speaking of Cork

Rock Climber · 11-02-2004 1:04pm #1

How Cork Are You?
Corkness, the pinnacle of human endeavour, has always been seen as an
unquantifiable quality. Conventional wisdom dictated that nobody could describe
it, but they knew it, and held it in awe, when they saw it.

But now, the PRC's re-education commitee, headed by Bin Murphy (aided by Commisar
Pudgee Redgee) has developed a series of tests, allowing us to measure the
Corkness of each and every existing and potential citizen. It is hoped that this
new 'feen scale' will help not only to weed out 'un-corkonian' elements in the
PRC, but also to discover spriritual Corkonians throughout the world and bring
them 'home', thus truly making a land of milk, honey and Murphys.

We urge all current and prospective citizens of the PRC to take this test, so the
consolidation of Corkness can commence without delay.

Keep it Cork,
People's Republic of Cork Re-education Committee.

Q1. What is the ideal start to the day for a Corkonian?
A) Two mile jog to refresh the senses, followed by a skinny decaf frapppacino and
a blueberry muffin, then drive the 200 yards to work in an unneccessarily
enormous Sports Utility Vehicle.

Stumble straight from bed into nasty little suit and then to work at the IFSC,
pausing only to snort a line of coke and make a sleazy comment about the new
receptionist's breasts. C)Fifteen minutes standing in the shower, desparately
trying to shake off a dense alcohol fug and curing God for making it so difficult
to smoke and wash yourself at the same time; followed by an enormous mug of
Barry's Tea and and a black pudding sandwich, which you finish just in time to
walk out the door and see the bus zooming past you.

Q2. What do you wear in bed?
A) Nothing.

Burberry print Pyjama bottoms you got in BT2.
C)Heineken promotional t-shirt you won off some ole doll in Reardens about eight
years ago; trackie bottoms with a particularly lurid stain on the groin area, Na
Piarsaigh socks in winter.

Q3.Have you ever kissed the Blarney
The Blarney position Stone?
A) "Hell yea! It was awesome!"

"No, but Roisin in accounts says
I have a gifted tongue! HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA!"
C)"Jeesus, not a hope biy! They
piss on that thing! Thats
digusting."

Q4. Watching Cork's recent demolition of Clare in the Munster Hurling Semi Final,
did you feel...
A) Somehow magically connected to your celtic roots.
B)That there was definitely marketing potential in this GAA thing, particularly
out in 'the country'.
C) Feckin' brilliant. The Rebels back on top where they belong, now they
showethose culchie upstarts who's boss round these parts.

Q5. Roy Keane is
A) "some soccer dude. Manchester, right? Soccer's great, my daughter and her
little buddies play it all the time."

"A Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer, whose outbursts have probably
cost him a fortune in potential product endorsements.'
C) "That's 'Dr. Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer' to you. Langer."

Q6. Have you ever had your
Daycent picture taken with Liam McCarthy
or Sam McGuire?
A) "No, but they sound like great
guys!"

"No, but I had a picture of me
with Twink in Lillies Bordello in
VIP magazine."
C) "Yes. In 1984, 1986, 1988,
1990...do you want me to keep
going?"

Q7. Who are the most influential group in pop music?
A) The Beach Boys, for their innovative use of harmony and instrumentation which
pretty much formed modern pop music as it is today.

Kraftwerk, for their use of electronics and the understanding that the
kinetics of a song are as important as melody, paving the way for electro and
techno.
C) Frank and Walters. Cos they're mad.

Q8. What would your ideal holiday destination be?
A) "Grand Canyon in a winnebago with the family."

"Well, Jonathon's been raving about the Maldives, but I prefer Thailand for the
fascinating culture, amazing flora and cheap sex. C)"You can't beat me cousin's
caravan in Garryvoe if you get the weather for it.

Q9. Which of the following
No more tapes to collect. items do you collect
obsessively?
A) Baseball cards.

Pictures of women's feet
you secretly take on the DART
every morning with your state
of the art mobile phone.
C) Henry's tapes.

Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
A) "Hell, why not!"

"It really depends on the earning potential."
C) "I would yeah!"

Thank you for your time. As the re-education commitee is considering strike
action (due to not paid enough to do all the correcting as well as setting the
questions) we'll let ye do the corrections yerselves. Let us know if anything
pops up:

Mostly A's:
You are American. We don't hold this against you as such, but your overly
positive attitude may not fit into our cheefully misanthropic utopia. Do not
despair however, as an intensive course of standing in the pissing rain watching
junior hurling, followed by lock-ins at the city's darkest, smokiest hostelries,
should soon knock the can-do out of you!

Mostly B's
:Oh dear, you're a problem case aren't you? I'm afraid there's no place for your
sort around here. Better off to stay in The Pale where you are now (although we
suspect you're not actually from there, are ya?) Still though, congratulations on
knowing an awful lot about Kraftwerk. Weirdo.

Mostly C's:
Dowtcha Boy! Born within the sound of Shandon bells, Corkness runs through you
like the eight pints of Beamish you consume most nights. The spirit of Frank O'
Connor, Christy Ring and Cha and Miah must have entered you before you were even
born.

If you already live in Cork, we urge you to find a similarly Corkified mate and
start building your own little army of John Pauls and Binas without delay. If you
do not live in the PRC, please contact us so we can arrange to have you
airllifted to your home by the Lee immediately.

dahamsta · 11-02-2004 1:25pm

Laugh!? I nearly did.

bdiddy · 11-02-2004 2:00pm

now i'm feckin scared,boy. i've just moved to Cork, like, but u c i'm from Mayo, boy. What am i gonna do like?

rymus · 12-02-2004 12:48pm

Originally posted by Rock Climber
Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
A) "Hell, why not!"
"It really depends on the earning potential."
C) "I would yeah!"

That one raised a smirk...