Today's Jokes - Some 18+

Hagar · 23-09-2004 4:49pm #1

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too. By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!" The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin." "What's a penguin?" he asks. The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man. He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday.
He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes.
He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?" The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night." Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already." "That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded." "Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed. He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?" The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
What's that?" he asks. She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

A Cavan Wedding.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Gardai got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. "Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."