Definitions

Capt'n Midnight · 11-11-2004 11:45pm #1

Dance - Vertical execution of horizontal desires

Air - Balloon without the skin

Laziness - The art of resting in advance

Art of Love - Ability to kiss a woman at the right time in the right place

Stress - you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Cubicle - padded cell without a door.

Suburbia - where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Research - what scientists are doing when they don't know what they are doing.

Vegetarian - ancient native word meaning Lousy Hunter.

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but your opponent just hasn't realized it yet.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Obscenity - whatever gives a judge an erection.

Macintosh - The missing link between Nintendo and IBM.

Lemonade - First aid for lemons.

Junk - Stuff we throw away.

Stuff - Junk we keep.

Jury - A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

Saint - A person who behaves decently in an indecent society (Kurt Vonnegut)

Adolescence - A stage between infancy and adultery.

Comedy - The art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Education - The process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Modern art - What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Democracy - Being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike best.

Experience - Recognizing a mistake when you've made it again.

Suicide blonde - Dyed by her own hand.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.

Admiration - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Alcoholic - Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Alone - In bad company.

Boy - A noise with dirt on it.

Constipation - Teeth marks on the toilet seat.

Drug - A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Friends - People who know you well, but like you anyway.

GURU - One who knows more jargon than you.

Gambling - The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Honeymoon - time between "I do" and "you'd better"

Happiness - An illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality

Health - The slowest possible rate at which one can die.

I.R.S. - Income Reduction Service.

Justice - A decision in your favor.

Lawyer - The larval stage of politicians.

Liberal - Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.

LSD - virtual reality without the expensive hardware.

On-line - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

Optimism - A guy who gets married at ninety and buys a house near a school.

Paranoid - Someone who just figured out what's going on.

Pessimist - A well-informed optimist.

Reality - An Illusion Caused By Lack Of Acid

Optimist - A well-instructed pessimist.

Suspense - I will tell you tomorrow.

HONEYMOON SALAD - Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

HEADACHE - One of the most popular forms of birth control.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

NURSE - A pan handler.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

POLITICALLY CORRECT - Always having to say you're sorry.

LOGIC - The art of being wrong with confidence.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

COMPUTER - A device designed to speed up and automate errors.

DISNEYLAND - A people trap operated by a giant mouse.

LAWYER - a cat who settles disputes between mice.

MARRIAGE - A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

MARRIAGE - A triumph of imagination over intelligence.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

POLITICS - Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

MULTITASKING - Reading in the bathroom.

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

BUDGET - A method for going broke methodically.

Budget - what you stay within if you go without.

CENSORSHIP - The reaction of the ignorant to freedom.

TOE - A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.