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Book Humour....

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  • 14-07-2000 11:50am
    #1
    LoLth
    Registered Users Posts: 10,339 ✭✭✭✭


    HOW TO SURVIVE A LOVECRAFT STORY


    1: If you find yourself in a position to acquire your ancestral estate
    (castle, manor house, etc.), *don't*. Especially if it's built on a cliff
    or overlooking a bog. Just trust that your ancestors moved away from
    there for a *reason*, and steer clear of the place yourself. Don't even go
    there on holiday.

    2: Never read *anything* whose author was reputed to be mad.

    3: If, while dreaming, you find your dream-self going down a long flight
    of steps toward a gate, *turn around*. *Go back up.* Settle for a nice
    wet dream featuring a supermodel of your choice instead.

    4: *Don't drink the water*. 'Nuff said.

    5: Any electronic equipment you may bring along for the purpose of
    artificially enhancing your sensitivity to unknown phenomena, or for
    recording such phenomena, will only increase the likelihood of you going
    insane and/or getting eaten. Just stick with a flashlight (if you really
    *must* be able to see where you're going; even that is often ill-advised)
    and a really good pair of running shoes.

    6: Buy a gun, but use it *only* in the following situations: if
    somebody you know comes to you claiming to have been dispossessed of
    his/her body, which is then subsequently inhabited by an alien
    intelligence, *shoot that person*. You're doing him/her a favor.
    Likewise, if you ever suspect that your own mind has been has been
    displaced by another, just go ahead and shoot yourself. Avoid the stress
    and aggravation.

    7: In all other situations, *leave the gun at home.* You'll only drop
    it in your mad flight to safety anyway.

    8: Avoid fog, mist, shadows, darkness, and anything or any place that
    smells bad. Avoid primeval forests, caves, cemeteries, charnel houses,
    abandoned buildings, and the sea.

    9: Break off friendships with anybody who tends to capitalize the
    following words in their writing: "Old," "Elder," "Ancient," "Chaos,"
    "Evil," "Dweller," "Lurker," "and "Horror," especially if any of these
    words are used in combination with one another or with the word "God(s)".

    10: Break off friendships with artists. Especially weird ones. The same
    goes for college professors. These people quite simply know too much for
    their own good. Or yours.

    11: Never travel to the following destinations, particularly for
    exploratory purposes: rural England; rural New England; any town or city
    in America that can justly be described as "centuries old"; India; Africa;
    Australia; Asia; Antarctica; or any place above or below the ocean's
    surface that might ever have been part of the lost continent of Lemuria.
    If you live in any of these places, *move away immediately*.

    12: Don't keep a diary, journal, or travelogue. The only people who
    write down things that happen to them are the people to whom bad things
    happen.

    13: If a stone artifact ever comes into your possession that is clearly
    artifical in shape, and just as clearly not the work of human beings, *get
    rid of it*. And the box it came in, just to be on the safe side. Then go
    and wash your hands.


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