Various

Jim

Got these in Fw: Fwd etc.... email.


Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his
girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes
and
yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns
around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears
this.

He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a

real sport too." And drives off.

***************************************************************

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about

their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the
Englishman.
"So
we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real
coincidence,"
remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we
decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence,"
said
the Irishman. Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

**************************************************************

There's an Englishman, Irishman &Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other
day &I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even
know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of

Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that
the

Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was
cleaning

my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was
really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

***************************************************************

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of
his
Dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried
about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him.
The
son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother
replies
"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on
top
of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why
is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady
next
door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."


***************************************************************

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left
the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the
railings
of
the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of
this
and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave
her a

good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will
started
crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will
sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

***************************************************************

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar

stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that
you
are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight
lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
Not

if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

UnrealQueen

Like the first one best!

quank

they were brilliant :D