Shorties!

UnrealQueen

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or
maybe my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I'm
pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man walks into doctor's office.
"Well what seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

RobertFoster

hehe, a few made me laugh...other were just WRONG!

de5p0i1er

There are some pretty good ones in there.

quank

Haha. Those are brilliant!

fizzynicenice

HAHAHA BRILLIANT,
two cows in a field, one says, are you worried about mad cow disese,
the oter replies, "why should I be, I'm a duck"

Art_Wolf

Heh will have to hurt some people with those

fragile

Two cows in a field, one says "moo", the other says "f*%k ya, I was going to say that"

JohnK

lol
Some good ones there

88miles an hour

some of them are fair bad!!!

Flashling

Or, you know, smile and someone tells you that you have spinach in your teeth. Anything there?

robbie1876

Giggled a lot to these, thanks!!

Agent Smith

2 eggs in a pan,
1st egg: jesus christ it's hot in here,
2nd egg: jesus christ a talking egg....

munster rucker

There were two golfish in a tank, one says to the other .. how do you drive this thing?

There were two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other .. do you smell fish?

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a nobel prize? he was out standing in his field

:cool:

fragile

Originally posted by munster rucker
There were two golfish in a tank, one says to the other .. how do you drive this thing?

There were two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other .. do you smell fish?

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a nobel prize? he was out standing in his field

Telling jokes like that should be a crime against humanity :eek:

tman

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

so crap yet so funny:D

Kelter

credit where credit's due

Thank you Tommy Cooper, and thank you to whom ever you stole the jokes off and didn't give credit to either

AdMMM

Thank you for pointing that out Kelter. I'm sure good auld Tommy would be turning his his grave kicking up dirt if he wasn't properly accredited with those.

kano476

tommy coopers dead!?

Zoot

Good auld Tommy, 'twas the delivery that made him exceptional.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Wasn't that:

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Kazu

all good lol