Lone parents and dating!

SweetAngora

Hi there, as a lone parent to a wonderful 8 year old son I find the dating scene quite daunting. My son reguarly asks "when will I get a Dad so that you don't have to work all the time and can spend time with me", breaks my heart and oh the guilt!! Personally, it would be nice to have the support of a partner but I'm so used to it just being me and my son against the world that I find it difficult to imagine someone else included in that. On the flip side I guess guys aren't always too keen to become involved with lone parents and that I can totally understand. Does anyone have any opinions on this?

dahamsta

I would've been daunted by someone with a kid a few years ago, not so much now I have my own. Funny too that when you're single at my age with a kid, women don't have a problem with it at all, in fact if anything they're chick magnets. Pity I don't see more of mine.

Anyway, none of that's any help to you and neither is the rest directly, I just wanted to point out what's probably obvious to you already, just in case: Make sure your son isn't under any illusions. I'm not exactly your bog standard dad and neither is my youngfella, but all my ex has to do is kiss a guy in front of him and he's telling me that she's "getting married again". I don't think that's very healthy personally and I try to explain it to him "man to man", but it would be a lot better coming from her.

It probably goes without saying that you shouldn't go looking for a partner just for the sake of your son either. If you're comfortable the way you are, you shouldn't go spoiling it. I do think kids need a father figure, but it doesn't have to be a "dad" per se, even a male friend that treats him authoritatively would probably have the same result. If you can find one...

HTH,
adam

SweetAngora

I'm very lucky in that I have great family support, my brother lives with us and is a good solid male influence in my son's life so he's not lacking anything in that respect. I think because we've come so far just the two of us and we've done well on our own that I don't feel he needs a "dad" around, that maybe my own selfishness because I feel like I've done all the hard work!!

As for looking for a partner just for the sake of my son, that's something I've never done, although I would be more critical and cautious when I meet someone because of my son, but I have only once introduced a guy I was seeing to my son.....and like you said about your ex.......he kept asking if this person was going to be his Dad, that frightened the life out of me and the poor guy!!

Ruthie

Peter.Buckley

Hey There,
I remeber seeing someone with a child a while back, and i remember the little girl thought that iwas going to be her Dad. Now That can be scarey for a guy depending mostly on his age and experience.

I do know people that are in this sort of thing, and they seem to do well.
At least when you do meet a guy and he is aware of the situation and DOES stay around, then you will know that He Is For real.

Peter

SweetAngora

Thanks for the words of wisdom guys! It's good to get the male side of the coin! I guess the next step is to actually go out there and meet someone, scrape my self off the shelf

Beruthiel

my sister was a lone parent for the first 9 years of her daughters life.
her daughter used to go around asking strangers if they would like to be her Dad, like yourself, any b/f who was introduced to her would be asked if he was going to be her Dad, my poor sis used to be morto, but sure what can you do, kids will be kids and life is simple in their eyes.
my sis got engaged last year.
there are many men out there who will have no problem with you having a kid, the right one will come along eventually, just keep putting yourself out there till it happens.

Ba_barbaraAnne

It's very hard to date. I'm divorced and on my own with 3 boys. They don't want a dad (they see theirs regularly) but they want me to be happy. However, it's so long since I dated that I wouldn't know where to start! I've made a good life for us and I'd love someone to share my life with, but am wary of trying again with anyone and don't want casual relationships which would be bad for the kids. Catch 22 situation I feel!

Rozabeez

my mam is a Widow with 4 children (eldest 28 youngest 14) i got really upset when she started going out again but i suppose if i had been younger it would have been easier

StRiKeR

SweetAngora, I can feel how you feel, except I'm in a different situation, my ex and I have our son when she just about 20, and after a yr, she decided to break up with me and give up our son for adoption I couldnt stop her, I had a big fight with her, and at the end, she showed me this booklet which stated very cleared that I have no rights to stop her as we were not married!

anyway her parents wanted to take our baby! she didnt want to give our son to her parents, I dunno why, but I managed to talk her into giving our son to her parents, so I can see him, but then things gone very bad, they telling him that they are mammy and daddy! I couldnt tell myself everything will be fine and go visit him, but I do go visit just not as much as I originally intended as I am very upset about this whole thing, its twisted!

but after 3 yrs, he begins to realise somthing about me, atleast I hope so, he called me daddy 3 times! but this yr he doesn't call me daddy anymore, I dont know why!

at christmas I wont be there, as she's there with her boyfriend, and her parents! they are like a family but I was like just somebody joining them!

Guilt, sadness and whatever world I can use to speak my feelings, I dont know, I hate them so much!

its not hard for me to get time to meet someone, but I dont feel like meeting anyone!

P.S. sorry for going off the subject

ykt0di9url7bc3

Peter.Buckley wrote:

Hey There,
I remeber seeing someone with a child a while back, and i remember the little girl thought that iwas going to be her Dad. Now That can be scarey for a guy depending mostly on his age and experience.

I do know people that are in this sort of thing, and they seem to do well.
At least when you do meet a guy and he is aware of the situation and DOES stay around, then you will know that He Is For real.

Peter

It can be scarey for both sides but keep it slow and keep calm, as kids generally have plenty of surprises...

and if you keep things simple for the kids they may grow up and figure out the little things on their own, and subsequently gain a little wisdom and maybe more respect for the parents (biological or not)...

My mother scourned the respect I had for my father's relationship, even if it was the one that broke the marraige, but I hope she realises soon that if I am to respect and support her in a currunt relationship I must respect what my father holds dear aswell...

again keeping things simple worked for me

cajun_tiger

i'm a singel mum and i couldn't include a guy in my little girls life.. she tells me she doesn't want a daddy because all boys make her mammy cry. and when her mammy cry's do does she...
i see men and have had boyfriends that promised never to leave once they got involed ... lets just say that my little girl is right she's seen me cry to much.

StRiKeR

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm a singel mum and i couldn't include a guy in my little girls life.. she tells me she doesn't want a daddy because all boys make her mammy cry. and when her mammy cry's do does she...
i see men and have had boyfriends that promised never to leave once they got involed ... lets just say that my little girl is right she's seen me cry to much.

the right person hasnt come along yet, dont give up on it, everybody needs somebody, and theres always someone out there for everyone!

have faith in it and it's gonna happen when its time!

doh.ie

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm a singel mum and i couldn't include a guy in my little girls life.. she tells me she doesn't want a daddy because all boys make her mammy cry. and when her mammy cry's do does she...
i see men and have had boyfriends that promised never to leave once they got involed ... lets just say that my little girl is right she's seen me cry to much.

Wound up here from a link on another thread. Mucho depressing though...
Hang in there, Cajun - Striker's right, the right guy is out there who'll love you and your daughter, and make you both very happy.

dahamsta

Have to admit that I haven't paid enough attention to this thread, but this made me feel very... well, not so much sad, but empathetic...

Beruthiel wrote:

her daughter used to go around asking strangers if they would like to be her Dad

I don't feel sorry for this little girl, but I do feel for her. The sweety.

adam

dahamsta

SweetAngora wrote:

I'm very lucky in that I have great family support, my brother lives with us and is a good solid male influence in my son's life so he's not lacking anything in that respect. I think because we've come so far just the two of us and we've done well on our own that I don't feel he needs a "dad" around, that maybe my own selfishness because I feel like I've done all the hard work!!

But that's fine SA, that's what I was talking about anyway. Your brother may not be the childs "dad", but he is acting as a "father figure", which is the important thing in my view. (It probably sounds terribly sexist, but I'm afraid I think kids should have both female and male role models.)

As for looking for a partner just for the sake of my son, that's something I've never done, although I would be more critical and cautious when I meet someone because of my son, but I have only once introduced a guy I was seeing to my son.....and like you said about your ex.......he kept asking if this person was going to be his Dad, that frightened the life out of me and the poor guy!!

Heh, the poor bloke. But, well, as long as you're clear about that's what he's signing up for, well, that's what he's signing up for. Me, I'd give anything to be able to share a partner's children right now, but I'm the exception to the rule (I guess). You're not looking at a very large pool of men I'm afraid, but hey, I get people telling me all the time that the right woman will be along any minute now, and I'm a big tubby mofo so my pool caint be all that large either.

On that subject, don't you want to shove the heads of people that say that down the toilet?

adam

climaxer

dahamsta wrote:

You're not looking at a very large pool of men I'm afraid, adam

I used to think like that too being a single Mother but my Aunt made me think twice and said put it this way for every single Mother in this country there has to be a single Father - I mean all the single mammies here hardly got pregnant on their own! So the way I see it is even though a lot of the time the woman is left holding the baby, there are a lot of men out there who have kids whether they are supporting them or not. There are two sides to every story and I'm not putting down these men but it is easier for the Dad to move on and date but personally I wouldn't change my situation and adore being a Mammy. Also Adam you sound really nice so don't be worrying about girls not being into you just cos the way you look. It can be frustrating and lonely at times but the right person will come along for us all.

My Mam was 11 when she met my step dad and I rarely was introduced to any men she dated as she didn't want to confuse me. My male role model would've been my Grandad (he still is) and my uncles. She is now married to my stepdad for 13 years and very happy. He loves my kids like his own and is a brilliant Grandad to them. There can be happy endings

cajun_tiger

there are nice guys greatt guys but usually they've stayed with their partners... i know one great guy and he's in my life at the mo..doesn't mean he'll ever be my girls dad step dad pretend dad or anything he'll just be him...

StRiKeR

but there are also great guys out there who stays with thier partner but she doesnt wants to stays with him as she wants something different again!

cajun_tiger

very true

shiv

I've been reading through all the posts on this thread and I have to say I really feel for all the single parents out there at the minute, trying to get back into the dating scene. I'm currently involved with a guy who has an 11-year old son, and it can be tough from the other side as well. It's incredibly daunting and challenging, and you really have to re-think your whole ideas of what you think a relationship should be, because you have to be flexible and understanding. It also takes a lot of security in yourself to keep things in perspective and deal with the mother of the child, even if it's only peripheral. These are possibly some of the reasons some people steer clear of people with kids, and up until a few years ago I would have run the other way.

Once you're in the situation however, it's a whole different story. I met my partner's son after we had been together for about four months, and he is absolutely wonderful, and we get on fab. I strongly believe this type of scenario, which seems to be more frequent everywhere you look, really teaches you a lot about yourself, and helps you grow as a person. The only drawback is the possible loss of that extra person should the relationship disintegrate, but I guess everything in life is a risk...

climaxer

shiv wrote:

I've been reading through all the posts on this thread and I have to say I really feel for all the single parents out there at the minute, trying to get back into the dating scene. I'm currently involved with a guy who has an 11-year old son, and it can be tough from the other side as well. It's incredibly daunting and challenging, and you really have to re-think your whole ideas of what you think a relationship should be, because you have to be flexible and understanding. It also takes a lot of security in yourself to keep things in perspective and deal with the mother of the child, even if it's only peripheral. These are possibly some of the reasons some people steer clear of people with kids, and up until a few years ago I would have run the other way.

Once you're in the situation however, it's a whole different story. I met my partner's son after we had been together for about four months, and he is absolutely wonderful, and we get on fab. I strongly believe this type of scenario, which seems to be more frequent everywhere you look, really teaches you a lot about yourself, and helps you grow as a person. The only drawback is the possible loss of that extra person should the relationship disintegrate, but I guess everything in life is a risk...

Nice to see it from the other side Shiv and well done for the way you're handling the situation. There is a section on Rollercoaster for stepparents if you're interested:

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/forum.asp?GroupID=42&forumdb=2

Just wondering do any of the other single parents prefer to date someone who has a child. I'm thinking along that track. I feel maybe if he's been through the heartache of a break-up and "really knows" what its like being separated from the other parent of your child that maybe he'd have a better understanding of how you feel and how to handle the situation.

shiv

Hi Climaxer, thanks for your response and the link. It still is a tough situation to navigate, sometimes I find it hard when trying to give an opinion on things that go on, because my partner's son is not my child, and while this is obviously true and important, I don't see how it should stop me from voicing my feelings about certain things that go on, especially if it's where I live as well. My question would be, how do you know where to draw the line, to given an opinion on something you feel strongly about, or just say nothing? A couple of times I've been told, "you're not a parent," so basically I don't have a right to say anything, and while this is is true to a point and you have to really go through it to understand it, I don't think it's entirely fair either..Any thoughts?

climaxer

shiv wrote:

Hi Climaxer, thanks for your response and the link. It still is a tough situation to navigate, sometimes I find it hard when trying to give an opinion on things that go on, because my partner's son is not my child, and while this is obviously true and important, I don't see how it should stop me from voicing my feelings about certain things that go on, especially if it's where I live as well. My question would be, how do you know where to draw the line, to given an opinion on something you feel strongly about, or just say nothing? A couple of times I've been told, "you're not a parent," so basically I don't have a right to say anything, and while this is is true to a point and you have to really go through it to understand it, I don't think it's entirely fair either..Any thoughts?

No probs for the link - you should get some good advice over there and it's a great place to vent if you need to which I'm sure you do now and then. It is hard enough being a parent and I'd say its almost harder being the step parent as you probably feel you have to earn the childs love etc. which really is the case. I have a stepdad myself and it took us both quite a while to bond. I did the "you're not my father" line a few times and he was equally as childish back but we both eventually bonded and we get on great (most of the time).

"A couple of times I've been told, "you're not a parent," so basically I don't have a right to say anything, and while this is is true to a point and you have to really go through it to understand it, I don't think it's entirely fair either..Any thoughts?" - I agree with you and can see both sides i.e. your partner and your own. I really think all family situations are different and you need to discuss it with your partner and ask him exactly how he sees you with regards his son. He cannot expect you to keep giving yourself to the situation without earning any respect or getting anything back from himself and his child. What used to work for our family when myself and my stepdad would have a disagreement is I would say to him to look at the situation from my side and I would do the same and imagine I was in his shoes. This worked and we also agreed that we had one person who we didn't want to upset and that was my Mam/his wife and we agreed that we could at least try our best for her sake and not have her being piggy in the middle. His child is 11 yrs old - my daughter is 11 and would understand this if I explained it to her. Sorry not much help really and best of luck.

shiv

Thanks Climaxer, it's even trickier when you're not an "official" step-parent, but just a partner or girlfriend. You've got less room to manoeveur. I think at this point my partner's son and I have built up a bond, and a good one, but it's still tough to know what I can say or not. I guess you just have to keep the communication lines open and take it as it comes, because there's no guidebook for this type of thing. The only thing I would say in favour of dating someone with a child if you have a child yourself, is you know how heartbreaking it would be should you go your own ways and you have to break ties with the child as well. That's something that I think people with children have to be mindful of when bringing partners into their life, because it works both ways, and everyone can get hurt if it all turns sour.