toilet

LegacyUser

Let me preface this by saying that I am a grown adult and yes this is serious.

Any time I have to go to the toilet for a dump, I spend about ten minutes cleaning myself afterwards. Not only is this embarrassing when someone else knows I am in there (what's taking him so long?!) but I often end up blocking the toilet. How, exactly, is one meant to get themselves clean in a few wipes? I saw a movie where a character was on the toilet, then just wiped themselves ONCE after finishing! Oh if only I could do that!

So is it common practice to wet the paper beforehand or something? Or do you wait a little while before wiping (I find this helps a little).

I dunno if it's a factor but I wipe standing up. NO TROLLS and serious replies only please.

I am particularly preoccupied about this because I will be going on a trip soon with my two best pals and I don't want them laughing at me in the toilet. Thanx.

Gordon

I just realised that after I validated this thread I read that you wipe standing up.

Are you... serious?

And have you tried sitting down while wiping?

anthonymcg

I've seen some strange threads on this site but this takes the biscuit. No pun intended.

Sleipnir

Stnading up!?!!? :eek:

I never thought I'd hear the like........

No wonder it takes 10 minutes!

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Gordon
I just realised that after I validated this thread I read that you wipe standing up.

you actually validated this thread Gordie!!

angelofdeath

bogblocker? c'mon this is the most obvious troll ever

KoNiT

and I don't want them laughing at me in the toilet

don't go to the toilet with them...:rolleyes:

rocco

you could always wear a nappy or something (definate troll)

RampagingBadger

Doesn't everyone wipe standing up?? I'm confused. Nobody ever told me I should sit down. If I were you bogblocker I'd use the brush at the side of the toilet. It can be a mite sore but boy oh boy will it clean that asshole of yours.

LegacyUser

Had to conceal my identity to post this, but I wipe standing up as well, what's wrong wih it?

LegacyUser

And I'm not trolling either.

LegacyUser

is it not commonplace to do the first wipe sitting down and then the rest standing? always made sense to me, you don't want any leftovers dropping in your shorts do you if you stand up straight away, but it's awkward to keep wiping still sat down.

personally one whilst sitting, then the rest standing.

assuming this wasn't a troll, which it most likely was!

Kold

Eat right. More fibre will make your crap more solid. Oh yeah, I think I'm right when I say most people lean towards the front of the seat and wipe whilst still sitting...

patch

My suggestion would be to wax your asshole every couple of days.
Then apply vaseline liberally just before the moment of release.....

ThreadKiller

As a serious reply. Wipe once or twice with paper, then use a baby wipe. You probably can't get any cleaner & will be cleaner than continually wiping with dry paper. Job Done.

Gavin

Install a biday ! Or however it's spelt. They're the business.

Or follow these simple steps.

1) Finish dump thoroughly. This means gritting your face up as much as you can and grunting until your face get's red and veins pop out.
2) Shake your arse a bit to remove any loose crap.
3) Stand up, flexing your buttocks so as they remain apart.
4) Take 2 pieces of toilet paper, folded over and briskly, in an upward motion, run the tissue over your arse.
5) Examine the tissue. If crap is of a tough nature jump go to 6. If it is of a watery nature jump to 7.
6) This will take a while. Take two sheets of paper at a time and rub your arse vigorously. Repeat until reasonably clean, inspecting toilet paper after all rubs.
7) Take 1 sheet and run it up your ass quickly. Repeat until clean.
8) Pull up trousers, take a bow, flush the toilet, open the windows, spray some smelly stuff, wash your hand, look for toilet paper on your shoes/ass. Look for crap on your shoes/ass/trousers. Once you pass all these checks, go straight to Go and collect 200 euro.

Gav

ps. Wetting the paper before hand can lead to a cleaner and easier wipe. However. It also leads to a rather unpleasant smell.

Lafortezza

And I thought I had problems...poor guy :dunno:

Sleipnir

In the words of Stephen Fry

"Only two sheets are required darlings, one to wipe & one to polish"

Peace

Dude, marcy flush would stop the ole bogbloackin problem.....bare it in mind. I fear you have had too mamny victims already.

Kali

I vote Verbs reply to be the most whimsical of the season.

Stark

Ask your daddy to teach you how.

angelofdeath

Originally posted by Kananga
In the words of Stephen Fry

"Only two sheets are required darlings, one to wipe & one to polish"

or in the words of rimmer (lol, no pun intended) one up, one down and one to polish

neoB

jebus you sound like my mate Steven. But he holds it in till he abosolutely has to go(nasty fella) hence the thick logs. :P
Flush after each one you drop and or wipe a bit flush it and wipe again. you need to be checking your diet O_o

kano476

i feel like im in more control when i stand up

galwaydude

this is the funniest thread i have seen in a long time lol
TAKE HIS advice and follow the steps, u cant go wrong mate and dont worry so much!!!!

LegacyUser

i have the same difficulties. i usually use about a third of a frickin roll every time i go for a plop. getting it so that the paper isnt even the slightest bit discoloured after a wipe (the acid test of whether its clean) is ****ing difficult

BrianD3

More fibre will make your crap more solid.

More fibre will make his sh!ts softer, bulkier and messier. The turds will break apart on the way out and will stick to his buns and asshole. Plus he probably has a hairy asscrack which will make matters even worse. If he eats less fibre his sh!ts will be harder and more knobbly and won't leave as much mess. But constipation is never a good thing from a health point of view so he'd be better off eating a decent amount of fibre and living with the messy sh1ts and trying to wipe as well as he can. Maybe he could have a look around and see if there are any books along the lines of arse wiping for dummies.

BrianD3

tinkerbell

OMG, this is the funniest and most gross thread ever!!

carbonkid

if your been for real about your problem to be honest i
dont think its a problem....no one notices how long you
spend in the toliet.

Walter Ego

Try covering your arse in duct tape and poke a hole in it with a biro. You should find the duct tape easy to wipe clean. Ok it will hurt like hell when you pull off the duct tape the first time, but over time you will pull out every little hair by the roots and eventually it won't hurt at all. Let me know how you get on.:p

angelofdeath

hehe, i see where preach gets it from:D

SantaHoe

Just don't use so much bog-roll, you don't need big fistfulls of it, try to use the same bit twice by folding the messed bit into itself if you know what I mean.
Try trimming your ass-hair... dunno if that'd be itchy though (anyone tried that?)
Also try to push it out in one big log instead of clenching up and breaking the turd, that can be messy.
Maybe your cleaning standards are too high though... I mean does anyone really wipe until there's not so much as a trace of brown? or do they stop once they're sure they won't create skid-marks?

Taking a shit is something people really should talk about more, there's so many unanswered questions.

BrianD3

I mean does anyone really wipe until there's not so much as a trace of brown?

Yes. The vast majority of women are meticulous ass wipers. They don't stop wiping until their asses are in pristine condition.

BrianD3

Kold

So what about when you wipe a bit too hard and there's blood on the paper...? But your ass is still dirty....

nlgbbbblth

www.poopreport.com

Cianan2

We (at school) had a conversation just like this. Out of nowhere,someone jumps up shouting "What??? How can you do that standing up??! It smears it in before you even wipe it!!!" Then they had everyones undivided attention,and we all compared how we wiped and it was pretty half+half.....quite sad,really.

P.S. Ive changed how i wipe since!!(you have to try after an argument like that!!)

Cianan2

Oops,wrong thread...Sorry!!!!

adel423

DISGUSTING! filthy animawl wif sh**y ass, take a portable hose pipe wif ya when u go away wif ur mates.

Snowman

recently had a poll on people's wiping methods.

Do you wipe back to front
or
Front to back?


mixed results

poopreport.com
brilliant site, lol

Heathen

bogblocker... you dont work in a factory in Waterford? do u?

theres somone in my job, and when there in the cubicle you can hear them ripping off about a full newspaper worth of jaxroll... and then if you try to use it after them it dead... full to the brim.. not for the faint hearted.. we were so pissed off with it in work we were gonna build a website for the laugh with pics of the damage each day ahhaha.. knackers in my job (of course my sh1t dont stink)


later
Macker

Lafortezza

I now know far too much about the toilet habits of Boards people. How do you live with yourselves? :eek: :dunno:

vibe666

Originally posted by Silent Death
Try covering your arse in duct tape and poke a hole in it with a biro.

quote of the week.

Originally posted by Macker Eire
....we were so pissed off with it in work we were gonna build a website for the laugh with pics of the damage each day ahhaha...

someone kinda beat you to it www dot ratemypoo dot com <- refuse to link it on the grounds of decency in case anyone clicked by accident. someone at work sent it to me in a disguised link. not nice, but kinda funny in a sick demented way. WARNING: This site contains pictures of poo!

p.s. please don't ban me.

seriuously though, if you're stuck then pampers baby wipes are the way to go. if they can clean up the mess on a baby they should be good enough for anyone. and maybe think about getting your crack waxed and polished.

sparkite

thinks its a laugh but anyhu im intrigued.i stand up! dont wet paper though.get one of those arse washer thingys that all the europeans have! wonders if this thread should have been validated! id never get away with it.are you being serious? not sure if this is the best or the worst thread ive read! hats off to you mate

[CrimsonGhost]

Originally posted by Kold
So what about when you wipe a bit too hard and there's blood on the paper...? But your ass is still dirty....

Kold, i think you have piles, take some preparation-h suppositries or cream.

NOTE: bleeding whilst wiping your ass is hella bad. Some blood comes out, some $hit goes in, and before you know it you are poisoning your blood stream.

sparkite

(keeps a close eye on this thread...is intrigued!) sitting down???

Töpher

Originally posted by sparkite
(keeps a close eye on this thread...is intrigued!) sitting down???

Spinning in circles? Singing the Macarena?!

sparkite

chances are the person who wrote this thread (not registered) will never come back and read our opinions.grrrrrrrrrr

Lafortezza

Originally posted by sparkite
chances are the person who wrote this thread (not registered) will never come back and read our opinions.grrrrrrrrrr

Unless you are that person and are just trying to throw everyone off the scent!!11 :ninja:

sparkite

Originally posted by lafortezza
Unless you are that person and are just trying to throw everyone off the scent!!11 :ninja:

i do admit i do take a crap in the same manner as this dude but i dont have the neverending sh!tty ass problem that he has.

dictatorcat

Standing up;)

Personally how clean is never a problem cos i use loads of loo roll, and trust me you need it after 8 pints of Guinness topped off with taco fries:D

Thought ye might find this interesting while we're at it!

http://www.the-big-****-list.com/

You'll have to fill in the stars your selves apparently!

sparkite

ah another stander.ye sitters are a lazy bunch