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24 things that make you feel manly. - class
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21-09-2004 9:58am24 things that make you feel like a man
> > >>
> > >>1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it
> > >>from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she
> > >>loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
> > >>
> > >>2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but
> > >>even saying it to kids makes you the man.
> > >>
> > >>3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks?
> > >>Weak. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the
> > >>game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling
> > >>the man. Magic.
> > >>
> > >>4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,
> > >>is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a
> > >>sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
> > >>
> > >>5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines
> > >>driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your
> > >>rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
> > >>noisy destruction.
> > >>
> > >>6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,
> > >>slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint
> > >>in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door,
> > >>saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone
> > >>else struggles to catch up with you. , you're hard.
> > >>
> > >>7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to
> > >>stir paint with.
> > >>
> > >>8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife
> > >>wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.
> > >>"Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
> > >>
> > >>9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
> > >>have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other
> > >>hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
> > >>sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does
> > >>it look like.
> > >>
> > >>10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all
> > >>it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've
> > >>not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but
> > >>someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
> > >>
> > >>11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than
> > >>you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling
> > >>while smoking a cig? Superb.
> > >>
> > >>12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
> > >>Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I
> > >>set off car alarms.
> > >>
> > >>13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you.
> > >>It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your
> > >>mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't
> > >>know that.
> > >>
> > >>14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist
> > >>issue, apparently.
> > >>Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
> > >>
> > >>15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or
> > >>breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing"
> > >>to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
> > >>
> > >>16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
> > >>
> > >>17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have
> > >>little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see
> > >>how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,
> > >>we'll make do with the aisles.
> > >>
> > >>18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its
> > >>for paying the plumber later but with that much cash
> > >>you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is
> > >>peeling notes off the roll later.
> > >>
> > >>19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
> > >>birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep.
> > >>Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
> > >>Seven.
> > >>See ya."
> > >>
> > >>20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.
> > >>Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no
> > >>reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds
> > >>best driver.
> > >>
> > >>21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time,
> > >>men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?
> > >>So, when it's over we can stand there in silence,
> > >>surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
> > >>gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
> > >>Aaaah.
> > >>
> > >>22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
> > >>especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off,
> > >>nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
> > >>
> > >>23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips?
> > >>For that? Are you mad, bint?"
> > >>
> > >>24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code
> > >>that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge,
> > >>long man-sized dump.0
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