british newspapers!

lukeUCD

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large

gas
bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used
up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily

Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was

sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind

had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have

made to their passengers :

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your

service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to

be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to

the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from
E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you

know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.">


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here

for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker

Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like

that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage

these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it

to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on

then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going

home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate

instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means

that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck

in
the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door

before
I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

Adapta Traductions
52, rue de Montbrillant
CH-1202 Genève, Switzerland

Mr E

... and here is the same joke thats in a format that is actually legible! :rolleyes::D

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers :

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

Oriel

Thanks TmB.

MarkR

Wish i'd spotted the second post before I read the first.

Drex

and here is the same joke thats in a format that is actually legible!

now, that's just mean

good jokes btw.

Crash

Originally posted by MarkR
Wish i'd spotted the second post before I read the first.

...Ditto.

Len_007

cool

quank

haha
and i concentrated so hard on reading the first post :rolleyes:

The_Goose

Liked the first one better!!!:D

UnrealQueen

Originally posted by TmB
[B
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
[/B]

Luv this one !

bdiddy

WELL, i felt like an ejit when i saw the 2nd post, funny tho.