Men, women and wives

malico

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
Other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on
his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!!!


The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her
husband
said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You
can
take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At
the
end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She
lived
for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held
at
the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again
carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch
the f*cking wall!"


A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa
looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with
Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes
it
with Ken."



Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money. So
agree
the price before you start.


A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's
pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" No" replies the Officer, "You
were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat
that
made me suspicious"


Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big
brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking
Clock",
the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you",
the
man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded
hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks
sake,
it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"


Only in Ireland... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Ireland... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the
counters

Only in Ireland... 142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all
pins
from new shirts.

Only in Ireland... 58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives
instead of screwdrivers.

Only in Ireland... 13 Irish have died since 1996 by watering their
Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

Only in Ireland... Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year
after
cracker pulling accidents.

Only in Ireland... 101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts
of
plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

Only in Ireland... 18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new
jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

Only in Ireland... A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&;E in the last
two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

Only in Ireland... 5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving
out of control Scalextric cars.

AND finally......... Only in Ireland... In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their
skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

Karoma

uh huh...source for statistics? they'd be amusing there was a source. go find a source-when you come back there'll probably be lots of posts about how old your 'jokes' are

quank

Originally posted by malico
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

Haha... that's brilliant.

de5p0i1er

LOL. Makes ya wonder why ppl get marryed in the first place.