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Some funnies for you

  • 17-09-2004 12:06pm
    #1
    climaxer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 492 ✭✭


    Subject: Great Truths...

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus.


    SUCCESS:
    At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
    At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
    At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
    At age 35 success is . . . having money.
    At age 50 success is . . . having money.
    At age 60 success is . going all the way.
    At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
    At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


    A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
    examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
    pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
    silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
    "Quit looking out the windoAw! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes,
    of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

    Subject: FW: top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics


    Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

    A man visited a psychiatrist because he felt he was having severe problems with his sex life.

    The psychiatrist probed, queried, puzzled and dialogued, but didn't seem to be getting any closer to a clear picture of the problem. Finally, on a long shot, he asked, "Do you watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

    "Sometimes. Well, once," the man replied.

    "Only once? Do you remember what she looked like at the time?"

    "Actually, she looked… well, angry. It’s hard to talk about."

    At this the psychiatrist felt that he was finally getting somewhere. He said, "I’m glad you’re beginning to open up. I understand that this must be difficult for you, but if you really want to get better we must amplify the details of this incident. Now tell me, you say that you have only looked into your wife's face once during sex, and that she looked angry. I know it's painful, but try to reconstruct the incident in your mind.

    Good.

    So what were the precise circumstances during which you saw her angry face that time you were having sex?"

    "She was watching us through the window."

    How to shower like a woman: Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out off shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like A Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your knob and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Make fart noises ( real or artificial ) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry-off. Fail to notice water on floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.


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