You're a Wanker!

Flukey

CALLING THE WANKER

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a wanker!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "wanker," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a wanker!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me -- I would have to stop calling the wanker. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a wanker!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-8234-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a wanker, there sure are a lot of **** in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-8234-4863 and yelling, "You're a
wanker!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a wanker!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two **** to call. Then, after several months of calling the **** and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial wanker #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."

I yelled "You're a wanker!", but I didn't hang up.

The wanker said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, wanker!" and I hung up.

Then I called wanker #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, wanker!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now wanker!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 7 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two **** kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter... it was fantastic!

the_obsolete

Meh...average at best

Pugsley

Funny, even if it probably didnt happen

smoke.me.a.kipper

Pugsley wrote:

Funny, even if it probably didnt happen

i really doubt its truthfullness but, it is a funny read.

RE*AC*TOR

quite good - bravo old chap.
note the 555 numbers (used in hollywood - no actual 555 numbers in the states).

carpocrates

oh my god that was you? The only reason I didn't answer you outside the mall was because I went deaf in my left ear from years of working for free at the local orphanage and listening to the babies crying as I spoonfed them their medicine. I was selling that car to pay for my grandmother's liver operation and the reason I was angry that you called me all the time was because I couldn't afford to send her to hospital and you would wake her in the middle of the day with your calls. Her condition worsened by the day and she died some months later in a gruelling drawn out debacle the doctors diagnosed as stress enduced, possibly by constant harassment.
The day that other man came over to attack me we were burying my grandmother in the back garden, not being able to afford a proper grave, I was there with my parents and the impoverished friends my grandmother kept in touch with after they escaped from Belsen in the 40s to found their own non political kitten sanctuary. The sight of the police cars, helicopters and dogs killed 4 of these survivors on the spot. I was assaulted and arrested and have just served 16 months of being manhandled in jail while my family fell apart. Most of the babies in my orphanage have died and the place has been bought out by burger king.
still, i have to admit i can see the funny side.

Agent Smith

carpocrates wrote:

oh my god that was you? The only reason I didn't answer you outside the mall was because I went deaf in my left ear from years of working for free at the local orphanage and listening to the babies crying as I spoonfed them their medicine. I was selling that car to pay for my grandmother's liver operation and the reason I was angry that you called me all the time was because I couldn't afford to send her to hospital and you would wake her in the middle of the day with your calls. Her condition worsened by the day and she died some months later in a gruelling drawn out debacle the doctors diagnosed as stress enduced, possibly by constant harassment.
The day that other man came over to attack me we were burying my grandmother in the back garden, not being able to afford a proper grave, I was there with my parents and the impoverished friends my grandmother kept in touch with after they escaped from Belsen in the 40s to found their own non political kitten sanctuary. The sight of the police cars, helicopters and dogs killed 4 of these survivors on the spot. I was assaulted and arrested and have just served 16 months of being manhandled in jail while my family fell apart. Most of the babies in my orphanage have died and the place has been bought out by burger king.
still, i have to admit i can see the funny side.

what the feck is that?

robbie1876

agent smith wrote:

what the feck is that?

that is without question the worst attempt at humour since god created woman

griffdaddy

carpocrates wrote:

Most of the babies in my orphanage have died and the place has been bought out by burger king.

was there a big gun tradgedy around there this weekend??

TomTom

Guys can you pass this note to your parents?
"Due to recent writing by your siblings can I suggest that you use condoms in the future."

Kold

TomTom wrote:

Guys can you pass this note to your parents?
"Due to recent writing by your siblings can I suggest that you use condoms in the future."

A sibling is a brother or sister you rehab

Crash

heheh.....rehab.

Oriel

For the first time in the Humour fourm, I think this thread needs to be locked for really really non-humour posts...

S.

exiztone

Kold wrote:

A sibling is a brother or sister you rehab

Lol, yes! Savage truth saves a really really bad humour thread.

TomTom

kold, don't be a tool, it was a simple mistake