Dam Beavers

LilyMon

long one but funny IMO. Sorry if it's been posted already.


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
BRILLIANT, but read the State's letter before you get
to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this
activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this
request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full
cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.
DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed
to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at
2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers
are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I
did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building
materials" debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any
time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State
to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver
dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling
their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to
read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows
downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources Beavers)and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this
dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real environmental quality (health) problem in
the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the
beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Raphael

Very good, but giving away the punchline in the title is a bad idea, as a rule