some good ones I stumbled across today....

vibe666 · 10-08-2004 8:21am #1

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression -expression by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and asked, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" replied the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he explained. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they

were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into
the
deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled
Mary
out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he
immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and
bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained

your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself
withher dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's
dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bob was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Fred, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to a borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

The chicken ran back to the farm, he search and search for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmers new Z-3 series BWW.

Finding the keys inside the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you dont a BMW to pick up chicks.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the power of a woman.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There were 3 sisters from Manchester - Maud, Doris & Fanny who went clubbing every weekend in search of a man. They'd been going to the same club for 6 years, and hadn't had any luck at all!
Maud & Doris were having a chat one night, and decided to put their lack of pulling power down to their sister Fanny, who had absolutely enormous feet.
So one night they went off down the local club without Fanny.
Sure enough after a few minutes Maud & Doris had pulled the most gorgeous blokes in the club!
They invited the lucky lads back to their house for coffee - on the way back one lad said to Maud, "You don't mind me saying, but you 2 sisters have awfully large feet!"

"Large feet", said Doris, "if you think we've got large feet, wait 'til you see our Fanny's!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

and some very quick, but very bad ones:

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In Iraq.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The
barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies,
"Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office:
"There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

robbie1876 · 10-08-2004 12:51pm

haha, quality read

Paladin · 10-08-2004 4:40pm

A truck full of paper clips and folders was stolen yesterday.
Police believe it was the work of organised crime.

vibe666 · 10-08-2004 4:44pm

police arrested two youths on a patch of wasteground this morning. one had been drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

they charged one and let the other one off.

ferdi · 10-08-2004 4:54pm

your a bad bad man

Lozjm · 10-08-2004 4:59pm

old but good

lee_baby_simms · 10-08-2004 5:00pm

vibe666 wrote:

police arrested two youths on a patch of wasteground this morning. one had been drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

they charged one and let the other one off.

sweet and sour jesus

Pugsley · 10-08-2004 5:35pm

Some class ones there

TomTom · 11-08-2004 10:12am

gave me a good laugh

Hagar · 11-08-2004 1:29pm

Great stuff, keep 'em coming

Okie · 11-08-2004 3:51pm

A male and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."

robbie1876 · 11-08-2004 4:38pm

Okie wrote:

A male and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."

Cringetastic