Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Long, but worth it

  • 03-03-2004 1:06pm
    #1
    malico
    Closed Accounts Posts: 607 ✭✭✭


    > Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
    > Here's what happened:
    >
    >
    > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
    > through the pet syndrome
    > including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish,
    > the story below will have
    > you laughing out LOUD!
    >
    >
    > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
    > me there was "something
    > wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds
    > prisoner in his room. "He's
    > just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
    > serious, Dad. Can you
    > help?"
    >
    > I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face
    > and followed him into his
    > bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying
    > on his back, looking
    > stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I
    > called, "come look at
    > the hamster!"
    >
    > "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
    > "She's having babies."
    >
    > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
    > and Ernie, Mom!"
    >
    > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
    > thought we said we didn't
    > want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
    >
    > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
    > their cage?" she inquired.
    > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
    >
    > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
    > reminded her, (in my most
    > loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
    > together).
    >
    > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
    >
    > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
    > you know," she informed
    > me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
    >
    > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
    > what was going on. I
    > shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids,
    > this is going to be a
    > wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to
    > witness the miracle of
    > birth."
    >
    > "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
    >
    > "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to
    > do with a litter of tiny
    > little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
    > really do think she was
    > being snotty here, too. don't you?)
    >
    > We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
    > what looked like a tiny
    > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
    > later. "We don't appear
    > to be making much progress," I noted.
    >
    > "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
    >
    > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
    >
    > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
    > the foot when it next
    > appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
    > I tried several more
    > times with the same results.
    >
    > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
    > know. "Maybe they could
    > talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
    > with the females in my
    > house?)
    >
    > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
    >
    > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
    > his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
    > breathe," he urged.
    >
    > "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted
    > to him. (Women can be
    > so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to
    > me is one thing, but
    > this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
    >
    > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
    > peered at the little
    > animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you
    > think, Doc, a c-section?" I
    > suggested scientifically.
    >
    > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
    > Cameron, may I speak to
    > you privately for a moment?"
    >
    > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
    >
    > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
    >
    > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster
    > is not in labor. In
    > fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a
    > boy. You see, Ernie is a
    > young male. And occasionally, as they come into
    > maturity, like most male
    > species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way
    > he did, lying on his
    > back."
    >
    > He blushed, glancing at my wife.
    >
    > "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."
    >
    > We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my

    > wife offered.
    >
    > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
    > understood.
    >
    > More silence.
    >
    > my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
    > giggle. And then even laugh
    > loudly.
    >
    > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
    > believing that the woman I
    > married would commit the upcoming affront to my
    > flawless manliness.
    >
    > Tears were now running down her face.
    >
    > "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
    > its.. its...teeny
    > little...." she gasped for more air to bellow in
    > laughter once more.
    >
    > "That's enough," I warned.
    >
    > We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
    > the hamsters and our son
    > back into the car. He was glad everything was going
    > to be okay.
    >
    > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
    > done, Dad," he told me.
    >
    > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
    > with laughter.
    >
    > 2 - Hamsters - $10...
    >
    > 1 - Cage - $20...
    >
    > Trip to the Vet - $30...
    >
    > Memory of your hubby pulling on a hamster's
    > wacker........
    >
    > Priceless


Comments

Advertisement