Told the mother

damien

Michael_19 wrote:

PS the friend with the problem, is actually Gay, and has been from along time.

The ad I saw at the top of this forum when reading your post was a google ad about "How to deal with jealous people"

I think google got it right with an ad for a change. He is probably jealous. You seem happy and content and he probably isn't. He should be happy for you and supportive, the little ****. He of all people should know that telling friends this revelation is not the easiest thing to do. Granted some people have bad experiences when they date people of the same sex but it's not the god damned norm, it doesn't interfere with our daily lives. Pity him and enjoy the time with your boyfriend.

Beruthiel

Michael_19 wrote:

He then predicted that I would leave my guy, and that he wouldn't be able to handle it

oh please!
how is this any different from me leaving my ex husband for instance?
sh!t happens to all of us and we all have to deal with it no matter who or what we are!
damien is correct, he is jealous with the fact that you have come to terms with things and he hasn't

Like if i have kids I can't imagine my past sexual experiences being of an important or relavence to them

it won't
how many of us are interested in our own parents past sexual lives? I would say 99.9% of us have no clue nor do we want to!

now I've throw that all away on a fling, without a care

you've taken a risk in order to find happiness, again, all of us have done this at some stage in our lives - I know I have

LegacyUser

damien.m wrote:

The ad I saw at the top of this forum when reading your post was a google ad about "How to deal with jealous people"

I think google got it right with an ad for a change. He is probably jealous. You seem happy and content and he probably isn't. He should be happy for you and supportive, the little ****. He of all people should know that telling friends this revelation is not the easiest thing to do. Granted some people have bad experiences when they date people of the same sex but it's not the god damned norm, it doesn't interfere with our daily lives. Pity him and enjoy the time with your boyfriend.

Bang on, from talking to him, all his male relationships seem to be with people he doesn't like, go as far as to say hates, and all driven on pure physical side of things. Now I turn around and say it's all emotion, its all driven of feelings rather then Lust, for me, and I don't think he can understand that. He also didn't like the way we told him, (we had a skin full at a house party) nor the fact we where kissing infront of him. This despite the fact he never even had the curtessy to tell me he was gay, I found out by accident. The straight friends have been great in contrast, the way that it's almost a non issue. No drama, no have you thought this through ****e. As one friend said " I've never seen you two so happy in my life" he'd know us over 7 years.

O yea and he fannies himself a physiologist/councilor. Thats the degree he's doing anyway. Wanting to kill something after talking to him, I don't think he's going to be that great. He now want's to help my (and his) friends through our homosexuality. I honestly feel emotionally raped by the guy. He got far to much emotion out of me and I feel sick for not getting up and leaving sooner. I'm not going to let the fuker anywhere near my mother.

ixoy

Michael_19 wrote:

He also didn't like the way we told him, (we had a skin full at a house party) nor the fact we where kissing infront of him. This despite the fact he never even had the curtessy to tell me he was gay, I found out by accident.

He's a hypocrite as well? Wow, we're all really warming to him. I'd hazard a guess then that he's upset that you didn't tell him. Regardless of the way you found out about him, he's probably thinking that you know he's gay and therefore that - for some reason - makes his advice more relavent and that you should have approached him. Of course given that your problem is nothing to do with the concept of same-sex relationships, this is patently false but that could be what he's thinking.

O yea and he fannies himself a physiologist/councilor. Thats the degree he's doing anyway. Wanting to kill something after talking to him, I don't think he's going to be that great. He now want's to help my (and his) friends through our homosexuality. I honestly feel emotionally raped by the guy. He got far to much emotion out of me and I feel sick for not getting up and leaving sooner. I'm not going to let the fuker anywhere near my mother.

OK I think you'll need to take a few deep breaths when you see this "friend" again(I think we can use this term "friend" loosely currently). He's being a jerk. He thinks that being gay and being a counsellor gives him sort of amazing insight into relationships. Given what you've told us of him that's laughable - just because you desire to know about/interfere in relationships doesn't make you actually good with them.
What I find most disturbing is this desire by him to "help" you through your homosexuality. Pardon me but why does he think you need help, particularly from someone so unqualified. You appear happy in your relationship and it's noone's business but your own. It's certainly not his to try and make you doubt, or create cracks in it. You're right - he should be happy for you. If he continues to act out like this, tell him he's being an asshole and - if that doesn't work - kick him to the proverbial kerb. His twattish behaviour is something you've no need to bother with.

damien

If the fcknut starts to try and "counsel" you tell him to bacdafucup or you'll report him to his college/course and the local health board for unethical behaviour. He'll back down. I do know of some "counsellors" who think because they did some course that it's their obligation to give you advice whether you need it or not. They are the most dangerous type. Keep well away.

LegacyUser

I was never really that close to the guy, but my boyfriend was at one stage. It was the boyfriend who actually told him, with me present. he was quiet blunt about it, the friend asked what he felt, at which point my guy grabbed my crough, which I found funny. He recons I should have discussed it with him first, that that is how he did it with people one at a time. he came accross as thinking he had a right to know. for me I told people because it was going to become pretty obvious there was something going on, and these are the people that knew us best. He's now forming opinions based on information he interrogated out of me, and is somehow going to use that to help my other friends through all this. fuk that. When we told the other friends, one at a time but all the same night, we hugged each other (the three of us) and each of them said it was abit weird thinking of us together as apposed to being friends, which is understandable, we've been close friends allot longer then we've been together, but that it was great. He just moaned about his own personal feelings and how it efects him. starting to think he had a think for my guy. anyway he also floated the idea I was only doing this because i've gay friends. Yea sure, self important.

If the fcknut starts to try and "counsel" you tell him to bacdafucup or you'll report him to his college/course and the local health board for unethical behaviour. He'll back down. I do know of some "counsellors" who think because they did some course that it's their obligation to give you advice whether you need it or not. They are the most dangerous type. Keep well away.

Yea I've past experience with these counsellors, seem to be the most fuked up individuals I've ever met. counsellor in the past nearly drove the boyfriend to suicide, and he had the exact same mentallity. If he starts counselling my other friends I think I'll have to cut allot of people loose, cause I really don't need this crap.

Rock Climber

Excelent advice here, this lgb board is a brilliant resource
Michael I think you probably know this now, but shut that fcuknut(as Damien rightly describes him) trainee pschologist out of yeer lives altogether.
If he has a problem with that, he has plenty of books he can read to help him deal with it!
Regard him as you would a wasp and don't let him sting you like he has tried to already, he has issues and associating with him is going to drag you down.
Think nothing of any decision you take to avoid him.
Wish you all the best and well done so far by the way.

damien

Rock Climber wrote:

Regard him as you would a wasp and don't let him sting you like he has tried to already

Oooooh I'm going to use that line. That's funky.

LegacyUser

Bit off topic, but does anybody know of places that two guys can be together (hold hands, kiss) in dublin city, without those looks you get off people. I'm tempted to try out some gay bars I know of, but not to sure I really want to be apart of that scene.

LegacyUser

Anybody know what Out on the Liffey is like. Keep hearing thats it slightly shady and abit rough, but I don't know if thats just cause it's on the north side, and if that would be my definition of rough.

Annasopra

I wouldn't reccomend it:

http://www.queerid.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=829&SearchTerms=liffey

http://www.gcn.ie/newgcn/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3013&SearchTerms=liffey

LegacyUser

Christ, If I wanted to get stabbed I'd just go to my local. Reading those replies, I don't think I'll be doing anything with my guy in public for along while.

damien

Go to the front lounge, go to Gubu, go to many of the gay-friendly bars. Out on the Liffey is dog-rough these days.

Annasopra

Michael_19 wrote:

Christ, If I wanted to get stabbed I'd just go to my local. Reading those replies, I don't think I'll be doing anything with my guy in public for along while.

It's just OOTL that's like that, the rest are not like that at all

Dónall

Interesting thread here. It reminded me of myself when I was 19 (16 years ago no less! :eek: ) and had a number of gay affairs. For various reasons I was very open about the fact. Then I moved away from Ireland, had my first "proper" girlfriend at 22 and it's been women ever since.

Thing is I moved back to Ireland just last year and people I hadn't seen in all those years still have me pigeon-holed as "gay" and are almost bothered by the fact that I've been with women all these years. It's hard to explain. I was very open at the time about it and would be happy in the interest of fairness to consider myself bisexual in the great scheme of things, except that I'm frankly only interested in women these days. Tricky.

It's been nice to read people here say they're bi in a relaxed very comfortable way. Now that I'm having to think about the whole issue again ('coz it's hit me in the face a few times since I came back, once in a rather nasty way..) it seems thing have advanced here (in Ireland) in such a way that homosexuality is fine and cool even just so long as it's restricted to an unrealistically neat and easily identifiable sector of the population, like a separate gender or something, with no overlap.

Sexuality is such a multifaceted and moveable feast though.

Anyway, apologies for the rant. The whole theme sparked off something inside me.

And Michael, I do hope things have progressed somewhat since I was your age and that you can feel freer to glide over and back along the spectrum than I did. Good luck.

LegacyUser

If you don't mind me asking what kind of nasty way to it come back at you, angry ex? or self rightous friend?

Dónall

Ah no. Just former schoolmates giving a cousin of mine who went to the same school, hassle about his "poof" cousin being back in Ireland etc (ended up in a fight..) Remember, these are all men in their thirties. Sad....

LegacyUser

Just an update for those interested.

Brother:

I told my brother over a pint in his local. It was though enough to actually tell him, but he took it really well. I was still having problems with my mother at the time, and it was great having a close family member that was ok with it. He didn’t exactly understand, but he was fine with it. I talked though it all with him, and told him everything that happened. I never did have that second clam conversation with my mother about it. My brother offered to talk to my mother on my behalf about it, I said go ahead. I never did find out what was said between them, but things got a little better.

Mother:

Still allot of anger there tbh, Our relationship never returned to normal and now we just live in the same house and occasionally piss each other off. She has the details of my relationship since my brother talked to her, though she doesn’t speak to me about it. The few times she has tried I’ve shut the conversation down. I’m just not prepared for another head fuking session.

Father:

If he doesn’t know by now, he’s an idiot. My mother’s has made enough not so subtle hints. But tbh at this stage I care not if he finds out. If things get bad my brother said I can move in with his family for awhile.

Relationship:

Ups and Downs but I’m still very much in love.

Friends:

Took some great advice and kicked the fuknut friend to the curb. He still sends me and my boyfriend messages every other month, and still tries to get in contact.. I think of him very little.

Thanks for all those that replied. You've no idea how much it ment at the time.

solice

Michael_19 wrote:

Just an update for those interested.

Mother:

Still allot of anger there tbh, Our relationship never returned to normal and now we just live in the same house and occasionally piss each other off. She has the details of my relationship since my brother talked to her, though she doesn’t speak to me about it. The few times she has tried I’ve shut the conversation down. I’m just not prepared for another head fuking session.

Im happy that your brother is cool about it. You just sadi that your mother tried to start talking about it and you shut that down. Maybe you should talk to her about it. Even if it does turn into a shouting match at least ye will be working on the situation. Eventually the shouting matches will be no more and you will be able to talk to her.

Next time she starts talking, let her....

tirl

Michael

as another auld wan like georgina, I would just give your Mum some space to digest what she knows or thinks she knows. I think our attitude has a lot to do with age, and the way we ourselves were brought up and mostly a lack of understanding and of course the good old Catholic Church. I have a brother who is gay and when my Mum now in her 70's first got wind of it it was me she came to, she then did her research without telling him and when she was satisfied she knew enough it was she who approached him, and her attitude was well if this is the way it is meant to be then we will deal with it. She had a very good attitude to it all and didn't see it as a problem and would say at least he hasn't cancer. She treats his BF like her own and even makes jokes like at xmas she says to them I've put an extra special fairy on the tree for you!
But i think he was lucky in that she was open to exploring the situation, I would like to think I would be like that if my son was Gay, but it would only come from understanding and education, after all they are human beings and we are all different.

Take care michael I'm sure she will come round

LegacyUser

I'd rather have teeth pulled then talked to her about it again. I'm at a stage that where I don't need her approval or support on this. I've cut her completely out of my outside life, and letting her back in will only invite pain. I really don't want her to be OK about it, I really don't want her to come to terms with it, I really don't want this "I accept you once I can live in denial" crap. I want her to be happy for me, I pleased that I 've found someone. Talking with her will not get me that, so whats the point.

snappieT

It's crazy how much this situation was like my own, with a sister instead of brother, and the mother & father roles reversed. The dick of a 'friend' was in my situation also.
I told the mother, took it fine. The father remains clueless, and for good reason. Search through LGB threads to find one called 'Love, Depression & Death' - somewhat of a morbid topic, but one started by my friend. His father actually kicked him out of the house (at 15, might I add) when he came out as bi. They have since moved back in together again.

Your mother is not rejecting you, she is rejecting change. Chances are she had a thought of you with a wife & children, and although that still isn't out of the question, it seems much more distant to her. Once she realises that you are happy with a man, and once the initial shock of this huge change has blown away, things will return to normal.

Keep us posted, and best of luck.

LegacyUser

tirl:

She's had over nine months and still reacts badly when ever it becomes obvious I'm going out to meet him, or going away with him. Last time I went away with him I told her I was going away with him to the country, She then asked did I want condoms while my father was within ear shot. I freaked at her with much in the way of swearing. **** her. I don't need another summer of banging my head against a brick wall and getting upset.

snappieT:

I really don't know if she saw me with anyone. The really scary thing is that part of me wonders if it had been a woman, would I be posting all the same stuff over on the PI forum.

snappieT

In my case, and I think this is a logical explanation, I have a younger sister. Should I end up with a guy, the family name would not carry on, however in your scenario, your brother will carry on the family name (should he have childern) - perhaps this is something your mother was hung up on... that if the bro chose not to have kids, she would be left without grandchildren. Point out, perhaps, that you are bi, not gay, and also that having children is a choice, even for those with women.

LegacyUser

He already has kids, two. I told her I wasn't gay, she was so relived. This was after a much hassle so I left her thinking that, while clearly going out with a guy, I've no idea what she thinks I am, but I've no intention of going down the, "it's ok, I'm almost straight" road and giving her this life line to latch onto. I've enough problems with her thinking I'm week minded and being manipulated without her thinking this is all down to him.

tirl

Michael

I would suggest you just leave it for the moment with your Mum. Just don't discuss what you are doing wih her. I know it will be difficult but she knows now so don't beat yourself up about it, as parents we want what we think is best for our kids, but it has to go deeper than what WE want and sometimes we just don't have the answers.

You have to do what you think is the right thing for you, not what you think your Mum want's. You will be fine and in the end you have to be true to yourself. So give yourself some YOU time and don't feel you have to explain everything to anyone

Good Luck
T

lucernarian

Are you (Michael_19) sure you want to live out the rest of your life with you and your mum at each other's throats? By the sounds of the last post, she seems to be pretty ignorant about your sexuality. She's treating you as though you were gay, and very badly at that. Have you explained to her about what your relationship actually entails?

And snappieT made an interesting point there; I'm the only son in the house and should I ever end up in a long-term relationship with a guy, then that's the family name finished. Ah well

LegacyUser

It's less at each others throats and more, I pretend she doesn't have a problem and she pretends I don't have a boyfriend. I'm not going to have a sit down and a heart to heart with the women about my relationship, none of her business tbh. So many lies and secrets kept from me about my parents relationship, I don't think honesty works when it's one way. As for my sexuality, I find it amazingly hard to talk about my sexuality to a person. I've done it maybe three people. One of them was gay, the other Bi and the last was when I was very drunk and slightly stoned. But I'll do it if I feel someone genuinely wants to be informed, not however, when they have an agenda and aren't listening.

damien

To_be_confirmed wrote:

And snappieT made an interesting point there; I'm the only son in the house and should I ever end up in a long-term relationship with a guy, then that's the family name finished. Ah well

I have one male cousin with the same surname as me. He's the only one in Ireland that can preserve that surname if I don't have kids. I think I'll have kids though. Adoption is always an option and the more I mature the more I think it's less about preserving the bloodline and family name and more about loving someone and rearing them to make the world better.

Beruthiel

Michael_19 wrote:

But I'll do it if I feel someone genuinely wants to be informed, not however, when they have an agenda and aren't listening.

It’s a fair point,
after all, who really needs to know, other than potential partners or concerned friends who care about you


have one male cousin with the same surname as me. He's the only one in Ireland that can preserve that surname if I don't have kids.

do you consider that to be still an issue these days Damien?
I've never given it a second thought, but then again I have millions of cousins so perhaps never had to consider it as something of importance.