comedy quotes

OY

Right now i am spending a saturday afternoon watching 'Airplane'!
Some LOL moments:

"Jimmy...have you ever been in a turkish prison?"

"We just got clearance Clarence!"
"Roger Roger, whats our vector Victor?"

"Your coming in too fast, watch your speed!"
"He's coming right at us...AHHHHHHH!" [Dives out window]

"Bad news...fog is getting thicker."
"And Leon's getting LARGER!"

"Oh stewardess...I speak jive!"

[reading from instrument panel]
"Speed...520 knots....course zero niner zero....trim..mixture..wash, soap, rinse, spin"

There are soooooo many! CLASSIC!

What quotes made you guys LOL! Any movie will do!

UnrealQueen

The naked Gun, i just can't remember any of them now!

Hecate

National Lampoon's Vacation, possibly the greatest thing ever comitted to celluloid. When Clark flips his lid:

"I think you're all fúcked in the head. We're ten hours from the fúcking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fúcking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your ássholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shít!"

fizzynicenice

Aeroplane
"We have to get this woman to a hospital!"
"What is it?"
"Its a big building with lots of people in it, but thats not important right now"

OY

"What can you make of this" [hands over paper]
"Why this...i can make a hat, or a boat or a pteradactyl!"

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

"It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman."
"[singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses..."
"War is hell."

"What kind of plane is it?"
"Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with a red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol."

[As the plane prepares to take off]
"Nervous?"
"Yes."
"First time?"
"No, I've been nervous lots of times."

"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

mycroft

"These are the salt of the earth, the common folk, clodhoppers, the little people; y'know, morons."

Blazing Saddles.

OfflerCrocGod

"I picked the wrong week to quit" insert X here - it never got old

Ph3n0m

Some of my fav quotes are:

Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of ****ing nowhere with ****ing keys to a ****ing car that isn't ****ing there. And I really didn't care to ****ing walk down a ****ing highway and across a ****ing runway to get back here to have you smile at my ****ing face. I want a ****ing car RIGHT ****ING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement.
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy what?
Car Rental Agent: You're ****ed!

---

Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what'd make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?

---

Ghostbusters
Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

---

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

---

Dr. Raymond Stantz: I think we'd better split up.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah... we can do more damage that way.

---

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no human being would stack books like this.

---

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true.
[pause]
Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
Walter Peck: Jeez!
[Charges at Venkman]
Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!
Walter Peck: Alright, alright, alright!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well that's what I heard!

---

OY

LOL Ph3n0m!

Now i want to go and rent Ghostbusters!

Etain

The two men awaken to the tune "Back in Baby's Arms"....

Del:" Where's your other hand?"
Neal:"Between two pillows."
Del: "Those aren't pillows!"

adonis

"wanna take a dingy"
"no i had one back at the station"

Raoul Duke

"I've got it - his real name is Arty Mori!"

Karl Hungus

Just about every line from Withnail & I is a classic.
As so:

Uncle Monty: I mean to have you boy, even if it must be Burglary!

Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight

Uncle Monty: Flowers are simply tarts; prostitutes for the bees.

Peter Marwood: What about whatshisname?
Withnail: What about him?
Peter Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Peter Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house?
Peter Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: Alright. What's his number?
Peter Marwood: I've no idea. I've never met him.
Withnail: Well neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?

Withnail: Have you been at the controls?
Peter Marwood: What are you talking about?
Withnail: The thermostats. What have you done to them?
Peter Marwood: I haven't touched them.
Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb?

Withnail: [having just drunk a bottle of lighter fluid] Got any more?
Peter Marwood: No. I have nothing.
Withnail: Liar. What's in your toolbox.
Peter Marwood: Nothing.
Withnail: Liar. You've got antifreeze.
Peter Marwood: You bloody fool. You should never mix your drinks!