Kerryman Jokes

UnrealQueen

Apologies to kerry people reading this;)


How do you recognize a Kerryman on an oil rig?
He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who cheated CIE?
He bought a return ticket to Dublin and didn't go back.

A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London?
"Just a minute sir", said the girl on the desk.
"Thank you", said the Kerryman, and hung up.

Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library was burned down?
Both books were destroyed, and worse still, one hadn't even been coloured in.

A Kerryman who went to London was shown great kindness by a Pakistani bus conductor.
As he stepped off the bus, he said "Thank you very much sir, and I hope your head
gets better soon".

How do you make a Kerryman laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on Friday evening.

A Kerryman was attacked by a robber and put up a spirited fight before parting with
his purse which contained only 15c.
"You mean to tell me you put up all that struggle, all for 15c?"
"No," said the Kerryman, "I thought you were after the E50 i've hidden in my left
shoe".

What do you call a Kerryman on a bicycle?
A dope peddler.

A fellow was explaining to a Kerryman how nature sometimes compensates for a
person's deficiences.
"For example", he told him, "if a man is deaf, he may have keener sight, and if a
man is blind, he may have a very keen sense of smell".
"I think i see what you mean", said the Kerryman, "I've often noticed that if a man
has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

A Kerryman went to insure his car and paid E20 to have it insured against fire.
"For E10 more sir", said the agent, "you can insure it against theft also".
"That would be a waste of money", said the Kerryman, "who would want to steal a
burning car?"

Have you heard about the Kerryman who drove his new car over the cliff?
He wanted to test the air-brakes.

Two Kerrymen were passing by a nudist colony, so they decided to peep in over the
wall and see what was going on inside. So one Kerryman stood on the other's
shoulders.
"Are there men and women there?" asked the lower Kerryman.
"I can't tell", said the upper Kerryman, "they've got no clothes on".

Kerry workman to his workmate: "Don't come down that ladder, Mick. I've taken it
away".

A Kerryman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his
quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws
'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day.
So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong
with it.
"Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched
it on.
"What's that noise?" said the Kerryman.

A Kerryman wrote the following letter to the editor of a newspaper:
Dear Sir,
Last week I lost my gold pocket watch, so yesterday I put in an ad in your LOST AND FOUND columns. Last night I found the watch in the trousers of
my other suit. God bless your newspaper.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
The Kerry book of knowledge.

quank

lol
gotta love kerry man jokes :D

kmart6

ahhh the poror kerryman what did he ever do to you????

Healio

a bit of an old one but anyway:

why dont you get ice in your drinks in kerry?
because the manwith the recipe emigrated.

Drex

Two kerry men are lost in a big field. They come a cross a large wall. All they have is a flash light.

KerryMan 1: "How are we gonna get over that?"

KerryMan 2: "I got an idea! I'll shine the light up along the wall and you can walk on the beam of light!"

KerryMan 1: "Don't be so stupid, that'll never work."

KerryMan 2: "Why not?"

KerryMan 1: " Because I'll be half way up and You'll turn it off!"

daosulli

An Dublin girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress", she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."


A Dublin Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

Cable

Gota love 'em.... mainly cause I have to live in Kerry to go to college.

I am a small bit surprised why i didn't see a Kerrymans latest invention joke up there?

dictatorcat

Did you hear about the Kerryman who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What do you call a Kerryman under a wheelbarrow?
A mechanic

What do you call a Kerryman under a wheelbarrow with a cigarette in his mouth?
A welder

dabhoys

Tis all in good fun hope the kerry people don't hate this. Feel free to take the stabs at dublin.

Did ya hear about the kerryman who bought a bannana factory??? He threw out all the bent ones.

How do ya know your in Kerry??? There signs on the churches saying closed on sunday.

Kerryman inventions:

Inflatable Dartboard
Wheelchair with pedals
Waterproof Teabags
Underwater Hair Dryer
Submarine with a sunroof
Helicopter with an ejector seat

Kerryman is up in Dublin and calls into and electrical shop and asks the man behind the counter, 'how much for the TV?' the man replies, "we don't serve Kerry Man". So the Kerry man leaves and comes back a half hour later with a hat and glasses on and again asks, "how much for the tv?" and the man again replies "I'm sorry we don't serve kerry man" so the kerry man heads off and changes his clothes and puts on a wig and glasses totally changes his appearance. Again he ask "how much for the tv?" and again the man replies, " I'm sorry we don't serve kerry man!!" so the kerry man is heading out the door and turns back and ask the man, "how the fck did ya know I was a kerry man?" the men replies, "Cuz thats a fcking Microwave and not a tv!!!"

I'll think up a few more and post them up later.

Peace

Naessens

A kerryman is walking along the street when he come across a dog poo.

He stops and looks at it. "Looks like sh*t"

He smells it."Smells like sh*t".

He touches it."Feels like sh*t".

He puts he finger in his mouth. "Tastes like sh*t"

He walks past. "Good thing i didn't step in it":D

dh0661

Two Dublin city business men were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One of the men said to other, I bet that any minute now some thick culchie is going to walk by, look in and ask what we're going to be selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when! sure enough, a curious Kerry-man walks in, looks around and in broad Kerry accent says what are ye selling lads.
One of the men replied sarcastically --- we're selling ass holes.
ass holes? says the Kerry-man, scratching his head.
And left the store saying, your doing well, you've only 2 left.

lintdrummer

How do you confuse a Kerry man?

Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Mackman

emmettogara wrote: »

How do you confuse a Kerry man?

Stick him in a barrel and tell him to piss in the corner

A kerry man and a Kilkenny man are walking down a country road, The kilkenny man says "jaysus, isnt that a lovely view of the forrest?"
And the kerry man says, "Where? i cant see with all the trees in the way!"

:pac:

Skerries

Drex wrote: »

Two kerry men are lost in a big field. They come a cross a large wall. All they have is a flash light.

KerryMan 1: "How are we gonna get over that?"

KerryMan 2: "I got an idea! I'll shine the light up along the wall and you can walk on the beam of light!"

KerryMan 1: "Don't be so stupid, that'll never work."

KerryMan 2: "Why not?"

KerryMan 1: " Because I'll be half way up and You'll turn it off!"

“See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum…and one night, one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight…stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see…y’see, he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea…He says ‘Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!’ B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says… he says ‘What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!’”

And Batman, finally faced with the reality of his mirror image, starts to laugh, hysterical demented laughter that rivals that of the Joker.

ART6

Then there's the Kerryman who invented a parachute that opened on impact.

The two Kerrymen working on a building site were told to measure the height of a pole to see if it would reach where needed. Trouble was, they couldn't reach the top of it. A young woman came by and laid the pole on the ground and measured it. "Twenty five feet" she said. "That's no help" the Kerrymen said. "The boss wants to know its height not it's length".

*Oh good Lord!!*

s10

just in from RTE,
did u hear about the two seater plane that crashed into a kerry graveyard this morning?
so far they've uncovered 64 bodies .... digging continues... moron ,that later.