homer quotes

Agent Smith

got this via e-mail, so ignore the >>>>'s will ya?






Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there,
>>>> > > save
>>>> > me,
>>>> > > Superman!
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be
>>>>isolated
>>>> > > and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that
>>>> > > might be extracted for our personal use.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
>>>> > > Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but
>>>> > > man...[laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't
>>>> > > know.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding
>>>> > > of chocolate to milk.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has
>>>> > > enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch
>>>> > > your mother from his neon
>>>> > > claws!
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: God bless those pagans.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what
>>>> > separates
>>>> > > us
>>>> > > from the animals...except the weasel.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer Jay Simpson: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to
>>>> > > SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED
>>>> > > dropped, it would explode.
>>>> > > I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your
>>>>car.
>>>> > > You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been
>>>> > > crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
>>>> > > Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have
>>>> > Bart's
>>>> > > room
>>>> > > and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
>>>> > > Marge: Won't that warp him?
>>>> > > Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
>>>> > > Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
>>>> > > Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think
>>>> > > his name is Mother Shabubu now
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same
>>>> > > colour in the end.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding,
>>>> > > "you're making a scene."
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not
>>>> > > listening
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
>>>>child,
>>>> > > but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again?
>>>> > > What about bacon?
>>>> > > Lisa: No.
>>>> > > Homer: Ham?
>>>> > > Lisa: No!
>>>> > > Homer: Pork chops?
>>>> > > Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
>>>> > > Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical
>>>> > > animal.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
>>>> > > Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
>>>> > > Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
>>>> > > Homer: Okay, I will!
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
>>>>academy,
>>>> > > I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But
>>>> > > instead it was dark
>>>> > > and disturbing. Like that movie-Police Academy.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And
>>>> > > what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
>>>> > > Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your
>>>> > > newsletter.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
>>>> > > Guard: And your name is...?
>>>> > > Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who
>>>> > doesn't
>>>> > > immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
>>>> > > Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that
>>>> > > game. [doorbell rings] Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go
>>>> > > to the game with me? I got two
>>>> > > tick-Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me,
>>>>O
>>>> > Lord?
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed
>>>> > > up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
>>>> > > Homer: I know I shouldn't
>>>> > > eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
>>>> > > Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
>>>> > > Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to
>>>> > break
>>>> > > the
>>>> > > rules to free your heart.
>>>> > > Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
>>>> > > Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in
>>>> > > hope.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very
>>>> > obsessive.
>>>> > > Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is
>>>>a
>>>> > joke!
>>>> > > It
>>>> > > just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks
>>>> > > in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth
>>>> > Doing
>>>> > >
>>>> > > [Homer can't stop the monorail]
>>>> > > Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
>>>> > > Homer: Is it Batman?
>>>> > > Marge: It's a scientist.
>>>> > > Homer: Batman's a scientist?
>>>> > > Marge: It's NOT Batman.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all!
>>>> > > The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure,
>>>>I
>>>> > > might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty
>>>> > > odors-oh, I'll
>>>> > never
>>>> > > be
>>>> > > the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their
>>>>tongues,
>>>> > > stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this
>>>> > > Homer
>>>> > Simpson?"
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed
>>>> > > to
>>>> > get
>>>> > > into
>>>> > > heaven.
>>>> > > Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint
>>>> > > the house... Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get
>>>> > > in, I'm not
>>>> > running
>>>> > > for
>>>> > > Jesus
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're
>>>> > > defending themselves somehow!
>>>> > >
>>>> > > Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like- I'm the one out
>>>> > > there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of
>>>> > > order! You're out of order!
>>>> > > The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You
>>>>want
>>>> > > the
>>>> > > truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and
>>>>put
>>>> > > your
>>>> > > hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll
>>>>know
>>>> > what
>>>> > > to
>>>> > > do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
>>>> > >
>>>> > > [Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.]
>>>> > > Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
>>>> > > Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders

Raphael

You know you've got too much time on your hands when:


Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...[laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.

Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Homer: God bless those pagans.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel.

Homer Jay Simpson: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Homer: Here are your messages:
You have 30 minutes to move yourcar.
You have 10 minutes.
Your car has been impounded.
Your car has been crushed into a cube.
You have 30 minutes to move your cube

Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now

Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie-Police Academy.

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got twotick-
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth Doing

[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.

Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors-oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus

Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

[Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.]
Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders

scree

Three phrases that will get you through life
1 Cover for me
2 Great idea boss
3 It was like that when i got here

RobertFoster

Homer [to an audience]: If I could just say a few words....I'd be a better public speaker!

Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Homer: Save me Jebus!

quank

Originally posted by Raphael
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

They're all great, but this has to be my favourite

All these quotes make me wanna buy a DVD... *sniff*

I should really get a job

DrColossus

homer: ahh i love these lazy saturdays

marge: homer its wednesday and your late for work!

homer (on saturday): ahh i love these real lazy saturdays, not like that fake saturday that almost got me fired

twinQuins

Homer: Oh no! It's gettin' dark. Thats it! I'm gettin' out of this city alive if it kills me!

Homer: [after finishing Khav Khalash] Now, got anything that can wash that awful taste off my mouth?
Man selling Khav Khalash: Mountain dew or crab juice.
Homer: Ew! Yuck! Blurgh! Man, I'll take a crab juice!

Homer to Marge: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

Bart: No dad they're trying to kill us!
Homer Oh, why do all my trips end up like this.

Lisa: Dad! Dad! We did something really bad.
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart and Lisa: [shaking heads] uh uh.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Bart and Lisa: [nodding] uh huh.
Homer: But the car's ok?
Bart and Lisa: Yes.
Homer: Meh.