Father Ted Quotes

stu_69

Well worth the read if u have a couple of minutes to spare

Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?

Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted.
The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble
for when we
arrived!

Ted: Good man!

Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring
either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

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DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except
its a big jam made out of old women.


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POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200
pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them,
and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better
option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money)
Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a
time when the police of thiscountry were friends of the church! Drink
driving
charges quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to
the
odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted
why
don't
you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy?
Once
again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people.
Thank youso much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was
just going to say that your that your fly is open.


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DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see,
I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

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DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press
and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there.
Orbingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphinalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.

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DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds,
but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.

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Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...

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Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

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Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day -
chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

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Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? **** !

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Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion
they had to shoot him?

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Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!

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Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you *****. Refer to me as 'Bishop
Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.


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Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in
black and saying Our Lord's going
to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

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Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You
can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

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Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache,
this baby's head hair and this baby's
sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just
dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

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Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at
Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

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Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film
you ended up having to sleep in my
bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that
isn't scary, I don't know what is.

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Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for
them.
Dougal: A shower of *******s.

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Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

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Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

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Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time
you said that I could praise him
just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !


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John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.


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Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable
place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would
he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle
music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

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Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps
it's something to do with that
fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he
grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class
1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to
life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

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Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic
cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far
away...

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Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise
now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way.
Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

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Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!


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Kali

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by stu_69:
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise
now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way.
Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.</font>

damn i love that guy..

"its my money father.. i just didnt want to fill out the forms"
although i think those two quotes are in different episodes...

PostmanPat

When Dougal was somewhat drunk he came out with the best line ever "We're all goin' the Heaven lads, whahey !!" The way he said it was just genius.

Brilliant.

the fnj

Such good Memory's, what a show it was.

---

Clan Acid

Father Stone

Dougal: Look Ted! The tables so dirty I can write my name in it!
Ted: There's a "G" in Dougal

Basq

A bump 8 and a half years in the making!

Closed!