One of those jokes that will leave you saying "Mommy, make the bad girl stop"

Piste · 02-11-2004 8:27pm #1

Once upon a time there was a young boy who loved tractors. He had loads of tractor posters and memorabillia as well as a suscription to the Irish Farmer's Journal.

Tragically, one day, the boy's father was run over by a tractor and killed. The boy hated tractors with a passion after that. He gave away all his tractor memerabillia, tore down the tractor posters from his walls and cancelled his subscription to the Irish Farmer's journal.

Years later, the boy is sitting in a smoky bar. (this is pre smoking ban) He is talking to a woman who says 'Jaysus, it's awfully smoky in here' 'I'll sort that out for you' he says, breathes in all the smoke in one breath and blows it all out the window 'That's amazing', remarks the woman 'How did you do that?' 'Well,' replies the man 'I'm an ex-tractor-fan'

ouch

Chad ghostal · 02-11-2004 8:56pm

Dear sweet lord .. noOooOOOOOOOOoooooooo*..

*actually made me laugh

Treebeard · 02-11-2004 11:20pm

That was woeful but I still laughed

Maximilian · 03-11-2004 6:13pm

I could see that punchline coming from another winxp application, 35 minutes ago.

smoke.me.a.kipper · 03-11-2004 6:18pm

lol, i still laughed. i feel so dirty.

pretty-in-pink · 03-11-2004 6:20pm

I didn't see the punchline, am I stupid?

JohnK · 03-11-2004 7:31pm

Thats just shocking. I'm ashamed to say it made me laugh...

Piste · 03-11-2004 9:49pm

Do you want another?

Piste · 03-11-2004 9:56pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the
bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this
as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says......

.......................

(wait for it)

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

Crucifix · 03-11-2004 11:32pm

It hurts me.

elivsvonchiaing · 03-11-2004 11:51pm

Dear God I laughed at both of these

{Contemplates eating dog-food} :eek:

Piste · 04-11-2004 10:40pm

Another? (You know you want one)

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation. Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers.

For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, whenspread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.

George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a show.

One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflowers ever,
and their size would keep them in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he returned home to the bosom of his loving wife. As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she would need, this would be a mammoth task!

Martha woke early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right, not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared her special sauce. George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint creation

reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else. When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal; Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year, Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.

With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma. DISASTER!!!! The cauliflower was horrible!!!!

Even Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered. Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed they spat out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine. George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.

'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains' Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source. 'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think of something' 'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad' George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.

'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!' Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing and had come up with an idea. 'What about lipstick?' 'What?' 'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough money to take a little holiday.' 'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she added, always concerned about these things. 'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised way.

They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and development followed.

Countless failures passed them by until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component. 'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha 'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging.

I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.' 'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?' George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new product

. 'I've got it' he said 'we'll write...... ..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!