Thoughts ???

LegacyUser

Before you start reading, you should know - I started writing this to ask for opinions but as I was writing it helped organise my own thoughts so it kind of just meanders along. Some comments would be nice. I am a member of boards but I would rather post this as a guest .......



I’ve known since early puberty that I’m not attracted exclusively to the opposite sex. I think I’m a bit confused. Take the last five people I’ve been with - two guys and three girls. That’s not so bad in itself but it is starting to bother me that life is passing by and I’m no closer to finding myself.

You see, it wasn’t an issue for me 10 years ago because I said to myself “You don’t need a label, they can’t pigeonhole you!” But as time has gone by I’m starting to question that.

Round where I live is quite rural and a lot of people’s opinions aren’t as PC as they could be. The people I hang out with regularly are straight. The general consensus among them about gay men seems to be “They’re grand so long as they don’t come near me”, however mention the word lesbian and eyes light up and writhing naked women are the hot topic of conversation. Go figure.

So it presents something of a quandary then that I’m attracted to a friend who has never given any indication of being ‘that way’ inclined. I’m not sure what to do. I was in a similar situation several years ago when I was attracted to a close friend, a guy I had known for about four years. We were quite close and I knew I wanted more than just friendship. I agonised over what to say, when, how etc. for the best part of a year. I didn’t know how he would react, I was afraid of losing him. Eventually I decided that I had to tell him, if I didn’t it would bother me and I would always think “well what if I had told him” so in the end I just blurted it out, conversation went something like “I like you” - “Yeah man, I like you too” - “No, I mean I really like you” - “Oh” Considering all the thought and planning that went in I was a bit disappointed with the way I tried to express my feelings. Needless to say he was surprised, but I don’t think too shocked, he told me he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. We gradually drifted apart from then, but he didn’t publicise my proposition for which I was grateful. I was hurt enough without being gossiped about also.

After that I was a bit depressed for a while and decided I would try to be ‘normal’ - I met a really lovely girl and found myself in a long-term relationship. I was as happy as I’d ever been and everything was really great. Two-and-a-half years on we split up semi-amicably, we both wanted different things, her parents never really liked me anyway, and we were both young enough to try living for a while. While I was in that relationship, I didn’t feel that I needed anything or anyone else. But not too long after splitting up I met a guy in college who I could really talk to, being truthful about my real feelings, a luxury not before experienced to that extent. That helped.

During my time in college, I was also quite close to a female housemate, we were good friends and really got on. Over the course of a year we had shared a lot, including several nights of passion. So it came as a surprise when she told me she didn’t want us to be a couple. She also said she didn’t want to share a house with me the following year in college. But we could still be friends. Yeah. That year I genuinely made an effort but she always had an excuse. So that one fell by the wayside too.

So back to the present then, and this guy I’m attracted to. Relationships don’t seem to be my thing, I’m havin’ a laugh, happy to be part of the group at the moment, I don’t want to jeopardize that. I like him but it’s not worth all that. It’s a bit close to home too.

I’m back living near home again, college over, settling into a routine. Routine - this can’t be all there is. I need to do something, I need to really find who I am. I can’t do that from here. It’s too dangerous, too much to lose. Some people say “Be who you are and if people don’t like it that’s their problem” but I don’t believe in that, especially when it’s not just me and my friends I’m worried about. I know some of my friends are likely bigots and homophobes but they are still good genuine lads. That’s just how they feel. I’m ok with that so things are probably better off staying as they are here. My gay experiences have mostly happened away from home. So how do I find myself? I guess I’ve got to move away but where? And to do what?

swiss

I think I’m a bit confused.

I think you're being a little hard on yourself. You recognise that you're not attracted exclusively to girls, but this implies that you are still attracted to them. You seem to recognise this, and this seems to be bourne out somewhat by the fact that 3 out of the last 5 relationships have been with girls. Not surprising of course, considering that there are a lot of heterosexual women out there as opposed to homosexual/bisexual men.

Also, you say that you're starting to question whether people, whether advertently or not, are pidgeonholing you into a stereotype. My own view is that people tend to live the stereotypes that other peole create for them. If you live in a society that says "oh gay people are this" or "straight people act in this manner" then without knowing any better you could inadvertently start to follow this trend. Don't. Stereotypes are born out of typical behaviour patterns of particular groups, but are by no means accurate for individuals. To this extent I don't believe anyone could pidgeonhole you into a stereotype. You can easily do it to yourself though.

It is hard to show signs of "gayness" in a rural environment. I should know, I've lived in the country pretty much my whole life. I've heard the whole "gayness is disgusting" routine from so many when growing up. When it is said often enough people believe it, but what is learned can be unlearned, and I also believe that some people who may be the most vociferiously anti-gay are those who deny their own sexuality to themselves. These "lesbians are hot but down with the gays" conversations is just bravado. Like discussions about penis size and sex lives, I would take it with a very liberal pinch of salt.

I'm not going to even pretend that you have an easy choice with your friend and letting him know that you like him. There are just a few points I would like to make concerning this.

1. If you tell him and he doesn't react well, then how much would that friendship really be worth, if it was based on a false premise (that you are exclusively attracted to women)? Would you be comfortable carrying on with your existing arrangement, with him ignorant as to your feelings about him?

2. If you don't tell him, would you feel that you would regret not doing so? Would it be better to tell him and face the potential consequences or leave it in-limbo indefinitely?

I have to say though that if there has never been an indication that he is gay or bisexual, then he probably isn't. You could always get him drunk and ask him when he won't remember in the morning, but that might be a bit of a cop out .

Alternatively, you could see how he feels about gay people in general. Maybe you could mention something topical, such as the gay kiss in coronation street, or the gay marraige debate in the states. If he is vehemently anti-gay then even if he did harbour homoseuxal tendencies, it's highly unlikely that he would be receptive to your advances.

Rock Climber

Swiss has given you some good pointers.
Like a lot of bi-sexuals,I've gone through a lot of what you are saying there.

One basic rule don't torture yourself ...
If you like the guy, do what swiss says and do a little investigative homework, that may or may not end up having a heart to heart with the guy, once you know that he is ok with the Gay thing.

If you think he will react badly from the vibes you get, walk away.
My own experience but maybe a different one for everybody I don't know, is that once you let your feelings/attraction for someone go beyond a certain stage, your head will get wrecked.
The only cure at that stage is to pull away alltogether from the guy.

On the other hand you could find he's straight but gay friendly, so you are straight away into the realm of unrequited love, which is just as painfull as you already know.
Indeed I think its worse probably as you would be in love with a guy and have very few people you could talk to about it, whereas in the "straight" world you can express your sadness or feelings about a girl pretty much to anyone.
I wish you well !

It's always good to hear back how you get on so do come back

LegacyUser

Originally posted by swiss
what is learned can be unlearned, and I also believe that some people who may be the most vociferiously anti-gay are those who deny their own sexuality to themselves. These "lesbians are hot but down with the gays" conversations is just bravado. Like discussions about penis size and sex lives, I would take it with a very liberal pinch of salt.

Yeah, I'm aware of that but I don't think I can dismiss their dislike of homosexual men that easily

1. If you tell him and he doesn't react well, then how much would that friendship really be worth, if it was based on a false premise (that you are exclusively attracted to women)? Would you be comfortable carrying on with your existing arrangement, with him ignorant as to your feelings about him?

The situation would be a whole lot simpler if it was the two of us (preferably on a deserted pacific island) but unfortunately it's not. There's my family and friends and his family and friends (groups which have common members)
Of course I would rather he knew my true feelings for him but I can't risk it all again.
I prefer being just friends with him to the thought of losing him altogether.

2. If you don't tell him, would you feel that you would regret not doing so? Would it be better to tell him and face the potential consequences or leave it in-limbo indefinitely?

Yes you regret it, and the more you think about it the more you regret it. been there, done that, didn't work out favourably - I can't face it again, at least not now, not here

You could always get him drunk and ask him when he won't remember in the morning, but that might be a bit of a cop out .

I would love to but the last time we were drunk together we ended up watching straight porn at his suggestion! Although we have had several drunken 'encounters' .....

Originally posted by Rock Climber
If you think he will react badly from the vibes you get, walk away.
My own experience but maybe a different one for everybody I don't know, is that once you let your feelings/attraction for someone go beyond a certain stage, your head will get wrecked.
The only cure at that stage is to pull away all together from the guy.

My heads already wrecked! (why do you think I'm posting here??) But I can't walk away.........

On the other hand you could find he's straight but gay friendly, so you are straight away into the realm of unrequited love, which is just as painfull as you already know.
Indeed I think its worse probably as you would be in love with a guy and have very few people you could talk to about it, whereas in the "straight" world you can express your sadness or feelings about a girl pretty much to anyone.

Ah, the unrequited love, such a tearjerker (rhcp)

I agree totally with that last point, life's a bitch, ain't it!

Thanks for your comments so far swiss and RC, I'd love to hear if you've got any suggestions on how to help me find the real me. swiss, you're from a rural background - how did you get 'out'?

yellum

Ok, here are my thoughts.

You say you are confused, are you ? You seem to have concluded you like both sexes. Thats not really confusion is it ?

You are looking to find yourself, how much of your sexuality is involved in this finding ? I really don't know what it is like to have an even liking for guys and girls so don't know how you feel exactly. Me, I like guys mostly, and have only gone out with males of late.

Have you told many people that you like guys and girls. It can help. Even just people you know online that you can comfortably be yourself with ?

I know how you feel about friends who are of the attitude “They’re grand so long as they don’t come near me ". I had friends like that but when I did come out to them they were fine enough with it and remain my friends now. Some of them still make smart-assed homophobic remarks but these are the same type that make remarks about peoples skin, choice of girls and what part of the country they're from. They try and pick a weakness and exploit it because of their own insecurities, but its not a weakness for me so it doesn't get to me. But like you said about your friends they are decent people still.

If you do come out to close friends you may be surprised how they take it. I know some had tonnes of questions and I was glad to kill off some stereotypes and smother some ignorance. I felt more comfortable around them too as I was hiding nothing. Some friends appreciated my honesty and openess and rewarded me by being very open about their own lives.

Now, as for this guy you like. See, thats a two step process in my eyes. And they are two very big steps. Theres telling him and that in itself needs to be handled well. Then theres deciding whether to tell him how you feel about him. For me I'd wait a good bit after step 1 before deciding if I was going to tell him that. It gives you time to see how you have progressed since step 1.


If you feel that in your current situation coming out to people about liking girls and guys is a problem but you want to be open, then yes I guess moving away is an option.

If you are going to do that plan in advance. I only came out to my folks after I got a proper well payed job that left me self-sufficient in case they decided to kick me out. They didn't.

I know some people that moved to Dublin where they had a much more liberated life away from the place where they supressed themselves and their true identity. Maybe thats what you'd need to find yourself as you mentioned.

Good luck, and keep us in the loop as to how things are going.

Damien.

swiss

Yeah, I'm aware of that but I don't think I can dismiss their dislike of homosexual men that easily

I'm not saying you should dismiss their dislike, just to look at it in the context of their upbringing. If someone has been told <x> amount of times that homosexuality is wrong then they're going to parrot out the same view without knowing any better. Consequently when they do learn better (by actually knowing gay people and having some exposure to them) perhaps they won't have such a militant attitude towards them. I'm not saying you should come out to them or anything, just that should you decide to do so, their reaction just might surprise you.

I think I understand part of the whole social dynamic behind your dilemma. Not only do you fear that the guy might reject you, you're concerned that he might be indiscreet about your advances. Even if he does accept, you're concerned that because of his proximity to your home, your family/friends might find out and you don't want to/can't deal with that (at least not at the moment).

The old adage "once bitten, twice shy" seems to apply here again. You like this guy enough to really want to tell him how you feel, but don't want to do so because of the potential consequences. I'm afraid I can't give you any advice here. What I would suggest is that you try to make up your mind before it drives you insane. If you decide that you're not going to tell him, then it really is better that you just put him out of your mind altogether.

On a personal note I was in a situation very similar to yours a few years back. I cared a great deal about, and was very attracted to a good mate of mine. The problem was he was straight. He knew I was gay of course (and didn't have a problem with it) but I agonised for months about whether I should tell him about my feelings for him. In the end it was finished due to circumstances beyond my control, but if it had not been I honestly don't know how it would have ended. I had made a conscious decision to try to limit my contact with him, it was tough but it seemed to be the only rational thing to do. The decision was relatively straightforward. Doing it (or trying to do it) was exceedingly difficult.

Yes, unrequited love is indeed a bitch, and it is very rare that anyone - gay or straight - has not experienced this at some point of their lives or another. Sometimes the only solution is to grin and bear it. I would however urge you to at least give your other options some serious consideration before going for that last one.

swiss, you're from a rural background - how did you get 'out'?

Hmm, this is a bit of a cop out for me as well. I suppose you could say I got 'out' when I started going to college (the local IT in Waterford). I came out when I was in first year in the college, but it was a while before I joined an LGB society and started going out on the 'scene', more because of my own preconceptions of what it was like more than anything else.

At home is a somewhat different story. It's a bit of a long story, and if you search through a 'coming out' thread that you'll find when this board was first up and running you'll find it. Basically I came out to my mother. She took it badly, which stymied my plan to tell the rest of my family. I still haven't mentioned it to them, and I haven't spoken to her about it since. At home, to a certain extent I am still in the closet, although it's pretty and has lights and amusing toys and such.

Rural attitudes are a bitch indeed, but I'm not completely out in the sticks . I have gay friends in Waterford and head out every so often. Occasionally I pop up to Dublin and say hello to a few boards people as well as a few others. It's great to let your hair down every so often.

You also seem to ask how you can find the "real" you. I can only speak from experience, but what was relatively successful for me was trying to find "the bottom line". Cutting out all the extraneous crap like my history, my attitudes, my environment and asking myself some tough questions. Do I like girls? How much? Do I like guys? How much? Grilling myself in this manner finally got me to give myself a bit of a kick in the pants. "No you don't like women. Yes you find guys attractive sexually. Ummm, yeah I think that qualifies as gay!" .

No idea whether something like that would work for you or not though.

Edit: Oh, and on a completely and utterly different note (and maybe lighten the tone a little bit) today is my birthday. Go me!

LegacyUser

Thanks you three for your matter of fact comments and sensible advice - this is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for, you're really helping me ask myself the kind of questions which should help me get my head straight. Its great to finally talk about how I feel.

Originally posted by yellum
You say you are confused, are you ? You seem to have concluded you like both sexes. Thats not really confusion is it ?

Well I can't go out with someone of both sexes so I'll likely have to choose one.

Have you told many people that you like guys and girls. It can help. Even just people you know online that you can comfortably be yourself with ?

Doing that right now! And yes, it does help. Thank you

Now, as for this guy you like. See, thats a two step process in my eyes.

If only I'd had that kind of advice first time round! Thats a great idea, so simple I can't believe I couldn't come up with that myself, I guess I must have just a one-track mind! I guess it would help to see the kind of fallout there would be after telling them initially before coming on too strongly to anyone.

Originally posted by swiss
I think I understand part of the whole social dynamic behind your dilemma. Not only do you fear that the guy might reject you, you're concerned that he might be indiscreet about your advances. Even if he does accept, you're concerned that because of his proximity to your home, your family/friends might find out and you don't want to/can't deal with that (at least not at the moment).

That's pretty much bang on! I'm not ready for that, anyone I've trusted and told so far hasn't hung around too long. The group of people I'm friends with at the moment are a great bunch - I know I'm not being completely open with them but I'm happy with things and I don't want to rock the boat.

Do I like girls? How much? Do I like guys? How much? Grilling myself in this manner finally got me to give myself a bit of a kick in the pants. "No you don't like women. Yes you find guys attractive sexually. Ummm, yeah I think that qualifies as gay!"
No idea whether something like that would work for you or not though.

They are questions I have asked myself with some regularity and I rarely come up with the same answer twice in a row. Sometimes all I want is a nice down-to-earth genuine attractive guy and girls just don't come into the equation. Other times vice versa. I seem to go through phases where I'm 100% straight or 100% gay but most of the time I'm somewhere in between. This is what I want to sort out

Edit: Oh, and on a completely and utterly different note (and maybe lighten the tone a little bit) today is my birthday. Go me!

Indeed - Go you! Happy birthday, enjoy yourself! I might even have a pint in your honour later on..... Thanks again for your help

fozzle

Originally posted by JD_2
Well I can't go out with someone of both sexes so I'll likely have to choose one.

...

They are questions I have asked myself with some regularity and I rarely come up with the same answer twice in a row. Sometimes all I want is a nice down-to-earth genuine attractive guy and girls just don't come into the equation. Other times vice versa. I seem to go through phases where I'm 100% straight or 100% gay but most of the time I'm somewhere in between. This is what I want to sort out

Why do you feel that you'll have to choose one or the other? If you like someone (male or female) enough to want a relationship, then you're unlikely to fancy someone else of the same or opposite sex to the same extent at the same time. I know it can be awkward when friends don't seem to understand the concept of bisexuality ("but wait, you've got a boyfriend now, does that mean you're not gay after all?") but you're sexuality can really only be classified by you, so don't try putting yourself in a box that you may want out of again in the future.



Oh, and belated Happy Birthday Swiss!

yellum

Originally posted by JD_2

Well I can't go out with someone of both sexes so I'll likely have to choose one.

Ok, I am being ignorant here as I have no real idea what its like to be attracted to a girl, then like a guy, then like a girl etc.

But the way I saw that; and please educate me if I'm wrong, is its like a type for some people. I like guys with jet black spiky hair and dark brown eyes but I also like tall well built guys, guys with the same taste in music as me and same taste in movies. I also like blue-eyed guys that are the same height as me that are not as well built and so on.

I can't go out with someone that has all these traits as its impossible. So I go out with a black haired guy or a blue eyed fair haired guy. I go out with someone I'm attracted to. I don't worry about settling on one type. I know its really not the same thing, but I hope you get the idea ? (see more below )


Doing that right now! And yes, it does help. Thank you


We're all glad to help, but by talking to someone do you mean here in this thread or to existing online friends ? If you mean here its just a start really. You'd need to interact with more people with a non-anonymous profile and bring more aspects of your real-life persona into play.

I know some peope have created new accounts and posted from them as themselves with a gay twist, in case their existing online friends shunned them.

Its an extreme measure but you could do that. Its all down to doing things that don't make you feel uncomfortable. With this new persona you could be a lot more open about your personal life without existing friends knowing its you and you can make a lot of new friends who won't give a flying fck about your sexuality. Its not the same as being open to your close real-world friends but it can still be very therapeutic

Another thing I'd recommend is talking to other people about this who are bisexual. I'm sure they've been through this whole thing before too. I'll see can I get the ever-wise Tallesin to reply to this. Also check out this website: http://www.bi-irish.com/ (offtopic: its so so badly designed, think I'll have a word)




I seem to go through phases where I'm 100% straight or 100% gay but most of the time I'm somewhere in between. This is what I want to sort out


See the first reply I gave above, why does this need sorting ? Theres nothing wrong with liking both sexes. I don't think its about settling for one sex, its about settling for one person who makes you happy. Their sex shouldn't matter. Perhaps the only thing that needs sorting is your acceptance that your sexuality is something that doesn't need sorting ?

Damien.

the_syco

You see, to see it all in a negative fashion. You like both worlds. Twice as much choice. And one (female) and a half (gay male's) more chance's than some of us do.

I'm staight, and I like tall dark-haired women. If a guy said he liked me, I'd be flattered, but if he tried anything on (esp. when under the influence), it'd be a no-no.

The thing about lesbian's -v- gay men, it's 'cos they're the opposite sex, and lots of them (also 'cos we can't have them), and straight men like women.
Don't tell me a gay persons' eye's don't light up if they heard about gay porn:D
Heck, a few straight guys I know of don't like lesbian porn. They only like the matched type.

One of my mates from the country (I ain't mentioning where; he may not like if I did) has been with both sex's. If he asked me the question mentioned above, I'd just say no.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by fozzle
I know it can be awkward when friends don't seem to understand the concept of bisexuality ("but wait, you've got a boyfriend now, does that mean you're not gay after all?") but you're sexuality can really only be classified by you, so don't try putting yourself in a box that you may want out of again in the future.

Exactly, I'm still not sure so I don't want to tell people anything really. I'm hopping between boxes in my head all the time so I'm not gonna come out and tell friends just yet I don't think.

Originally posted by yellum
Ok, I am being ignorant here as I have no real idea what its like to be attracted to a girl, then like a guy, then like a girl etc.

I know what you're saying about black hair/brown eyes v. fair/blue-eyes etc but for me it's not just about the type or the look. I feel a different kind of attraction to males and females. Maybe it's the nature of the relationships or my experiences or my stereotypes but I just don't feel like it's as simple as just a type. I can't really expand anymore on this right now, I'm kind of struggling to verbalise my feelings.


Its all down to doing things that don't make you feel uncomfortable.


Good piece of advice, I think that I'm happy in a 'normality' comfort zone at the moment, as I said in an earlier post I don't want to rock the boat with any announcements just yet. I'll do things at my own pace. I had a browse of the bi-irish site, it is quite possibly the worst designed site I've ever seen (can you even call it designed?) but it is good to know that a group is there. Thing is, they're in Dublin and I'm not! Might have to look for a new job soon......



I don't think its about settling for one sex, its about settling for one person who makes you happy. Their sex shouldn't matter. Perhaps the only thing that needs sorting is your acceptance that your sexuality is something that doesn't need sorting ?


Yeah, their sex shouldn't matter and in an ideal world, it wouldn't. But this isn't ideal and it does matter.
Again, as I said earlier, I haven't worried too much about my sexuality really til now and it has been quite a while. I haven't decided one way or t'other and I have experimented. It's just that time is passing by. I think I need to decide to help me focus on getting a longer-term partner. The more I think about it, the more I feel it would be stupid to tell my friend how I really feel about him without being sure of his reaction. And if I don't tell him then there is no reason to tell the others anything either. I think.

Originally posted by the_syco
You see, to see it all in a negative fashion. You like both worlds. Twice as much choice. And one (female) and a half (gay male's) more chance's than some of us do.

It's not that I see it all in a negative fashion although sometimes I admit I'm not as positive as I could be. It's because I'm not happy with certain aspects of my life and I know something is going to have to change. You see you're looking at things positively: bisexual = twice as much choice! Right? Wrong! In my experience, this is not the case. Not even close. Hey but that's me being negative again! :shrug:

Thanks for your input syco, it's nice to hear how you'd respond to that question as a straight guy. Do you really think that being flattered would be your first feeling?
As for your ps, I don't think I've any exams to repeat (unless there's something they're not telling me!) so must be a case of mistaken identity.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by JD_2
It's just that time is passing by. I think I need to decide to help me focus on getting a longer-term partner

the advice has been great here, so I’ve not much to add except this long term relationship thing – take your time on that, just relax and go with the flow – I say that cos you can never tell with long term relationships, if there is one thing I have learned from being in them, it’s that they never turn out to be forever and that the most enjoyable ones have been the ones which you weren’t expecting to last, in other words, just take what comes in life and enjoy it, there’s no need for all the analysing, it can melt your head and at the end of the day, gets you no where.
good luck
a

Rock Climber

I think that I'm happy in a 'normality' comfort zone at the moment, as I said in an earlier post I don't want to rock the boat with any announcements just yet. I'll do things at my own pace.

Ok but comfortable will do nothing for your thinking that time is passing you by.

Regarding your friend again:
How well and how long do you know him?
Has he a GF or has he ever spoken about them?
Has he had one recently? And/or does he actively look for one and suggest that you do likewise?
Does he or has he ever taken you into his confidence about anything?
Can you trust him?

You see the hurdle in my view that you have to get over, is to treat the people you are attracted to, in the same way as a straight guy would treat any girl he fancies but has gotten to know as a friend.
I don't mean chase every fanciable friend you have , but just be that extra little bit friendly towards them.
It's borderline flirting and it is possible to get away with it once you can judge who can have that kind of a laugh with you and who can't.

I do that all the time to be honest and I'm not camp in any way. I'm just over friendly.
I've behaved like that with work colleagues and people outside , some have instantly mentioned their GF's (and then we laugh it off with a comment like I'd love to meet her etc, what sort of eejit is she to be with you, ya big pig LoL)
In other cases, it has lead to something nice , nudge , nudge
Be pro active in that way and see how you get on.
That applies to girls aswell that you may like as the goal is to end up with someone you are comfortable with,regardless of their sex

Finally I'm leaning towards advising you to behave a little in that way with the friend you are talking about, basically hang out with him a bit more.
Get your brain working on ways/excuses to be doing stuff with him ( no not that!! )
You never know but even if he isn't gay, you may have his support or companionship as moral support in the search for what or who you really want.

the_syco

Originally posted by JD_2
Thanks for your input syco, it's nice to hear how you'd respond to that question as a straight guy. Do you really think that being flattered would be your first feeling?
As for your ps, I don't think I've any exams to repeat (unless there's something they're not telling me!) so must be a case of mistaken identity.

First thought would be its flattering. First feeling would be "WTF?". Also depends who it was from, me suppose's.
Basiclly, if he's a good mate, and you express your feeling's, and his reaction is not what you want, at least you'll know. If you keep killing yourself for the rest of your life thinking "if only", you'll never move on.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Rock Climber
Regarding your friend again:
How well and how long do you know him?
Has he a GF or has he ever spoken about them?
Has he had one recently? And/or does he actively look for one and suggest that you do likewise?
Does he or has he ever taken you into his confidence about anything?
Can you trust him?

I don't know him that long I suppose, less than 18 months. I wouldn't say we're very close but we have had moments. He doesn't have a gf but does speak about them. Those last two are hard to call and I see the point you're making.


I don't know what else to say at this point except thanks to everyone who has offered help and advice, it's all welcome! I haven't decided quite what to do just yet. I think I'm going to leave things as they are here for now but try and move away somewhere else soon.

I'll call back if there's any developments ....

Thanks again all