The six affairs

kleefarr

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,
they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm .
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
" Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
I didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying prat! You've been playing golf!".



The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted.. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!



The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said,
and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."


The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
" How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender
replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."



The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must
confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Exterminator

Was the last one a brendon grace joke by any chance?
All very good

kleefarr

Exterminator wrote:

Was the last one a brendon grace joke by any chance?

Not sure, it may have been.

stagolee

number 4 is absolutley brilliant

Flukey

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from
another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's. "Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimers and the other Mrs.
Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's ."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Well, normally yes. But your insurance won't pay for these very
expensive tests more than once in a year so unless you can afford it, we can't repeat the test until next year."
"I can't afford to pay myself! Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"I recommend that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

Flukey

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, as in other years, I have tried to seduce you 365 times, I have succeeded 36 times. This is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

It's too hot: 27 times
I'm too tired: 60 times
It's too early: 49 times
It's too late: 43 times
Pretending to be asleep: 29 times
Wrong time of the month: 12 times
You had to go to the toilet: 37 times
There was something on the telly: 39 times
You didn't want to frighten the neighbours: 33 times

During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you told me to hurry up and get on with it, 23 times you just lay there and 5 times I had to wake you up to tell you it was all over. Once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move and once you mentioned the crack in the ceiling.

Darling, is it any wonder I have taken to drink.

Your loving Husband.

###############################

To My Dear Husband,

I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the real reasons why you did not get more 'nibbles' than you did:

You came home blitzed: 102 times
You didn't come home at all: 29 times
You didn't come: 14 times
Went soft before you got in: 18 times
Working late: 49 times
United were on Match Of The Day: 9 times
You fell asleep on the stairs: 11 times
In a fight and got kicked in the 'chookies': 2 times
Brewers droop: 95 times

Of all the times we did get it together the reason I lay still was because you missed. The time you felt me move was because you let off and I was trying to breath. By the way, I never mentioned the crack in the ceiling, I actually said "Do you want me on my back or kneeling?" However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their nice representative has been seeing me most afternoons.

Your Very Happy Wife.

Balls Of Steel

excellent