Gay brothers?

LegacyUser

Does anyone here who is gay also have a gay brother or sister or do you know of anyone that does?

My older brother came out to all of our friends and my parents about two and a half years ago but I'd been having feelings for other guys myself long before that. I was confused enough already but I went into total denial about my feelings once I heard about my brother. In recent months I've finally started to accept that I might be gay myself but I still completely freeze up whenever I'm reminded my brother is gay because it's so hard to deal with. We're the only two children in the family and even though my parents seem fine about him being gay I don't know how they will feel if they hear that we both are. I'm not even sure why I find this situation so hard to accept but I just can't feel ok about it no matter how hard I try.

What I'd really like to know is has anyone else gone through this or does anyone have any good advice to help me come to terms with this?

Stark

I know of families where the majority of kids are gay strangely enough. Unless your mother is seriously longing after grandchildren then it shouldn't be a problem. Do you talk to your brother much? He might be able to guide you through your feelings. I know a friend of mine who has a gay brother who was confused about his sexuality himself (to cut that story short he turned out to be straight in the end).

damien

You're far from alone and it's not as rare as you think.

I know four different families where another sibling is gay.

An ex of mine came out before and a year or so later his older brother came out. I know another guy who's gay and who has two lesbian sisters etc.

Have you spoken to your brother ? It seems to me you are not comfortable about yourself yet. Are you somehow just using this situation as a way of not fully dealing with yourself ? You appear to have ideas that the family will be disappointed or something like that. They'll accept you like they accepted your brother. Feel good about yourself.

Edit: Just like to cover my own situation. One of the biggest worries I had when I told my parents was the fact they wouldn't be grandparents. I'm the only kid and they both always talked about having grandkids and carrying on all the various family traditions. So I know how it feels to be under pressure not to disappoint the folks.

They're cool about it now. One day I still might still give em grandkids. Somehow.

Stefan

Hi Struggling
Yeah, I can see this is a tough one.
I'm aware of two families where a younger brother came out at about 20 years of age and elder brothers in both cases sort of felt they missed the boat or something and eventually only came out at the age of about 40. They are not bitter now - but it is sad to think what they have missed. In both cases the older brothers spent quite a lot of time being jealous of the younger ones - this is not a constructive emotion.

I've also seen cases where a younger brother feels under pressure to carry on the "family line" when big brother proves to be gay. Incidentally, you do not have to be gay to feel this pressure.

The main thing here is to be yourself. It's not your problem that your big brother beat you to it! Ask yourself if he would have denied his sexuality if you had come out first?

If you are gay and try to resist it you'll mess up yourself and other people much more than you will upset your parents by following your natural course.

By the way, it seems like you have a lot to work through about your own life before talking to your folks so don't rush outing yourself to them. It is not a first step for most people.

Like others I get the sense that you don't have the sort of relationship with your brother that means you could talk about this?

If I'm right I'd suggest you phone someone else and talk about how to work this through. There are a lot of links stickied at the top of this forum.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, hearing that there are other families going through this has already been a big help. I really did feel very alone in this.

Since he came out I've avoided the subject completely with my brother and try to change the subject whenever he brings it up. We are fairly close and can usually talk about most things but I can't bring my self to talk to him about this. I know I don't have to tell my parents right away but I've never once talked to them about my brother being gay. We just don't talk about it at home so I don't really know how they feel about it or if they are only ok with it as long as they can pretend it isn't happening.

As long as I am in college I'm fine, I've told a couple of my friends about my own feelings but I can't tell them about my brother. I think I'd be very upset if anyone I know in college found out he is gay because I feel like I want my own life and to be myself here and I couldn't do that if they knew about him too. It's like an important part of me would be overshadowed by him, if that makes any sense.

I have felt better about myself since talking to my friends but it is very possible that I'm using this as a way of not dealing with myself as someone suggested. I guess I still have a way to go in all this but I know not to try to rush things

neuro-praxis

There's a real common misconception that there's a gay "gene" which is nonsense of course, but the evidence for genetic reasons for being gay lie in exactly what you're talking about, "struggling".

Thousands of families have more than one gay child in them. My own family is full of gay people.

You're not alone, so.

This is a hard time for you but it won't last forever. Best of luck.

damien

struggling wrote:

I think I'd be very upset if anyone I know in college found out he is gay because I feel like I want my own life and to be myself here and I couldn't do that if they knew about him too. It's like an important part of me would be overshadowed by him, if that makes any sense.

Hmmm, it seems to me that avoiding discussion of your brothers sexuality completely, means you are trying to avoid discussion of your own sexuality too. Talk to your brother, he is your big brother and is there to help out. He will probably be able to help you more with your own sexuality since he has been there too.

How would you be overshadowed ? It's only sexuality and in this day and age most peoples reactions will be a shrug and that's it. Would you feel over-shadowed if he liked girls and you realised you liked girls ?

LegacyUser

I don't really understand most of my own reactions but a lot of what you're saying is making sense. I think I'm making a big deal of it in my own mind so once I'm fully comfortable with my own sexuality it probably won't seem so bad. Hopefully if I give it more time and gain some more confidence in myself at college it'll get better. It's certainly helping to talk about it here.

azezil

hardly the same, yes some people will just shrug but a lot will think its "cool" and give you extra attention as a result, having a gay older sybling takes some of that away

boomdogman

Not alone is this not rare, its quite common. Used to be estimated that same sex siblings had a 50% chance of sharing orientation but I don't know who did the estimates! I have friends where all 5, 3 guys, two sisters are gay, another friend has 3 gay brothers and 2 lesbian sisters.

The important thing here is YOUR sexuality and how YOU deal with it. Yes your being gay will have emotional repercussions both your parents and you. Yes they will worry for you and yes this will shatter any hope they had of having grandchildren. All of this is very tough and will mean adjustments to the blueprints that are so precious to every one.
There will be pain.
You are not going to be made straight no matter how much hurt your being gay causes. What you can do is make a life for yourself by accepting who and what you are. What do you want from YOUR life? Will you try find someone to share it with? This search may not be successful but to be truely human you must consider the search.

You showed courage in asking your question. Use that courage to deal with where you are.
Paddy

LegacyUser

azezil wrote:

hardly the same, yes some people will just shrug but a lot will think its "cool" and give you extra attention as a result, having a gay older sybling takes some of that away

That does describe some of it pretty well but I think it's a bit more complicated than that. People do react to the news that your gay and I guess I'd like people to react to me as I am without knowing about my brother. I just feel that would make things too complicated for me at the moment and there's no need for my college friends to know about my brother at first because they don't really know him.

For the first time I'm starting to feel that talking to my brother will be much simpler than all this worrying but I'd like to be more certain of my own feelings first. I'm starting to get involved in the colleges lgb society which is another big step for me. Thanks for all the encouragement here and the stories about other families. After hearing about families with 5 gay siblings I think I can cope with just 2!

Beruthiel

struggling wrote:

For the first time I'm starting to feel that talking to my brother will be much simpler than all this worrying

of course it will!
aren’t we terrible the way we build up situations in our head, making them more difficult and more insurmountable then they really are,
a bit like going to the dentist, tis never as bad as we expect it to be,
and how lucky are you to have a brother to talk to!?
you'll be grand
a

boomdogman

Its not who you tell, its how you are about it. Your sexuality is no one's business but your own.

tigerwex

wow this is my problem but im the older bro and not out and i find it so hard its unreal somtimes i feel so depressed about it

wheresthebeef

I have these two friends who are twins. And they are both hot! One of them is really really gay, and he keeps dropping hints.
Then last night, at a party the one who everyone thought was straight, tried to shove his tongue down one of my friends throats. (I was secretly delighted)

Ya know the way people hypothesise about the whole - "Not a choice" thing. Some theories say genetic, some say lack of male hormone at crucial stage of pregnancy. Twins would have to be the prime candidates for testing this. Both are geneticallt identical, and were exposed to same environmental conditions before birth i.e hormones, drugs, etc... And were exposed to same if not similar environmental conditions after birth.

LegacyUser

Well it's me again but "struggling" isn't such a suitable name for me any more!

Since last posting I've found a nice boyfriend and come out to my brother and things couldn't be better. My brother was completely unsurprised to find out that I'm gay, apparently he guessed years ago and he's been dying for me to tell him so we could talk about it. I've been so much happier since I did it and I no longer feel any doubts about my sexuality. It seems I spent all that time worrying over nothing but it feels great to have finally gotten over it.

Thanks to everyone here who gave me advice about it, it really helped