Everything you needed to know about skangers but were afraid to ask

elivsvonchiaing

No. This is not the encyclopaedia of skangers - but a thread to relieve the angst felt by many in another thread elsewhere - emotions were hmm so I won't mention it here. I write this with the belief that many people looking at my profile will immediatly decide "skanger". So all this just is just tounge-in-cheek - not be read by those who take themselves too seriously - (easily offended D4/D14 types :-)

My definition of skanger:

1. You are a skanger if the last thing you said to your girlfriend before proposing is: "Your Whaahh?"

2. You are a skanger if you the cross the road in the knowledge that you are in the path of a vehicle with which a collision is likely - forcing the driver to slam on the brakes in the full knowledge that you know that he/she knows you're only looking for compo.

3. You're a skanger if you know your brother get's out of the 'Joy roughly in April 2005 when, he was sentenced to 16 months yesterday. G.B.H.

4. You're a skanger if you've ever seen a BMW 700 series - burn.

5. You're a skanger if you've ever been to Amsterdam and fcuked a friendly Dutch guy off a tram - who was able to understand your accent - and was foolish enough to strike up a conversation - <I really wished I spoke Dutch then so I could call the cops>.

6. From 5. You're a skanger if a friendly stranger whose mother tongue is not English calls you a fcuked and you get angry enough to take physical action.

7. You're a true skanger if you've ever got off with another skanger get her purse - only to discover later she has your wallet - and you've no idea who the fcuck she is - cos there no credit cards.

8. (Maybe not restricted to skangerdom???) You're a skanger if you were so drunk you pick up a bird and you wake the next with sheit on your chest - she was so pissed-off you fell asleep, she did this and buggered off.

"You're a skanger" is understood as an unspoken intro at this point - wish I'd thought of it before this.

9. One of your mates comes out of the closet. Everyone says - "No problemo". That night everyone is shocked they just go home and text each other. Baseball bats are purchased. You feel you really can't strike the first blow. You go to the Garda station to find you're arresting officer when you were 12 - you witnessed him beat the crap out of queers in 1983. You explain the situation to him - he agrees to attend the event.
<Disclaimer - this reflects a medley of events to which I have knowledge - and extrapolated into the future- If this reflects any true events - I do apologise to any offended>

10. If you've been in London and been to any of the following pubs (twice or more): "The Swan" (Stockwell), "The Crown" (Cricklewood)... there's one in Archway I can't rember the name of and at least 5 others going back 19 years - this can surely be expanded upon....


11. If you watch "Fair City" (this was sponsered by TV3 :-)

12. If you own a card-skimmer. (debatable there are ethnic minorities who own a sheit-load of these - hint - they are mainly not chinese!)

13. You have learned enough Nigerian to negotiate a good price on a batch of 250 card skimmers.

14. You started out by approaching a Nigerian doctor if he knew where you could get card skimmers. He was offended so you broke his nose.

15. Everyone in the Nigerian community who knows you hates you - see above (the vendor loves the cash - but still hates you to look good in the community).

16. You never even owned a card-skimmer - but anyone with an ethnic background hates you anyhow - because you're a racist or have all the hallmarks of racism - you may consider getting rid of the Millwall tatoo.

17. You own 200 shares in Millwall which you purchased at 2p /piece in 1997.

18. You drive out to Howth, just to reverse park and hold up the traffic at weekends (ok maybe not strictly skanger - but these people really piss me off!)

19. When in Prague you go straight to the Irish pub and pay Irish prices when you can have Budvar or Staroramen for 60cent elsewhere (you do have to look for it) (OK skangers AND eejits AND rich bastards who couln't give a fcuck!)

20. You try in vain to persuade your mates to go elsewhere - but they insist on that club - on they way there you fake food poisoning or something - 'cos you know when you get there the bouncer will relate the embarassing story - i.e. why you are barred! (Maybe not strictly skanger)

21. (Doesn't count in my book) Anyone who has ridden a rodeo machine at a cow 'pokes convention in Wicklow - (Didn't know this happened to be quite honest :-).

If the admin feel this thread has become too whatever - feel free to lock it.

(I know you would have locked it without my consent anyhow - ye bastards :-) <aw fcuk are there any skangers among them? :-)>

pat kenny

I don't get it.

elivsvonchiaing

What can I say - I was depressed when I wrote it - I still think some of it (10 %) is funny, though.

griffdaddy

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

(easily offended D14 types :-)

what? d14 is one of the most mixed post codes in the country

tk123

pat kenny wrote:

I don't get it.

Me neither.....?!It sounds like he's stuck a bunch of random events together that have happened in Howth/Prague/London etc... :rolleyes:

Agent Smith

i dont understand,



whats funny?

elivsvonchiaing

Quite like this one: You're a true skanger if you've ever got off with another skanger get her purse - only to discover later she has your wallet - and you've no idea who the fcuck she is - cos there no credit cards.

And If you don't like this - you work for TV3.
You watch Fair City (Sponsored by TV3

I concede these are only mildly humorous and in no way hilarious.

The moral of the story is just don't post in humour when your depressed

Healio

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

My definition of skanger:
13. You have learned enough Nigerian to negotiate a good price on a batch of 250 card skimmers.

i fcukin love it!!!

elivsvonchiaing

Healio wrote:

i fcukin love it!!!

I seriously felt the need to include Nigerians in this. They (well the non-skangers) really hate the (Nigerian) skangers. OK one doctor does - but I'd imagine all the other non skangers for the same reason he gave. (He didn't have his nose broken - but there was a case of fishing for skimmers :-)

Anyone care to prove he was in the minority?

I think this is a given.

E.g. The story:
"It seemed a day like any other in the village. Then the Muslim militia came - with flame-throwers. I was lucky - but I only I survived. <scars to prove the event> {Assylum Approved}"

The Truth:
"It seemed a day like any other day on the pipeline. That stupid cnut Umoja showed up and he was on his fifth Guinness <remember this is FES>, he was already ghee-eyed and the stupid cnut, forgetting where he was tried to light his cigar. The whole pipeline-gimping operation went up in a flash. I was lucky".

Umoja is still in a burns unit in a prestigious hospital in Zurich courtesy of a bunch of bleeding-heart do-gooders who are now campaigning for an international ban on the export of flame throwers to Nigeria

"Umoja pissed me off with his drunken stupidity - but the muslim militia and flamethrowers was his idea - a genius really"

I seriously believe most of the (Nigerian) skangers got here with such stories!

oddlyaromatic

Well.

There's a coupla minutes I won't see again.

Not a bad effort. Disclaimers don't help. If you don't mean to cause offense, don't say offensive things. If it's obviously a joke nobody will think you're a knob. This read more like a list of things that piss you off than a gag list. Raised a few giggles, but they were few and far between.

gerkiely

I think there are tablets for your condition. I thought this was a humour board ?

Duffman

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

(easily offended D4/D14 types :-)

eh what?

elivsvonchiaing

gerkiely wrote:

I think there are tablets for your condition. I thought this was a humour board ?

No I don't think so. You are thinking of SSRIs (selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitors). These don't get you out of serious debt. Its actually an SSI that I didn't take out that I need right now. This isn't a tablet by the way (Uh God did that sound condescending - all right I probably am a knob )

elivsvonchiaing

I just saw the news about the Nigerian woman who would be stoned to death - if she were repatriated. I feel ****ing awful about this post now - and just hope people will believe me when I swear that I knew nothing of the case when I posted the bit about Nigerian skangers.

elivsvonchiaing

OK I am a knob - but not to that degree

elivsvonchiaing

That was meant to be one of these I'm a knob I can't type and I can't even click on the right icon

feedorf

dont beat urself up about it mate, some of it was actually quite funny, and the nigerian thing is unfortunate, but not a crime.

Naos

God someone wants to add a few posts to their name ....

A hint for ya elvis, never try explain a joke, its not a joke if it needs explaining.. let ppl figure it out. THat post was alrite, bits and bobs, mildly funny, but the one which was funny was the first one, the proposal ..

heffo9

skangers are ugly scumbag bird's!!!!

elivsvonchiaing

griffdaddy wrote:

what? d14 is one of the most mixed post codes in the country

Sorry I missed this before now. I should qualified this with certain D14 types who live behind security gates - like I used to - in D14. I have to concede that was a small sample (of D14) and I really should have left this out.

I've no complaints so far about D4 - so that stays in :cool: