tallaght news flash!

lukeUCD · 10-03-2004 2:45pm #1

NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Tallaght in
the early hours of this morning .
Epicentre: The Square Shopping Centre.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "...bleedin story?","
aaaaawrigh' bud" and "fUUUc*sake". The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately 30 euro worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Crete and Santa Ponza were
damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
The Tallaght News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had
not been caused by illegal means.
One resident - Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Ih was
such a f*ckin' shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin' into me
bedruem cryin'. Me youngisst two: Tyler-Morgan n Megan-Brooklyn slept tru ih
all. Buh I was still shakin' when I was watchin' f*ckin'Rikki Lake leh-er in
the f*ckin' mornin" Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental
crime did carry on as usual. The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship
4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, frozen pizza and John Player Blue to
the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include welfare books,jewellery
including thousands of sovereign rings, many large medallions and Hash leaf
ear rings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine Bone China from Tommy's
Wonderland of Value.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
* Fila or Kappa baseball caps,
* Hoodies (any type)
* Tommy Hilfiger tracksuits (his and hers)
* Nike/Adidas Shell suits (female)
* White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in TK
Maxx.
* Anything from Magic or Unique Boutique.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, as refrigeration may be a problem,
but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
* McCains oven chips
* Heinz baked beans
* Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
* Coke/Fanta
* Strongbow Cider
* Smirnoff Ice.
* John Player Blue 15's. (unmarried mother handy pack)
And remember that your contribution counts!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and bookie slips.
Just EUR5.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
Only EUR6.00 will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those
affected.
Note: Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of such plush
accommodation is unfair on the population of the local halting sites.

MrJoeSoap · 10-03-2004 2:49pm

OMG that is brilliant!

Several priceless collections of mementos from Crete and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Genius.

UnrealQueen · 10-03-2004 2:51pm

Very good:)

quarryman · 10-03-2004 2:58pm

did you make this up yourself?

dudara · 10-03-2004 3:07pm

no, I've seen this before. Still brings a smile though

Cable · 10-03-2004 4:41pm

It was funny... but I couldnt find the strenght to laugh

Healio · 10-03-2004 9:06pm

The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately 30 euro worth of damage.
still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had
not been caused by illegal means.
john player blue 15's (unmarried mother handy pack)
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

F*ckin Hilarious. Nearly choked on my dinner!!!