Treat them Mean keep them Keen? Or am I too harsh?

ShiverinEskimo

WHile responding to another thread i got a point across that when it comes to getting with someone sometimes the chase is as good as the catch and that humans only want what they think they can't have.

Am I too harsh or is this the cruel reality of it all?

MrNuked

To some extent I think you're right.
If you concentrate too much on your partner, and not enough on yourself, you'll become less interesting to them. You may even start to smother them, in which case they will want space. This can be hard to understand to the person being so nice. "Why does she want space?, I'm doing everything I can for her"

I was thinking about this sort of thing a bit. I imagined an emotional connection as being like a chain connecting two people. You need to tug on the chain just a little in order for it to be felt.

The worst thing you can do is to neglect yourself for someone, and it is not really the best thing for your partner*. You are also empowering them with all this attention, which will make it easier for them to LEAVE.

*(They'd prefer it if you empowered yourself and thus made yourself more attractive. If they say the opposite, it is only because if you do that it will make them less secure).

The best thing is to maintain a balance of power in the relationship. Treating them mean probably does make them keen, but it also reduces them and makes them less interesting, so unless you're just on a power trip, it's not a smart way to play.

ShiverinEskimo

Perfection in a thread. Nice one MrNuked - my sentiments exactly.

Unpossible

it seems true, maybe its a kind of holy grail thing. I never really liked the keep them mean thing. I wouldnt try it, its easier for me to be nice to ppl i go out with. Other people though

Stark

I definitely find clinginess in a guy to be very off-putting. Don't want someone who's mean, but it's nice when someone is their own interesting person who you get to chase after. And the space thing, once you find you "need space", that's it, the relationship doesn't go further, you never wash off the reaction you get when you see a guy as a "wuss". It's harsh, but that's the way of the heart/hormones.

Even when it comes to chatting someone up, you can't let them know conciously that they're been "chatted up". It's much better for someone to feel they're just having a friendly chat with someone and have things progress "naturally". The 2 steps forward, 1 step back technique can be useful.

Beruthiel

ShiverinEskimo
please read the CHARTER regarding threads such as this one
off to After Hours
B

pickarooney

I heard a quote from a guy yesterday who said some thing like:
There are only two important parts to every relationship, the conquest and the breakup. Everything else is just filler.

Smellyirishman

Personally I think its way too harse.

This involves playing mind games and calculating your "control" on the relationship, WTH do you want that!

A relationship should be fun and spontaneous and not some mathmatical conquest to see how long you can "win"

I dont play games with my GF, I talk to her, play with her, go out with her, I do everything with her and I find it fun to them them with her. I dont feel like she is smothering me and I dont feel like I am pushing myself on her.

If that was the case then maybe you just dont like each other! You have not "lost"!

If this is how you are in relationships then both the "conquest" and the "break-up" will be meet in your relationship (which you are in quite a considerable one) . Because you will not win the battle forever, eventually something will throw you off and that will be the breaking point.

Just have fun with her and stop playing stupid mind games to stay ahead, if your not being casual around your GF (future wife) then where the hell do you go to get a break!!

Quit the games and just treat her normally, if she doesnt like who you are then tough but im sure it isnt much more fun having to calculate all your moves in a "relationship"

MrNuked

It doesn't necessarily mean playing mind games. My point was that you need to pay attention to yourself as well as to your partner, and that a little bit of space keeps the relationship fresh. That's not playing mind games.
How long have you been with your gf? If you haven't been with her at least 6 months then of course there is no danger of getting bored, and too much attention is unlikely to feel smothering when things are new anyway.

tck

In fairness some people just treat their g/f mean anyway, they don't plan it , it's just in their nature and it seems to work out very well for the relationship. I always stand there wondering why does she take that ****.

I wouldn't even know where to start to be mean, it happens naturally - i think just being yourself is the best thing you can do.

I think relationships can really work if your partner and you have something good in common like sports or hobbies (computers) as such because the hardest part is when that 'honeymoon' period is over and you start to see if this person is right for you.

Treating your partner mean on purpose will probably just backfire, if you have to act it out or whatever you want to call it, you're gonna be in trouble down the line.

Bunnyefey

I went out with a guy for 4 years who definetly treated me mean, but he had other stuff going on and it resulted in him taking it all out on me because I was the only person he cared about. Now, I do feel sorry for him in that respect but for me, after 4 years, you need to feel special and loved. So I left, got with another guy who was wickedly cool and laid back, just like me.

In that respect, he couldn't even try to treat me mean because we were too much alike. Both didn't cling to one another because we were equally comfortable with the other person. Its all a case of finding someone you click with. If someones gonna treat their partner badly then theres something seriously wrong. In most cases its a control thing and the person is preying on a weaker individual. Not a real nice thing to do really. I've been the weak person and Im damned if another partner would treat me mean to keep me Keen again. Doesn't mean a guy/girl has to be overly attentive or romantic of whatever, just means that they should treat their partner with respect.

loud_noise

i think it depends on the person, if ya treat someone too mean, or esp if ya ignore them, they will move onto someone else.... then you'll end up wanting them back... vicious circle, isnt it??!

Smellyirishman

MrNuked wrote:

It doesn't necessarily mean playing mind games. My point was that you need to pay attention to yourself as well as to your partner, and that a little bit of space keeps the relationship fresh. That's not playing mind games.
How long have you been with your gf? If you haven't been with her at least 6 months then of course there is no danger of getting bored, and too much attention is unlikely to feel smothering when things are new anyway.

Been with her 2 and a half years, does that count?

If you have to keep your self in check then the relationship just isnt working, just be how you want to be around her and if she doesnt like you then tough.

If I want to see my GF I dont think "Hum I was down there yesterday for hours and the night before I stayed over, maybe I should not go down today"

I think "Hey, lets go down to hey GF, had a good laugh with her yesterday and the day before so maybe today ill bring her out somewhere and we can have fun"

The day you stop wanting to see her is the day to move on

ShiverinEskimo

Smellyirishman wrote:

The day you stop wanting to see her is the day to move on

Thats a bit drastic. People who live with each other and stuff need space. Its the going away and missing someone and then being happy to see each is another goodpart of a relationship. I've seen so many relationships fail (including one of mine) because of two people living in each other's pockets. Lads nights out and girls nights out is in many cases the little time away from each other that is required to maintain interest.

And everyone here at some stage has played a game or not been entirely honest with their better halves at some stage. Human nature as far as i'm concerned.

This thread is going to be the end of me...
:eek:

Smellyirishman

Yes I agree that nights out with the lads or whatever IS needed, but I mean when your just staying away from her because she is smothering you, or you feel like you see her too often, that is what I ment by not wanting to see her.