Answering Machine Messsages List

Capt'n Midnight

Answering Machine Messsages List

# (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP

Listen. (Pause.) And now talk.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

(Sexy, slow female voice:) oooOOOO, Greg's in... OOOOooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... OOOoooo, Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call back later...

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":)
You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
(or)
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached the number which you have dialed.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after the beep tone.

Hi, you know the drill.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this? (After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so please leave a message after the beep.

"Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am..." *beep*

"You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance." (1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" Hello, is Ron there? "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." "You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." "Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." [imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could."

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you
doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
number.