lists

shellspeare

The **** List

Sometimes when **** happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a ****. Here are some **** definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...


Ghost ****
You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.

Teflon Coated ****
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey ****
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought ****
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****
This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly ****
You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now ****
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker ****
This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks ****
This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish ****
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!

Cement Block or Oh God ****
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.

Snake ****
This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk ****
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee ****
The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire ****
The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The ****ty ****ty Bang Bang
The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk **** The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper ****
The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas ****
The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl ****
The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City ****
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.

Oh ****! ****
You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending ****
It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt ****
The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

shellspeare

Children's Books You'll Probably Never See

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years

shellspeare

Thoughts on the Universe


The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

Farls

I think this is better suited towards the humour forum, funny stuff but very old

Farlz

shellspeare

How to tell whether you are in a movie:

A crashed car will always explode.

Good guys shoot better than bad guys.

Lipstick stays on, even when scuba-diving.

All bedsheets are specially shaped to come up to the neck of the woman but the waist of the man.

If you are an attractive young woman, it is easy to become an expert at anything by the time you are twenty-five, be it swordfighting, nuclear physics or martial arts.

Any car chase will take place on virtually abandoned roads, apart from the odd pile of boxes, lorry-load of chickens or two men carrying a pane of glass across the street.

A man can take the most savage beating imaginable, but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Old mentors always survive fatal wounds long enough to give some piece of inspiring information to their student.

shellspeare

Ways to Reject Pickup Lines

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Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

elivsvonchiaing

OMG! This has to be metamphetamine! :eek: Only explanation!

therecklessone

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

OMG! This has to be metamphetamine! :eek: Only explanation!

No, t'is that other well known narcotic "cut-and-paste".

A difficult habit to kick...

elivsvonchiaing

I operate a combined workshop- metamphetamine addiction? + I can't help canned posts - help me? Our doors are always open

elivsvonchiaing

therecklessone wrote:

No, t'is that other well known narcotic "cut-and-paste".

A difficult habit to kick...

I have a certificate of re-habilitation on this! This was awarded by the prestigious institute of... fcuk 404 - must have been a fly-by-night-job

sceptre

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

I have a certificate of re-habilitation on this!

I trust you also have the quality filter control addon module for that? The course that teaches you not to send on or post any old ****e you get in your mail but to do so only with the stuff that's actually good?;)

elivsvonchiaing

sceptre wrote:

I trust you also have the quality filter control addon module for that? The course that teaches you not to send on or post any old ****e you get in your mail but to do so only with the stuff that's actually good?;)

Er no... Sigh these internet startup ops fly-by nights jobs - they got me good! [Certificate - toilet -flush!]