Comreg entered into a long series of discussions on the principles involed in the non discriminatory deployment of the Hi Speed technology within the overall 'basket' . Comreg appointed Professor Ripwave to chair a high powered committee on the appropriate wholesale pricing matrix for the technology within the overall basket of products and with regard to the maintenance of (inter alia)

But Muck, you're the acknowledged expert on pulling made up statistics out of your arse! (At least McRedmond doesn't make up his own "statistics", he has flunkies to do that sort of thing for him).

(What's wrong, Muck? You can't actually argue your case with facts, so you've decided to play the man rather than the ball?)

spongebob

I Professor Muck, presented my exhaustive and well considered report within a month but €ircon said it was a 'non starter' (whatever that means) and Comreg went along with €ircon....as usual .

Voilá

Bastards still haven't coughed up my considerable expenses :mad:

M

yellum

See theres definitely a need for a Satire IOFFL Forum.

dahamsta

Prolly get more posts than the one under Politics anyway.

Capt'n Midnight

Ericom RW price cuts
Eircom have announced yet another price cut in their RW* transportation system. "This makes us one of the cheapest providers of transport in Europe" a spokesman announced "just over half the price of Swedish Saab37 system, which by they way is only available to customers who live near main roads with straight stretches of over 500m, where as Eircom RW is available in most areas."

Eircom RW terms & conditions
Only available in areas with wide pothole free, footpaths
Speeds of up to 10Kmph (6mph),
can carry passengers of up to 80Kg (12 stone)
ramp rental €24.5 per month not included
instructions on how to use rickshaw via our permium rate helpline.
Eircom RW (RickshaW) is a registered trademark.

Saab 37
Swedish consumer groups welcomed the arrival on the market of the Mach 2 capable Saab37 Viggen, though some have expressed concern at it's maximum payload of 6,000Kg and have vowed to continue to use the TGV service because of the amount of room in the baggage car.


Eircom "Hi-Speed" ISDN



Scale used 20Kmph=1Mb/s , 20Kg=1GB/month

yellum

More of this satirical stuff.

LoBo

classic bump

Tazzle

Die.