Problem Son

Nameless

I am afraid that my 18yr old son is involved with drugs. He has moved out of the house recently after a couple of incidents came to a head where cash was going missing. He admitted taking the money but came up with a plausible excuse. I wanted to believe him, but he stole more cash.
He is crashing with a foreign guy who I don't know and he has no money and he has only the clothes he is wearing. I don't know how he will earn any as he didn't do well in his leaving last year and is currently not attending his re-sits.
I am worried that he will get involved in something illegal and end up with a criminal record. If he does his future prospects are destroyed. He will not answer any phone calls from me or his mother.
I cannot discuss this with any friends without blackening his name so I must rely on the kindness of strangers. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks

Beruthiel

lordy
that's a tough one, I'm not sure what we can say to help you though
if he's gotten to the stage where he's stealing money from you, then I would have to say he must be hooked on something pretty strong, the fact that he is happy to live with just the clothes on his back suggests that too.

May I ask you how your relationship has been up to the point where he started doing this? were ye close or have you always had problems relating with him?

My daughter is 2 years younger than your son, I have always talked to her about the dangers of drugs such as heroin and cocaine, if at some stage in the future she was to go down that road anyway I think I would just ask her straight out what was going on, can you talk to him at all? would he admit to having a problem and could he be talked into trying rehab?

First off, you need help dealing with this

try some of these links till you find what you're looking for:

http://www.dap.ie/dap_prof/index_dap_prof.htm

http://www.dap.ie/dap_youth/find_local_help_drug.htm

info on drugs

http://www.mqi.ie/D_Exp.htm

this site also looks helpful

http://kildare.ie/advice/eastern-health-board/DrugsAwareness/drugfact/drugfact.htm

I just googled them, so donno if they are any help
I know the golden pages have some organisations at the front of the book
get the advise of a professional as to what your next step is:

these people might also be of some help:

info@drugawareness.ie

if all else fails, try The Samaritans are a well trained group of volunteers available to talk to you about any problems or life grievances you wish to talk about. www.samaritans.org or email jo@samaritans.org to get trained samaritan help via email. Alternatively dial 1850-609090 to speak in privacy and confidentiality

they will at least steer you in the right direction and I imagine you could do with a ear right now, don't be afraid to use them, they are lovely people and you'll be glad you called

good luck
anna

Nameless

The relationship was quite good up to now. But I am not sure how much of it in recent times has been for show. He's a damn good liar. He doesn't admit to taking anything. so I suppose any notion of rehab or help is limited without acceptance of a problem.
He doesn't have a part-time job but his social life seems to exceed the money we give him. I am afraid that he is dealing small time. We live in a small town and his name will be mud before long and he will be un-employable.

Thanks for your help and concern it is appreciated.

Typedef

Thing is.

'He' has to want to stop. It doesn't matter that 'you' want him to stop, people live their lives for themselves... 'always'.

Perhaps load him up with acid and chuck him into the middle of town.

A bad acid trip will either send him psychotic or discourage him from doing drugs.

See, he enjoys getting stoned, you have to find a way to make that experinece 'extremely' unenjoyable, so that he 'wants' to quit, after that you're job is done, but, basically until he wants to stop, you'll have 'no' success in averting him from what he wants to do, be that drugs, picking his nose, or whatever.


Alternatively you need to send him somewhere remote (where he can't get drugs or drink), get him doing something active and get him to enjoy not being stoned, get him to realise that if he gets stoned his new hobby(x) is something that he won't be able to do anymore.

To be honest, if he's dealing to support a habit, you have to take immediate and drastic action. I would honestly recommend sending him to something like military school, or off to work in Donegal for 6 months, up a mountain, 10 miles away from a pub, with no young people to contact and nothing to do but, say... go swimming and work, cutting turf or something.

Basically junkies don't just stop in a 3 week period, because their mother or father asks them to.... and that is what people who aren't involved in drug culture don't understand.

Probably all of your boys friends smoke dope/drop E. You'd have to completely remove him from that environment and put him in a place where he can't get drugs ( or supplement them with drink), before a period of non-intoxication .... might.... just might lead him to want to stay un-intoxicated.... and that... is about all you can hope for.

Kali

It might not be drugs at all.. but just a rebellious break for freedom, he obviously owed people money if he had to resort ot nicking it, but don't jump directly at the hard-drug excuse (unless you've more proof).. does he smoke? drink? hang around with complete and utter scumbags? there are lots of warning signs besides cash going missing.

The thing thats lacking here is any sort of stability, routine and need for maturity (has he a girlfriend?).. perhaps try and see if you can sort out a part-time job (nothing embarassing, as theres obviously a lack of maturity here and it won't last).. but something in which some sort of responsibility can be gradually built up.. talk to him about it, if he doesn't want to do his LC re-sits then see what he does want to do (try and get an apprenticeship? any particular courses?).. try and get it through to him without being confrontational (be calm and just use simple points and logic) that he'll soon have to be taking responsibility for himself (which he may think he's doing at present.. but it won't last)... just try and get him seeing things from your point of view... its hard and will take time, but its the only way.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Nameless
The relationship was quite good up to now. But I am not sure how much of it in recent times has been for show. He's a damn good liar

all normal behaviour under these circumstances

He doesn't admit to taking anything. so I suppose any notion of rehab or help is limited without acceptance of a problem

talk to the people who know and see if there is a way around getting him to admit this
have you gotten him into a room on his own and asked him, if you're not on drugs why are you living like this?

He doesn't have a part-time job but his social life seems to exceed the money we give him. I am afraid that he is dealing small time. We live in a small town and his name will be mud before long and he will be un-employable

yup, small town gossip works faster than the speed of light

I also come from a small town, I know 4 people my age who have never grown past the age of 20 because of their drug use, they have amounted to nothing, live off the dole and small jobs, sell drugs to others etc, your son will most likely go the same way if you don’t intervene. I'm sorry if that sound harsh.
this may amount to nothing of course, but if you at least try then you have done your bit. No use sweeping something like this under the carpet, it won’t go away any time soon. Do your research, get to know everything you can about habits, behaviour and how you can best help now. Don’t give up until you have exhausted all avenues.

Beruthiel

You know, typedefs advice may sound drastic, but it’s damn good advice as a last resort!

Mighty_Mouse

Thats a tough one allright.

Problem is he is 18 so theres not much you can do! . You can only appeal to his common sense.

Get some information on drugs (brochures, booklets etc ) and leave them in his room, schoolbag. etc .

Im pressuming if you confront him , he'll throw a hissy fit like most 18 yr olds. You just need to talk camly to him. Inform him of the dangers etc etc As long as hes educated he wont go too far wrong!

You need to get him to the point where he is fully educated about drug use. Its ignorance of the dangers which often lead ppl to harder drugs such as heroin, cocaine, and even e

Remember though. Most ppl his age have smoked cannabis and a lesser number have probably tried acid, ectasy etc

The vast vast majority of ppl dont touch anything harder than cannabis (more than a couple of times if at all).

I would just say that you need to form a relationship with your son. If anything else he needs to understand that you are acting in his best interest.

Educate him, support him etc etc

they other option is tough love!! Im not sure how effective this is though love . Is his dad around. Probably need a man for that type action. ie physically throw him in the back of the car. keep him in the house. make him work around the place. take no ****e etc etc

Auburn

I wouldn't be so sure that he's doing drugs. Maybe it's just a rebellious phase.

My brother went through something similar and my parents were quick to accuse him of doing drugs, but he wasn't. Not having a job and not attending school lead to him being a bit depressed as he felt that he had no future. It was a lot to do with the crowd he was hanging around with at the time. They had all done the same thing and were heading nowhere quickly. At that age, copying his friends was important to him :rolleyes: He did steal money too, to go drinking or whatever the crowd was doing. And he often threatened to move out.

What I'm trying to say is that this behaviour isn't unusual among teenagers and don't automatically assume that it is drugs. There are lots of other explanations. We got my brother into an apprenticeship and that has really matured him. He now has his own income and feels that he's doing something worthwhile with his life. You wouldn't recognise him as the same person. However, it took a while to get him to that stage and it did cause lots of heartache.

Just give your son some time. Talk to him as much as you can and be supportive. He will realise his mistakes eventually. But he'll have to make that decision for himself.

DeVore

Take him on a holiday. Yup...

Firstly you need to spend time with him, you are his father and no matter what he says or how much he makes out that he couldnt care less about you, theres noone else in the world he can say that about.

Secondly you have to realise that your "little boy" is in the process of becoming a fully grown man. My father and I had to have a massive row before we could realise that we didnt actually know each other at all. When I got to know him I was utterly amazed that I'd been in the same house for 20 years with this man. I didnt know him from Adam. He got a similar surprise because I had grown up so fast in his eyes.
Talk to him, not AT him. Tell him honestly that you are worried about him and *why* you are concerned.... do this AFTER you have spent time talking to him about who you are and who he is. (Example: I never knew my father grew up on a farm.... he had never mentioned it!)

Thirdly, you cant get the junk out of the junkie. If he really is hooked, he's not just going to stop until his surrounding RADICALLY change. The lure of drugs is too seductive when you aren sitting around in your usual drug taking environment, bored out of your mind. If he's a junkie you need to change/break that cycle. Trust me on this one.

Fourthly, make it something he's into or would like to try. What interests does he have? Any hobbies, sports (even if thats just being a soccer supporter).... would he go to see Man U play with you for a weekend even? That sort of thing. This has several benefits: you entice him to come with you, you spend time unavoidably in each others company, you get him away from his usual surroundings, you show an interest in what *he's* interested in etc...

Fifthly go out on a night out with him, have a few drinks. Treat him like an adult (he is one, just not dealing with it very well).... believe it or not, while most men think that the best thing about having a son is kicking footie with them when they are 12... actually I have found that being my fathers friend throughout my late 20s and early 30's has been better. Most son's let their fathers pass away before they realise they didnt say half the things to them they really wanted to.

Sixthly he's your son. He's worth fighting for. I work with a group in the flats, I raise cash because I'm not really the type of person who can do the dirty work. The guy who is in the thick of the dirty work is an ex-heroin junkie with time in the 'Joy on his record. He's quite an amazing bloke, hit rock bottom and decided he didnt want to be there any more. Now he's training as a social worker and he's helping others.
Noone is lost and clearly your son isnt. Its not easy but nothing worth doing is!

So, take that from a single bloke with no kids for what its worth. I hope you sort it out.

DeV.

Nameless

Update on situation.

I took a mixture of the advice you guys gave.
I got his mother to invite him up for Sunday dinner then I ambushed him. I said I didn't care whether or not he was 18, he was still my son, I told him I wasn't going to let him waste his life and the last 19 years of mine and his mother's just because he wanted to be an asshole. I offered to break every bone in his body with a baseball bat if he tried to leave the house. ( I know, I know). He declined this offer and has not been out with his old gang since. I told him if I found him within 100yds of the East European guy that I would nail the fúcker to his own front door. Over the top I know but I will not give up my son without a fight. We hadf a long heart to heart and discussed everything. It seems that he was not into the drugs but was on the periphery. He is going to school everyday and he seems at peace. Its like a great weight has been lifted from all of us. There are still minor issues to be sorted out but he is safe and that's all that matters.

Thanks again for all your help I really needed it.

I will now return to my normal alter ego and surf the boards in comfort.

Beruthiel

there would still be no harm and taking him away for a holiday as Dev suggested, this way ye can relax around each other and perhaps have some chats, get to know him better and what he wants out of life, etc..
Don't just leave it at that and think everything will be fine, people can slide back, make sure you continue to chat (without the baseball comments, if you know what I mean)
good luck and glad to hear thinks are ok
anna

Nameless

The plan is to got down to France for a couple of weeks after his exams, In the meantime we are trying to keep him involved in family activities. I've hung up my bat. I would much rather have compliance, for want of a better word, come from respect and caring rather than fear anyway I don't think I could ever hurt him.

red vex

i cant help but get the feeling that this isnt the end of the problem but i think its very important not to push him away. he needs to know that he is always welcome in your home.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Nameless
I've hung up my bat. I would much rather have compliance, for want of a better word, come from respect and caring rather than fear anyway I don't think I could ever hurt him.

fear of your parents never works anyway, it never did with me and my parents were dead handy with the stick, all it results in is you getting really good at them not finding out.
I truly believe that talking to, (as opposed to talking at) and treating you kid like an adult is the only way to go, it's worked so far with my kid (fingers crossed)

if he is doing french in school and if you don't have any, encourage him to learn enough to get ye through the holiday.

Gordon

This is prolly better here tbh

tuxy

Originally posted by Typedef
Thing is.
Perhaps load him up with acid and chuck him into the middle of town.

Originally posted by Beruthiel
You know, typedefs advice may sound drastic, but it’s damn good advice as a last resort!

i dont think the mod of the PI forums should be recomending this kind of action
it is after all very dangerous

Spacedog

I suggest that you start taking drugs and giving money and drugs to all his stoner mates, then moving in and partying with them. Your son will be so emabrassed by you that he'll become a born again christian just to spite his new stoner dad!

Seriously though, no need for anything too drastic, I say let him smoke a few joints in the house if that's all you mean by drugs, let have his stoner friends over, let them get monged and watch telly till 7am in the morning and empty your presses of anything resembling a crisp. at least that way you'll to be there if anything happened to him, and you'll have the oppertunity to develop a little more trust between the both of you.

Drugs aren't all bad, your not even sure if he's taking them or to what he's taking. If he's smoking the odd joint, his life isn't over, no need punping him full of LSD and freaking him out or sending to the Betty Ford just yet.

Executive Steve

@ tuxx and boards people in general... comfy as it might be, having a stick up your backside is bad for your mental moral and physical health. :thumbsup:

tuxy

u know what a joke is right?
i know i didnt use smileys so it was probably a bit difficult for you to figure out it wasnt a serious post

foxinsocks

ok you guys, you arent being helpful here, if you cant post something useful, dont bother posting...


Nameless: Glad to hear you have resolved a lot of your issues. In future, perhaps you could talk to a GP, if you have a GP that you trust. GPs are at least bound by confidentiality whereas your friends will not be. Here are a couple more links you could perhaps check out

http://www.drugsinfo.ie/

http://www.hrb.ie

Fox_in_Socks

catspring

Originally posted by Typedef
I would honestly recommend sending him to something like military school, or off to work in Donegal for 6 months, up a mountain, 10 miles away from a pub,

i don't think anywhere up here in donegal is as far as 10 miles away from a pub


seriously though, i think if you could get in touch with you son and let him know that you are worried about him because if he is dealing drugs he could go to jail/ if he's doing serious drugs he could wind up very ill (hate to say it but maybe dead).
let him know that you want him to come home regardless of how he has treated you. maybe he just feels so bad about stealing that he can't face you, i know you said he stole more than but maybe ha felt he REALLY NEEDED to for whatever reasons he had.
if i were you i would try to get him to tell you how he feels and let him know that you are just listening as a friend rather than as a parent who will punish him.
find out what is wrong first and take the necessary action, then deal out the punishments later if needs be.
have no idea if this will help, but am only a year older than your son so this might be close to how he would think...