Bonsai Kittens (stupidity alert)

vibe666

not sure if it's quite the place for it, but i think this is going to turn out funny.

basically this stems around an email that has been doing the rounds for a few years and a website accociated with it.

the website is www.bonsaikitten.com and the idea is that kittens are given a powerful muscle relaxant and put into bottles and kept alive via tubes etc. to make interesting :rolleyes: asthetically pleasing pets.

Anyway, anyone with even an ounce on sense will see immediately that this is a hoax and that people shouldn't be fooled for even a minute if they think about it.

OK, so I got an email from someone who's mailing list i ended up on for some reason telling me if i didn't sign the petition i was sick. here's the email:

IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS THEN YOU ARE SICK! This is so terrible. A site that we were able to shut last year has returned. We have to try to shut it down again! (www.bonsaikitten.com) A Japanese man in New York breeds and sells kittens that are called BONSAI CATS. That would sound cute, if it weren't kittens that were put in to little bottles after being given a muscle relaxant and then locked up for the rest of their lives!! The cats are fed through a straw and have a small tube for their faces. The skeleton of the cat will take on the form of the bottle as the kitten grows. The cats never get the opportunity to move. They are used as original and exclusive souvenirs. These are the latest trends in New York, China, Indonesia and New Zealand. If you think you can handle it, view www.bonsaikitten.com and have a look at the methods being used to put these little kittens into bottles. This petition needs 500 names, so please put your one name on it!!! Copy the text into a new email and put your name on the bottom, then send it to everyone you know !

OK, so here was my response, and when people mail me back I'll post them here and see how funny it gets.

First off, if you didn't forward on this crap to anyone then well done for you. You aren't completely stupid.

However, if you did forward it then read on.


If you are receiving this then chances are you know (in some way or another) Gary Williams. Please feel free to email him and tell him what an idiot he is. You might want to think about possibly getting a different drinking buddy too, I doubt if he's safe to be around.

Anyway, back to the reason for this email.

How on earth could an intelligent human being even think for a second that putting a kitten into a bottle and keeping it there for its whole life would even be possible, never mind actually happen without every animal rights organisation jailing the guy for years?

Did any one of you even bother to look for the website? No I didn't think so, because the website isn't even there. It did used to be there, but it's a hoax.

Please reply to me because I'm really looking forward to finding out what sort of excuse you can come up with to justify this level of stupidity. I hope none of you hold any positions of authority or we're all doomed!

If you want to find out exactly how stupid and gullible you are then I suggest you follow the below links.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/16809.html
http://cruel.com/sub/bonsai.shtml
http://www.snopes2.com/inboxer/outrage/bonsai.htm#add

the next time you think about forwarding crap like this on to someone why don't you think about it first? Or even better have a check on Google and you'll find all the info you need to avoid being at the bottom of the evolutionary chain. If you want to find out what will happen to you if you choose to ignore this, then go here: www.darwinawards.com and discover your genetic fate.

I know I was harsh, but I got a load of these fecking things, and I've been pretty stressed lately, and this was a good oppotunity to vent. we'll see how it goes anyway. if it's not going to get any funny replies then I'll stop it and the whole thing will disappear eventually.

vibe666

we have a winner!

and it's (apparently) from the person who sent it to me.

I got 2 emails from the person just now. this is the first one

do you mean its not true? they dont really do that?

not exactly high comedy, but continuing the ignorance at any rate.

and then straight afterwards from the same person (Taken from the mail header 'From: gary williams <gary@xxxxxxx.co.uk>')

what do you mean? i dont understand you! what have i done? my names not gary. its sophie.

i'm really starting to think this was a troll, but they might just be american or something. :rolleyes:

I might have thought it was a troll initially, if it wasn't for the 100's of names on the petition and the amoount of email address blocks in the original mail where it had been repeatedly forwarded.

I'll keep you posted anyway.

raphaelS

Very good idea... I will do the same next time!

Raphael

Töpher

Haha! Very nice!

vibe666

it's just a shame that the website is down now. google has it cached if anyone's interested, here: http://www.google.ie/search?q=cache:7Q647qC6qq8J:www.bonsaikitten.com/+bonsai+kitten&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

madness.

maybe we could set up a forum for a similar large scale project to rid the world of stupid emails proliferated by these idiots.

a little addition from the cached site for those interested in starting their own bonsai kitten:rolleyes::

At Bonsai Kitten, we are happy to take care of all the little details and simply deliver to you a fully shaped kitten according to your specifications. However, for those who have applied for and received the appropriate Bonsai Kitticulture permits from the U.S. government, we are happy to provide details of the procedure to those who want to start from "scratch"! There are three main requirements that must be considered when making a Bonsai Kitten:

Air. This ought to go without saying, but you'd be surprised how many amateurs forget this detail and wind up with a cold, hard kitty in the morning! If the containment vessel is sealed, you must drill airholes prior to kitten insertion. A diamond drill is recommended for glass vessels.
Food & Water. Especially if the kitten's head is being shaped (one of the most versatile aspects of the Bonsai Kitten), it will not be able to eat or drink normally. The most common solution is another hole in the container with a feeding tube to the kitten's mouth, where a liquid food slurry can provide both nutrient and hydration requirements.
Waste Removal. Left to its own devices, the kitten would quickly fill its vessel with its own urine and feces, leading to certain sickness and death, not to mention the inevitably unpleasant appearance and odor. The best solution is to seal the kitten's anus with Super Glue prior to insertion, and then insert a waste tube through a third hole in the vessel. As the kitten's body is still developing, a natural rectal diverticulum will soon form around the tube, which can be drained in any convenient fashion. It's just like a kitty colostomy bag!

raphaelS

It doesn't seem to be offline for me...
Initial insertion, kitten was injected with 2mg equivalent dosage of Valium via Ketamine after 12 hr fasting regimen. Notice pre-drilled side hole for ventilation/feeding tube.

Raphael

vibe666

just checked and it seems to be back up again. more fun.

raphaelS

Few more bits... hilarous!

Cube Kitty

The subject of this piece will be a human baby.

Just kidding! The baby is present to demonstrate that due to the pre-formed holes in the computer shell, this product is especially suitable for infants, who are therefore able to pet the kitty's soft fur throughout the containment stage. Hope we didn't scare you! Shame on those pranksters who have e-mailed us suggesting we bonsai children; remember, the art of feline bonsai is for kittens only! In actual fact, the non-traditional aspect of this product is that it cannot be performed with just any kitty - it requires a specially bred high-birth-weight kitten, in order to fill the large interior of the cube.

Capt'n Midnight

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them..