Rare snippets from Milan Baros's diary

Ronan|Raven

Came across this on another forum found it very good. At times like this all one can do is laugh

The Diary of Milan Baros

Monday
Scored 15 goals in training again. Boss still says I'm reecovering well and if I keep up the good work, I'll get my chance.

Emile and Igor were giggling in to their training tops when he said that. I don't like them. Just cause they get to play all the time, they think they're so good.

Tuesday

Can't wait for the Fulham game. Think I've got a good chance of making the team this week as Emile has been awful in training (as usual) only scoring once, then doing that silly club DJ celebration thing, but Le Boss laughed when he did it and said something about cream always rising to the top. Didn't know he grew up on a farm?

Wednesday

Scored 10 more goals in training today. Emile walked about for half an hour, then finally scored when a Danny Murphy half volley deflected past Luzi off his arse. Le Boss stopped training and told everyone to look how professional he was and if we could all be a bit more like Emile, we'd be in good shape. Stevie and Carra started laughing until Tommo explained to them that Le Boss was serious, at which point they started pretending like they had something stuck in their throat. It looked to me like Thommo was crying and I don't think it was from laughter.

Thursday

Scored 8 today and set up Mickey for a half dozen or so. He's still got a long, long way to go to catch me in the training goals table. Stevie is my nearest rival with half as many goals and Flo-Sinny-Po hot on his heals. Emile has almost scored as many as Carra. Jamie is so funny when he scores in training. He really celebrates every goal. the lad is quality and I can see why the local lads love him. Boss had us rehearse our 7-3-0 formation today, its new and we employ it as a sort of playn B if we go a goal down. Jerzy is deployed as an overlapping winger on the counter-attack. Thommo seemed to really like the idea. He didn't say anything to Le Boss, but I heard him saying it was Fcukin brilliant" to Sammy Lee. I like Sammy, although his response seemed to indicate that he doesn't like French people.

Friday

Le Boss gave us all an inspiring pre training talk today, insisting that tomorrow would be our chance to "turn the corner"... sometimes I misunderstand what the boss means, so I asked Vladi if it had something to do with an inswinger? He said it had nothing to do with corners at all, but meant we would win tomorrow. Vladi's a great bloke, but he believes in all that crystal ball mumbo jumbo coz he's got gypsies in his family. I don't really like gypsies. They scare me almost as much as midgets!

Saturday

Well, same-old same-old. Spent 70 minutes on the bench watching Emile Heskey fall over, turn without the ball, jump for headers and get beaten to headers by defenders that make Junhino look tall and walk around a lot. He kept getting in John-Arne's way at left back, so I don't think he fully understood the 7-3-0 formation. His control was sublime today though, with the ball only bouncing 10 feet in front of him off his knee, instead of going out for a throw in as usual.... so, Le Boss was probably right to keep me on the bench.

LizardKing

Kone

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=154996

Ronan|Raven

Damn ya! Didnt see that as I dont read the humour forum. Came across it on knplogic.co.uk. Still good none the less

Kone

Poor Class m8,

"Emile walked about for half an hour, then finally scored when a Danny Murphy half volley deflected past Luzi off his arse."

jonno

The Diary of Emile Heskey

Monday
Almost scored a goal in training today. That little Czech bloke (not Vladi, the other one, named after a northern Italian town) went past all the defenders and drew Dudek out of his goal, then unselfishly slid the ball to me. It was brill, I was 5 yards out with a gaping open net. I steadied meself and swung me leftie at it, but slipped on the turf at the last minute, but it was okay coz the ball bobbled off me right knee and bounced off the post. Le Boss said it was a good effort, woulda been a cracker if it'd gone in and I was just a bit unlucky.

That little Pogo stick kid was laughing his arse off, as I was getting up. I nearly went for him, but Mickey restrained me.

Tuesday

Almost scored a goal in training today. That little Mikey Owen chipped Dudek who was off his line, then unselfishly slid the ball to me. It was brill, I was 5 yards out with a gaping open net. I steadied meself and swung me leftie at it, but slipped on the turf at the last minute, but it was okay coz the ball bobbled off me right knee and bounced off the post. Le Boss said it was a good effort, woulda been a cracker if it'd gone in and I was just a bit unlucky.

That little Carragher kid was laughing his arse off, as I was getting up. I nearly went for him, but Mickey restrained me.

Wednesday

Actually scored a goal today. Had my usual afternoon stroll about Mellwood (can't understand why everyone else feels the need to run about, walking is so much better for you, low impact and all that)then Danny Murphy hit this half volley that came straight at me. I was petrified, he can't half hit them. I took one in the family jewels once and couldn't cuddle with Le boss for 2 weeks. Needless to say, I turned my back to protect the little fellas this time. The ball wellied me on the left buttock and deflected past Luzi. Le Boss stopped training and told everyone to look how professional I was and if they could all be a bit more like me, we'd be in good shape. Stevie and Carra were laughing at me, but I didn't care. It's just nice to have Le Boss say something nice about me. Really boosted my confidence. Tommo didn't seem too impressed with the goal though, which just undermined my confidence again. I don't think he likes me.

Thursday

Almost scored again today. Didi Hamman hit one of those 30 yard freight train pile drivers of his, which was goal bound for sure.... until it hit me in the back of the head. I was just jogging across the top of the box, minding my own business, trying to stay out of the way... you know, like I usually do in a game... when blammo... right in the back of the head. I saw stars I can tell you. Not Zeta-Jones, Britney, Jordan kind of stars, but the cartoon tweety bird kind. Carra was alughing afterwards, said I sounded like Ozzy for about a half hour, hobbling about talking incoherently. he said I even shouted for Sharon at one point and I don't even know anyone named Sharon, so I don't believe him. Anyway, the ball apparently hit the post after it bounced off my head, but Le Boss said Jerzy was stranded and could only watch it, so it'd've been a crackin goal had it gone in.
Le Boss had us rehearse his new Plan B, 7-3-0 formation today, Jerzy gets to barnstorm down the right wing on the counter-attack. Le Boss is just such a genius and I respect him so much, but The Pole looked a bit confused by the tactic (that gave me a bit of confidence I can tell you, coz he's quite bright is Jerzy). Thommo discussed the tactic with Sammy Lee and I think they muct have both liked the idea, coz they were laughing about it. I like Sammy and mentioned to him that I thought Le Boss's new plan was good, but he told me I was a *** , which didn't do my confidence any good.

Friday

Le Boss's pre training talk was as inspiring as usual. Gave me loads of confidence for tomorrow. He said we had "turned another corner." I overheard someone say he was starting Bruno, so that gave me a bit of confidence coz that was my nickname. Le Boss took me aside afterwards though and told me he was gonna give Bruno Cheyrou a start coz his dad had called complaining that his son wasn't getting enough games. My confidence dipped a bit after that, even though he promised to get me on as a sub at some point. Vladi and that other Czech kid were chatting about gypsies or something in the corner. I don't trust gypsies.

Saturday

Had a good game today. Got the 20 minutes Le Boss promised me. Played left half, but in a sort of roving cover for left back and right winger on the break role. Think it worked quite well, except for when I accidentally tripped up John Arne on the break when he only had one man to beat. He said something in Danish (which is odd coz I think he's Norwegian) which I didn't understand but it sure didn't sound complimentary. Needless to say, that just ruined my confidence, so when I did actually get a chance to score a simple tap in, I missed it. I explained what happened to Le Boss and he assured me he'd bench JAR for the next one... that'll teach the little Ginger-minge to bad mouth me in a non-native foreign language.

jonno

Just thought the two might go well together LMFAO

jesus_thats_gre

God christ that was the funniest thing i have read in so long!