Can men be friends with women..?

Swarfboy

A recent discussion in work where a work colleague suggested that men cannot have "friendships" with women....
He believes that you can have acquaintances with other women but that a true friendship will always end up being sexual whether that be in fantasies or reality.!

Opinions please.

Zulu

I used to believe that, maybe in a way I still do.
For example: I have a very good female friend. We've been friends for years. I never taught I could be interested in her sexually. (She's good looking mind you). Then, one time I was drunk and a little lonley, and, only for very good sence on my part, I would have slept with her.

I think that you can be "just" friends with the other sex... ...if they are butt ugly, otherwise, if the situation is right, and you're lonley, and your drunk, and your feeling frisky...

Beruthiel

Swarfboy
please read the CHARTER regarding threads such as this
moving to after hours
B

Civilian_Target

We've been though this before.

There is a ladder theory, do you believe in it?

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

I sorta do, the stuff about the ladders is good, but I think most men have enough sense that they can be friends anyway, and screwing would only be a bonus....

mcguiver

Has anyone listened to Chris Rocks thoughts on this... he does a whole session on plutonic friends.. I'd quote him but it would have to be censored too much!

Stark

Yeah that theory's as good a reason as any to bring higher brain processes into the equation.

ravenhead

Well I believe you can be just friends, I have close friends that are guys & getting frisky with one another has never been an issue. Having said that I guess I don't know what they say when I'm not around, but I have been drunk with them & nothing has every happened...

BEAT

hoky jebus...can anyone post the count on how many times this question has been posted? Seriously, it seems like I have seen this same thread starter atleast every other month.

To answer for you, yes they can. Not all can mind you, but I have several male friends and thats all we are and ever will be.
I think you know which people of the opposite sex you can be friends with and who you cant from the start, and those you cant, well you are probably being thier friend in hopes that it will turn into something else...which generally backfires

bandraoi

of course men can be just friends with women.
Having occasional sexual thoughst doesn't mean you can't be just friends
even after kissing, fooling around or having sex on a casual basis they can go back to being just friends.

There may be a little bit of sexual tension there, the odd little look or specifically worded comment but that just becomes another aspect of the friendship.

The key is to be relaxed about it and not over analyse these things.

HashSlinging

usually depends on how good looking the friend is im afraid. You could always be very good phucking friends.

AngryBadger

I think men and women can be just friends, but it generally requires more work than with members of the same gender. The sex issue, while I don't think it's over-ruling, we have to acknowledge that it's going to crop up at some point, even if it's only at the end of the nights' last whiskey shot.

The ladder theory is amusing, but in all seriousness I think the people it applies to are not the kind of people anyone wants to be friends with.

Chad ghostal

i think it depends on the people themselves,
some people can get to be very good friends with the opposite sex,
others start to think that the friendship means more.. .
all depends on the situation.. you cant give a black and white answer..
different strokes.

climaxer

Chad ghostal wrote:

i think it depends on the people themselves,
some people can get to be very good friends with the opposite sex,
others start to think that the friendship means more.. .
all depends on the situation.. you cant give a black and white answer..
different strokes.

Totally agree - no black and white answer - a lot of grey inbetween. The only definate way a man and woman could be nothing more than friends is if none of them fancied each other in the slightest. Sometimes it can be just harmless flirting and neither of them would go any further. I had a really good male friend and never fancied or thought of him in a sexual way and didn't think he liked me either but he admitted to me one night he was crazy about me and we kind've lost the friendship then which is a shame because he was a great friend.

Also like ravenhead I have a lot of male friends too who havn't gotten frisky but guess I don't know what they say when I'm not around.

Jim

climaxer wrote:

Totally agree - no black and white answer - a lot of grey inbetween. The only definate way a man and woman could be nothing more than friends is if none of them fancied each other in the slightest. Sometimes it can be just harmless flirting and neither of them would go any further. I had a really good male friend and never fancied or thought of him in a sexual way and didn't think he liked me either but he admitted to me one night he was crazy about me and we kind've lost the friendship then which is a shame because he was a great friend.

Also like ravenhead I have a lot of male friends too who havn't gotten frisky but guess I don't know what they say when I'm not around.

So if a man fancied a girl, they can't be friends?

climaxer

Jimeatsmenu wrote:

So if a man fancied a girl, they can't be friends?

Guess they can be friends but he'll always be hoping for more I presume if he fancies her.

Jim

climaxer wrote:

Guess they can be friends but he'll always be hoping for more I presume if he fancies her.

Not nessecarily.

Ardent

Wasn't this question done in When Harry Met Sally? Can't remember, been a while since I seen it,. Anyway, if I recall correctly, Billy Crystal reckons it's not possible, the sex thing is always hanging in the air. I agree with him, you'll always have one person who's more into the other one than the other one is into the other one. If you get my drift?

stevenmu

climaxer wrote:

Guess they can be friends but he'll always be hoping for more I presume if he fancies her.

I've been friends with plenty of girls, I've fallen for some (but not all) of them but when they weren't interested we just carried on being friends and I've no more interest in them than that. Everybody's different though and it depends how the relationship starts, I think if one person fancies the other from the start then they probably always will but if you start as just friends then you can probably go back to that.

flikflak

Apparently you know which type of relationship you will have with someone within a couple of seconds of meeting them.
I have a few male friends and there is no way I would want to be anything more than friends with them - eeerrruuugghhh perish the thought. Its not that they are ugg monsters just that I dont think of them that way.

climaxer

stevenmu wrote:

I've been friends with plenty of girls, I've fallen for some (but not all) of them but when they weren't interested we just carried on being friends and I've no more interest in them than that. Everybody's different though and it depends how the relationship starts, I think if one person fancies the other from the start then they probably always will but if you start as just friends then you can probably go back to that.

That is true - it really does depend on how the relationship starts.

I just feel that if I fancied a man whom I became good friends with and there was no chance of us being more - I can't guarantee I mightn't fantasise about what could be which is what the original poster asked - fantasy and reality. Guess every situation is different.

stevenmu

Well I am a pretty good judge of character

You either fancy someone when you get to know them, you start to later or else you never do there's no great mystery behind it. What I was thiking of though is a few male friends who've set out to become friends with a girl because they fancied her, which doesn't strike me as a particularly good idea, altough it worked for one of them

pickarooney

The problem is often that as you get to know and like them better (as friends do, generally), you suddenly want more...
Of course it's all just theoretical. Just cause a guy would shag 64% of his work colleagues, doesn't mean he ever will.

climaxer

stevenmu wrote:

Well I am a pretty good judge of character

You either fancy someone when you get to know them, you start to later or else you never do there's no great mystery behind it. What I was thiking of though is a few male friends who've set out to become friends with a girl because they fancied her, which doesn't strike me as a particularly good idea, altough it worked for one of them

Lucky you then cos I'm terrible at judging men's charactors. Wish I could suss them out at the start.

Pickarooney - yes sometimes a person can grow on you and I can't believe its only 64% - only kidding

Basically it really does depend on the two individuals and each time its different.

stevenmu

climaxer wrote:

That is true - it really does depend on how the relationship starts.

I just feel that if I fancied a man whom I became good friends with and there was no chance of us being more - I can't guarantee I mightn't fantasise about what could be which is what the original poster asked - fantasy and reality. Guess every situation is different.

You sound exceptionally tolerant, any girl that's liked me that I haven't liked in return has ended up hating me and tried to exact some form of revenge.

stevenmu

climaxer wrote:

Lucky you then cos I'm terrible at judging men's charactors. Wish I could suss them out at the start.

I've noticed that girls in general seem to have that problem. I think it's because girls tend to be so complicated and ...ahem... a bit f**ked up, they can't accept that guys are (often) completely straightforward. For some reason they just don't want to believe that I'm exactly what I appear to be.

Big Chief

Ardent wrote:

Wasn't this question done in When Harry Met Sally? Can't remember, been a while since I seen it,. Anyway, if I recall correctly, Billy Crystal reckons it's not possible, the sex thing is always hanging in the air. I agree with him, you'll always have one person who's more into the other one than the other one is into the other one. If you get my drift?

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.



yeh it was on the ladder theory page if you looked ^

as for being friends, yeh it can happen, i have a few women friends but i also stay with the girlfriend and i have no intention of ever wanting to take it any further with the friends.. we do flirt and stuff but its all harmless fun from both sides, shes prolly more dirty than i am to be fair so we get along just great that way.

Besides im quite happy with what ive got, i had'nt seen that ladder theory in ages so thanks to whoever posted it, had a nice chuckle over it again, although it is not completely true the way it is wrote tends to make me laugh a fair bit and at times he even speaks some sense :P

Selik

To be honest I'm not so sure Men and Women can be just friends, at least in my case anyway.

For example, I have loads of great friends but most of them tend to be guys. Why? Because I prefer the company of guys in terms of just hanging out and having a laugh and waffling sh*t etc (not in a gay way!)... Of course I have friends who are female as well and some of them are damn attractive but stuff has always happened whether it be me attracted to them or vice-versa. I tend to actively hang out with girls I fancy more because I WANT to get to know them better and possibly have something special with them. If this doesn't happen or the possibilty becomes remote (from my point of view) I tend to drift away from them coz if there's nothing sexual there I'm much happier and more comfortable in the company of my close male friends. I'll still see them around or with other friends but I never feel the urge to get close to them again. Of course I'm not saying that I can't be friends with a girl I'm not attracted to but for some reason I never seem to have a close friend of this nature. I guess when I do get close to a girl I'm attracted to I just always seem to want more and sometimes the feeling it mutual. When it's not I just feel that things have run it's course a bit and the spark dwindles and sometimes dies. I'm a romantic at heart and if I come across as shallow in this post I apologize as this is not the case. I think I speak for most guys when I state that we've all been in situations where we've agonised over whether to spill our hearts out to someone we're falling for or to make a move. There's NO worse feeling than actions of this nature not being reciprocated. At the moment I'm in the middle of such a dilemma but I'm not going to go into it here as it's more suited to the Personal Issues forum then here....

Haha if things don't clear up soon I may even resort to the PI board for some unbiased advice and opinions!!! Gonna stop typing now before this turns into a serious waffle!

theciscokid

Civilian_Target wrote:

We've been though this before.

There is a ladder theory, do you believe in it?

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

I sorta do, the stuff about the ladders is good, but I think most men have enough sense that they can be friends anyway, and screwing would only be a bonus....

interesting site i like this bit lol..

Another thing to watch out for is the code words women use. Here is a translation guide for dealing with women.

Says: I want a man who is motivated and has goals.
Means: I want a rich man

Says: I want a man who knows how to treat a woman.
Means: I want a rich man

Says: He's from a really good family.
Means: He's from a really rich family.

I'm sure you get the point. Let's move on.

Naos

One word: Sexbuddies

simu

There's probably some sexual element to all human relationships but it gets suppressed in most cases as it's more hassle than it's worth. Don't worry about it!

angeldelight

I think you can be if you want it to be but I think its practically impossible to stay friends with an ex....usually one partner will be upset about it even if they cover it up

Iago

I'm not convinced that it's possible for MEN to be friends with WOMEN, men as a rule are weak willed and even though they know that they risk friendships etc, this won't stop them from attempting to bring a sexual element to a friendship. This combined with the fact that generally men won't start a friendship with a woman unless there is an attraction there on their parts leads to potential problems. We just can't help ourselves it's part of our prime programming preservation of the human race loosely translated as "sleep with as many women as possible, as often as you can" How can you form a friendship when your genetic makeup is working against you, and add into that the fact that if you do build up a friendship then that means you are also bonding on an emotional and mental level which increases the thoughts of who good you could be together + the aforementioned weaknesses = trouble

theciscokid

Iago wrote:

This combined with the fact that generally men won't start a friendship with a woman unless there is an attraction there on their parts leads to potential problems

A very valid point indeed

ven0m

Swarfboy wrote:

A recent discussion in work where a work colleague suggested that men cannot have "friendships" with women....
He believes that you can have acquaintances with other women but that a true friendship will always end up being sexual whether that be in fantasies or reality.!

Opinions please.

Quintessentially that's true....... the old spank bank is well & truly full - LOL....hehehehehe


::: ven0mous :::

CathyMoran

What is the problem with men and women being friends? Most of my friends are male. Yes I have fancied some of them at times but i've moved on from that. It really bugs me when people slag you over the fact that you are friends with guys - what is the big deal?

pork99

What's a bit freaky is if a woman friend feels relaxed enough with you to change her clothes in front of you. Well it's a bit freaky if you fancy her even a little bit. (cf. "I Wish I was Queer so I could get Chicks" The Bloodhound Gang, 1996)

Still if thats the case you just get a good look and save the sight in your mind for later when you are alone and it is convenient (ok I'm a sad sad sad little man)

Doodee

its instinct. Or as someone already said, the Ladder theory.

Unless you find the woman unattractive then you will rpolly not want to shag them.
If a woman finds a guy attractive, they cant deny having thoughts, and more than likely, say no if the opportunity arises.

Thats my belief as of late anyways.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

is it wrong to want to shag your friends?


does it take away from the friendship that one person finds the other attractive?

Doodee

depends on the relationshp. If its an honest,confidant type then prolly.Alot of people are devious by nature, and I've seen more than a fair share of "friends" screwing over someone else to get with someone.

but like i said, its instinct and nothingmuch can be done about it.

Then again, some people have more important things to think about then Sex Sex SEx

seamus

That ladder theory is a load of my arse. Sounds like the ravings of a disgruntled 25-year-old trying to ratonalise why none of his female friends will **** him. It couldn't because he smells and talks ****e, it's because he's not rich!

:rolleyes:

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

seamus.. are you a feminist?

arbeitsscheuer

angeldelight wrote:

I think you can be if you want it to be but I think its practically impossible to stay friends with an ex....usually one partner will be upset about it even if they cover it up

Spot on, absolutely SPOT ON... At least for me.

A few months back, I went out wit this girl for bout a week, having been great mates for ages before then. Suddenly she changed her mind, and wanted to go back to being just mates. I tried to cover it up for a few months, but then I told her straight that if I couldn't be her boyf than I didn't want to be mates. (Jesus, I'm a complete b*stard. I didn't realise until I typed it here in front of me. What a git.) Anyway, since then I've realised my mistake and how stupid I was, but she doesn't wanna know. Smart girl. (I wouldn't f*kin be friends wit me)

Right now I'm in a situation where my gf broke up wit me a few days ago, and since then we've been tryin to be mates and that in college (both in UCD... as is that previous ex... same faculty and everythin... gettin crowded). But to be honest I never stop thinkin' of her as more than just a friend. She's moved on (too exceptionally quick for my liking) but I sure as hell haven't.

*As you can probably see from this unnecessarily long post, I appear to suffer from split-personality disorder. (Bugger)

LoneGunM@n

I believe that it is possible for a bloke to be just friends with a girl on a purely platonic level, but it does take a bit of work!!

I have a female friend, who I'd regard as one of my best friends & I don't have any sexual feelings for her. To be totally honest, she's very attractive and when I started hanging out with her I was attracted to her, but I avoided temptation ... but I guess in hindsight I only avoided temptation because of the fact that I was and still am in a loving relationship.

Therefore, I appear to be disagreeing with my original point ... but that being said, I have other female friends with whom I have a plutonic frienship!!

I suppose what I'm really saying is that blokes can be just friends with girls, but in some cases we need a deterant to prevent us from trying to be anything further!

One further point I like to make is, why is it that when people see a bloke and a girl together they instinctively that they're either a couple/or having an affair ... which is made worse when the person doing the seeing is a friend of your current partner ... this occurence has happened to me more than once & nearly destroyed my current relationship!! p.s. It was me nearly doing the breaking up, 'cause I couldn't handle her friends spreading rumours about me :mad: